Dog Knows

I’m in an unusual mood on this fine Thursday. I feel good, but I also feel slightly deranged, and I’m not even sure what will come out of my slightly deranged but good mood state of mind here in this post today.

However, I can assure you that Dog knows every word I write here will be the absolute truth.

I’m definitely in a much better mood than I was a week ago when Ford Credit tried and failed to repo my Mustang, due to “a clerical error”. And the guy that they sent to try and steal my car, had the nerve to show up early in the morning before I’d had my first cup of coffee! This is the time of day that in combination with being seriously decaffeinated, puts me in my most dangerous state, and I look a lot like this:

Try and steal my car before I’ve had my first cup of coffee??? Now that’s a real death wish!

But that’s all behind me now…

But what I really wish, is that I was behind her right now! Wow!!!

Hear that sound that sounds like thundering hooves? That’s all my female readers stampeding for the exits! Sorry about that! (no I’m not. lol)

It all just reminds me of the good old daze when I was working nights as a semi-professional stand up comic at night clubs and bars in the greater Boston area. Why do I say “semi-professional”? Because I was “semi-paid” a living for it, which meant that I had to work another job as well, or all my bills would be “semi-paid” and I’d go “semi-hungry” too! So I also drove a cab to help support my stand up comic habit.

This was not one of my better shows, and a vivid example of what can happen when you have a pathological need to be the center of attention.

But hey, I had my good nights too, so all in all, except for a few broken beer bottle scars, I have no regrets, and yes, I’d do it all again. I might even do it all again soon, but for now I’ll stay with blogging, because while beer bottles and bar chairs can break my bones, mean comments on my blog posts can never really hurt me.

The other night while I was watching TV, I was switching back and forth between the fishing channel and the porn channel, and I noticed some similarities and differences…

1. On both channels, all the men had really long poles, but the guys on the fishing channel had better lines.

2. On both channels, people liked to dress up in rubber.

3. On both channels, they were doing it while standing up, and while sitting in a chair.

4. On both channels, they used fish nets, but women wore them on their legs on the porn channel.

5. On the fishing channel “the one that got away” didn’t cause a big mess!

6. On the fishing channel they were doing “catch and release”, but on the porn channel, it was more like “snatch and release.”

7. On both channels, someone shouted “Wow! What a whopper!”

8. On the fishing channel, 12 inches was small and disappointing… but on the porn channel 12 inches caused women to gasp OMG!!!

9. On both channels, guys like to eat what they catch.

10. On the fishing channel, when the guy’s rod suddenly bent way over with the tip down, it was very exciting! But when this happened on the porn channel, it was time to change the channel, and watch something else.

Yeah, yeah… I know… even from out here in the blogosphere, I can hear some of you yelling “Keep your day job, Chris!” Well that’s your opinion and you have a right to it – just as I have a right to ignore it. Which is to be expected from me, because I’ve never been one to listen to reason, if I have a reason to not like what I’m hearing.

But I do try to always listen to my wife – even when she’s being critical of me.

My wife said the other day, that I’d flirt with anything wearing a dress! I said, “Don’t be ridiculous! If Lyle Lovett was wearing a dress, there is no way I’d flirt with him!”

Well… now as I give it some thought, just maybe I might, if I could put a bag over his head…

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Lyle looks a hell of a lot better in a dress than I ever thought he would!

But then after work yesterday, I was at the dry cleaners picking up some clothes, when I saw this very attractive dress form wearing a dress… I couldn’t help myself, and I said to the dress form, “Well, hello there… That dress looks really fine on you. Planning a really hot night tonight? I can see that you’ve sent your head out to have your hair done. Which I find subtly exciting, because I have no way of knowing if you’re a blonde, brunette or redhead.

No, don’t tell me now… the anticipation will be much more provocative, as I wait for you, and then all is revealed… when you meet me for dinner tonight. Yeah… I’m already liking that thought, right now… But don’t forget your arms, okay? I can see that you’ve sent them to the beauty spa. Unless you’re into that whole Venus De Milo trip, which is cool with me, cause I’ve got my own arms… and I’m anticipating my arms holding your body sooo close to mine.

Oh yes, I know… If your head was here right now, you’d be smiling seductively back at me… your blonde, brunette or red hair falling alluringly around your very attractive face, as you flashed that ohh sooo sexy smile back at me.”

“For the last time, Sir! That will be thirty dollars!” exclaimed the irritable woman behind the counter! Cold hearted troll! She ruined everything!

Hey, I heard someone say just the other day, that “The definition of character, is what you do when no one is watching you.” Well, if that’s true, then there’s a full range of character which that could apply to… all the way from Angelic to Satanic, and therefore multiple characters… kinda like my multiple personality (disorder).

Hmm… too bad that they didn’t name the Titanic the Satanic… cause then all the good people would never have gotten on board. But ya know what? With the way things seem to work out in this life, if the Titanic was named the Satanic, that fucker would have missed the iceberg! I’m tellin’ ya, sometimes there’s just no justice! In fact, it’s more like most of the time! Yep, the Satanic would have missed the iceberg, and all the evil people on board would’ve enjoyed the baddest cruise of their lives, and loved every minute of it!

And it sure would have made the movie more interesting… Kate Winslet would have been the Sacrificial Virgin. DiCaprio? He would have been the Male Sacrificial Virgin. Is it just me, or did he look like he was about 12 in that movie? I dunno… But he really did try hard in his role as Leading Prepubescent, so give the kid a break. Give him a coloring book and some Crayolas too… Mom could put that portrait of Kate up on the refrigerator for him. Of course all that was a long time ago, and things are different now. Because…

We have Twitter!!!

 

About Chris Sheridan

I’m a 56 year old guy who is young (and immature) at heart, and I love humor and laughter. Married for 22 years, but still enjoy all the glories of womanhood everywhere, even while dedicated to one woman only - and I hope my wife never finds out about her!
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4 Responses to Dog Knows

  1. RFL says:

    The fishing/porn channel comparison is hilarious! Also, I’m no expert, but that lady had a pretty nice ass. I think I almost understand how distracting boobs can be for men now!

    • Thank you! :-) And yes, I think that you do (almost) understand how distracting boobs can be for men – because you’re probably catching on to the fact that a very well developed cleavage bears a powerful resemblance to… yes, female buns, and vice versa. But, while physical attractiveness is nice to enjoy for both sexes, I still think that the sexiest female erogenous zone is the one located between a woman’s ears…

  2. OMG! You Fishing Channel and porn comparisons are hilarious! Thanks! And Lyle Lovett? One of the ugliest men I’ve seen. And why one of the most beautiful women to ever grace the big screen married him is still beyond me. At least she got wise and they parted ways.

    • Thanks Michelle! Glad that you enjoyed. :-) Lyle and Julia? All I can say is that she must be one hell of a Country Western music fan! Either that, or Lyle’s been packing some serious heat in the bedroom. Lol ;-)

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