Deal With The Devil

I got a lot more sleep than usual last night, which is always a very good thing for me. I’ve been a chronic insomniac for most of my adult life, so feeling well rested has become an almost rare and unusual treat for me. And now I’m trying to remember just how it went, back when that I made that ill advised deal with the devil about sleep and sex.

I think that me and Satan were playing poker one night, and the match ended in a draw after we played until dawn. Lucifer said that he had to leave, or he’d be late for stealing the soul of some young guy who was destined to become a Wall Street hedge fund manager. But the Prince of Darkness was kinda pissed off about not being able to beat me, and irritably informed me that NO ONE ever played Five Card Stud with him, without there being some consequences!

So the devil told me that since he couldn’t beat me in poker, that for the rest of my life, I’d get twice as much sex as the average guy does. But since I couldn’t beat him, I’d only get half as much sleep as most people do. And I’ve been very tired, but also very sexually satisfied ever since.

But let me tell ya friends, it’s been a wonderful blessing and also a terrible curse – which is just what the devil intended for me. While it’s true that I’ve scored more tail than Mick Jagger, I’ve also spent many days wandering around in a sleep deprived daze, which can be a real drag. And sometimes the blessing of sex and the curse of insomnia interact together, and the end result can be very embarrassing. Like the night when my lover and I were goin’ at it hot and heavy, and I suddenly fell sound asleep in mid stroke.

At first, I almost scared the life out of that poor girl, cause she thought that I’d pulled a Nelson Rockefeller on her, and that I was dead!

A former U.S. Vice President, Rocky died in the saddle, and without his boots on.

But then I started to snore loudly, and she got very angry and woke me up when she yelled “Get OFF of ME!!!” And that was the last I ever saw of her.

A guy just doesn’t want to fall asleep on a woman like this! But I’ve enjoyed many others since, and endured many sleepless nights as well.

So guys, my advice to you is that if the devil ever invites you to play poker with him, don’t go for it, because the devil has lost only once in all of human history, and Daniel Webster was the only guy who could beat him. And don’t kid yourselves, because however good you think you are, you ain’t no Daniel Webster.

Daniel Webster – He kicked Satan’s ass and left him busted.

You’ll just end up losing the match and losing your soul. Or you’ll end up like me, with a very mixed blessing and a curse, and spend the rest of your life wondering whether it’s all been worth it.

But I do have to admit that it was an interesting night playing cards with Lucifer, cause he told me some cool stories. Like how he made a deal with Mick Jagger, and the deal was that Mick would become one of the most famous Rock stars of all time. But the down side was that Jagger would have to continue to perform as lead singer for the Rolling Stones until the end of time, and he’d end up looking so old and ancient, that paleontologists would want to study him, and declare him the world’s ugliest living human fossil.

And he’d also have to spend eternity with Keith Richards… But as we all know now, Jagger went for that deal BIG time, and now he’s paying the price.

Mick Jagger in his prime.

Jagger fossilized. I wonder if he’s feeling any sympathy for the devil, now that time is no longer on his side, and he really can’t get no satisfaction, cause his looks have been shattered, and some girls no longer want to start him up like they used to. He must feel like yesterday’s papers, and it’s enough to make a grown man cry.

 

About Chris Sheridan

I’m a 56 year old guy who is young (and immature) at heart, and I love humor and laughter. Married for 22 years, but still enjoy all the glories of womanhood everywhere, even while dedicated to one woman only - and I hope my wife never finds out about her!
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12 Responses to Deal With The Devil

  1. Too funny! And “fossilized”… great description!!

  2. Wow! Did this one fly over like the proverbial lead balloon, or what?! Oh well… can’t win ‘em all I guess. Still like my batting average these days though… (knocks on wood!)

    • Nawwww… it was the first hump day after the holidays. Everyone went into hiding, I think.

      • Thanks Michelle. Maybe that was it. Sometimes when it seems like my jokes or humorous writing doesn’t fly, I try to figure out what happened… so I’m sitting here thinking “was it attacking ‘sacred cow’ Mick Jagger?” which is funny because I’ve been a Stones fan forever and I still am, but these days I’d rather sit further back than the first 20 rows at a Stones show, cause Jagger really does look fossilized now, which just reminds me that I’m not getting any younger either!

        And then I think, “well maybe the whole thing was just too vague & weak – I mean, Daniel Webster???” But sometimes I over think these things, so I’ll be happy to run with your “first hump day after the holidays” theory, and thanks for that! :-)

    • Well, when it comes to Jagger… you hit the nail on the head there. Talented as he, and the rest of the group, may be, I have never found that man to be the least bit attractive. Nor Richards for that matter, too. In fact, all those skinny, horse-mouthed, big-haired guys just don’t float my boat, ya know. Doesn’t mean I don’t appreciate talent, but no posters in my room as a kid.

      • It’s true that Jagger even in his prime was so thin that he looked like he’d blow away in a stiff wind. So the skinny but overtly sexual and (allegedly) charismatic Rock star isn’t your type at all, I guess. Just out of idle curiosity on my part, how about someone like Jim Morrison? Although I realize that he’s probably not looking too good these days, since he’s been dead since 1971, but aside from that, Michelle… Lol

    • I am definitely not anywhere near the category of a groupie. Rock stars and famous people just really don’t do anything for me. LOL… especially because I am horrible with music! I love music, but often don’t know the name of the song, nor the band, and especially what they look like. It’s what is inside a man is what matters. Well… within reason. I could come across the best personality ever, but if he looks like Jabba the Hut, then I’ll just keep our friendship just as that. Now that doesn’t mean I don’t find a few actors “hot”… like Johnny Depp (he makes me laugh and love his facial expressions). But just not into rock stars.

      • I think that Johnny Depp should just be known from now on, as “The Universally Hot Guy” because I have yet to find a heterosexual woman who doesn’t think so. How about George Clooney? He seldom gets negative reviews from the Fair sex as well. I may not be able to reply until later… I think my wife is about to take an axe to my PC – only because she feels like she’s not getting equal time, and honestly, she’s got a legit point there. But I’ll try and catch ya later.

  3. Pingback: My Date With Brad Pitt « Motley News

  4. Chris, you sure you’re not Warren Beatty in disguise? And wouldn’t you think MJ, with all that money, could do something about those teeth?

    • So Rose… looks like you’ve been exploring my back pages, and I’m flattered, because many bloggers don’t bother to read another blogger’s older posts. I’ve also read some of your older posts, and more than once, I have been richly rewarded with a real gem that I would never have found, if I hadn’t dug deeper into your writings.

      Me Warren Beatty in disguise? Well it’s true that there are some real similarities in our exceptional appetites for passion, but now if I was really Warren Beatty, I’d also be 75 years old. So no Rose, I am not Warren Beatty, and at this point in time, I’m glad that I’m not…

      Jagger’s teeth? With his entire face now looking like a mass of wrinkles and melted candle wax, I think that his teeth no longer matter… Sad, but true. But hey, look on the bright side, Rose! You’re only 49, and I’m only 55. Compared to Beatty and Jagger, you and I are still just a couple of kids! :-D

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