There’s Got to Be a Better Way

Every now and then, I have read that the human body is an amazing feat of biological engineering, and for the most part I agree. But I also think that there are some rather obvious design flaws, and in some ways, the human body is an amazing feat of bio-illogical engineering. You know what else is amazing? That “bio-illogical” is actually a word, and it didn’t get the red underline when I typed it. And here I thought that I just made it up.

Hmm… I know what I meant my “made up” word to mean, but does “bio-illogical” actually have a definition in Webster’s Dictionary? I should google it… And it better not be one of those lame assed definitions like “the state of being biologically illogical”. Cause that’s just confusing and doesn’t define anything, and is just more proof that the people who put together Webster’s are cheating by using filler, to make their dictionary seem like a bigger and more impressive dict. than it really is, when it should be abbreviated, just like I did, just now.

So there, Webster’s! You can claim to have a big dictionary all you want to, but once your redundantly verbose package gets stripped down to a more honest size, you are left exposed with a relatively small and abbreviated dict. and you can’t hide it!

And here I thought that it was just certain guys who went around trying to make their dicts seem bigger and more impressive than they really are! But that’s a subject for another time, to be written up as a very short story with a premature climax and an unsatisfying ending, and you ladies should be sure to not miss it, by doing something silly – like blinking, or thinking about what you need to get at the supermarket.

But now I’m getting way off my original point, so I’m not going to bother googling the definition of “bio-illogical” because I already know what I intend my version of it to mean, and at this point, I’ve probably already lost most of my readers, who are now busy writing grocery lists instead of reading this post.

So if anyone is still reading this, I’m now back to making my point that the human body is an amazing feat of both biological and “bio-illogical” engineering. There are some ways in which our bodies perform very well, and at a highly complex level, but also other ways in which although the functions that our bodies perform, are still highly complex, there are still some serious design flaws, and improvements should be made.

For example, the way in which human females give birth, just seems all wrong to me, and there’s got to be a better way. I do understand the advantages of internal gestation during pregnancy, as opposed to incubating eggs outside the body, where they can be easily broken too soon. But isn’t it still much better for the mother birds, when baby birds are born painlessly by breaking out of eggs, instead of the painful nightmare that women go through, when baby humans are born by wrecking the Volvo?

Surely, there’s got to be another way that includes the advantages of internal gestation, but without the torturous horror that occurs during birth, when something the size of a bowling ball gets pushed out a passage that is closer to the size of a tennis ball! Ouch!!!

But I have a solution to this glaring design flaw, and here it is…

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Here, we have “The Birth Zipper”. The Birth Zipper would be designed in such a way, that it would not form in a pregnant woman’s belly until the last three weeks of pregnancy, and would also remain locked tightly shut, until the baby is full term and ready to be born. Then at the right time, and in the right place, the Birth Zipper would be painlessly unzipped and the newborn babe could be painlessly removed from the womb, and without any Volvos ever being wrecked. And after birth, within three weeks time, the Birth Zipper would be reabsorbed into the mother’s body and vanish without a trace, leaving behind not even so much as a tiny scar to mar the beauty of the woman’s body.

You have to admit that there’s a genuine brilliance here in this design, and no offense intended to any Higher Power, or to Mother Nature, but this way of giving birth is far superior to the primitive and barbaric methods that are currently in use. For those who may doubt, I would simply ask you to ask women of child bearing age, which method they would prefer when they themselves, become pregnant and face a due date for giving birth. Do these women really want to pass something the size of a bowling ball through a passage way the size of a tennis ball, and suffer all the resulting pain and damage?

Or would these expectant mothers rather try out “The Birth Zipper”?

With ever greater advances in the medical research and technology of today, this new and far more practical, as well as painless way of giving birth, is now much closer to becoming a reality than many might think. The Birth Zipper may soon make the current ways of birthing completely obsolete, and forever consign these outdated practices to our painfully primitive history of past procreation, to never be repeated again.

In my next post, I shall discuss a serious “bio-illogical” design flaw in the human male, and my proposed solution, which would involve a man’s testicles developing in the center of his brain, where they would be safely protected by the strength of his skull.

But I haven’t decided on a title for this post yet, and here are some titles that I might use:

“Front, Center, and Dangling Down – An Awful Accident Just Waiting to Happen!”

“If Big Balls Make a Guy Tough, Why Does a ‘Nut Cracker’ Make Him Helpless?”

“Tea Bagging – Is this Relatively Minor Pleasure Worth the Risk of Major Pain?”

“Grow the Gonads in the Skull –  Cause Most Women Can’t Kick That High.”

“Leaving The Family Jewels So Exposed is Just Cracked Up Nuts!”

“Wanna Sing in The Vienna Boys Choir? Keep the Cojones Between Your Legs Instead of in Your Head!”    

So my dear readers, assuming that I have any readers for this post… Stay tuned, and keep your eye on the ball (s). Lol ;-)

 

About Chris Sheridan

I’m a 56 year old guy who is young (and immature) at heart, and I love humor and laughter. Married for 22 years, but still enjoy all the glories of womanhood everywhere, even while dedicated to one woman only - and I hope my wife never finds out about her!
This entry was posted in Humor and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

17 Responses to There’s Got to Be a Better Way

  1. greatmartin says:

    Good thing I am a gentleman or I would say something about you, zippers and ‘genuine brilliance’

    • Hmm… you a gentleman? While I know that you do enjoy certain unnatural acts, I would never want you to remain in an “unnatural state” on my behalf, so say whatever you want to, Martin. LOL :-)

  2. Elyse says:

    My guess is that you (not your wife) are pregnant and looking for an easy out. I took one — mine was called adoption :).

    • Well Elyse, while it may be true that a desperate situation calls for desperate measures, and that necessity is the mother of invention, I am not going to be anyone’s mother – unless I also go for an adoption, which is unlikely at this stage in my life. But I do think that adoption is an excellent idea, so kudos to you for adopting a kid! :-)

  3. RFL says:

    I’d take a Birth Zipper over another Volvo wreck any day! Very funny post. The balls probably should be skull encased. Maybe vicinity to the big head would solve some of the little head thinking I see so much :)

    • And I wouldn’t blame you! Giving birth the “natural” way is just plain scary! Thanks for reading and liking my post, and if my writing here scored, well you definitely deserve an assist, because one of your posts inspired mine. :-)

  4. benzeknees says:

    I agree there should be a better way to give birth, but I’m not sure about a zipper – what about those highly embarrassing times when your zipper gets stuck? Or God forbid, you get something (someone) stuck in your zipper? This could be a disaster waiting to happen. Glad you were feeling well enough to write a post again Chris.

    • Actually Lynda, I’m not worried about these zipper mishaps happening, because the ones that you describe are far more likely to happen to MEN who mishandle their zippers. (don’t ask me how I know!) But since safety is always our first concern, the R&D people are on top of making sure that “The Birth Zipper” is always zip-locked with a tight seal until the time is right!

      Thanks for reading, and I am also glad that I felt well enough to write a post again. :-)

  5. GOF says:

    Your genius is perhaps being wasted on blogging Chris….medical science needs you…..as well as thousands of Australian women who’d love your invention because the Government in it’s wisdom? pays thousands of dollars every time they give birth to a kid.

    • GOF, my wife would probably agree with you about my “genius” being wasted on blogging, but maybe not about medical science needing me, but thanks all the same. :-)

      The government does lots of nonsensical things here in the US too, but what you mentioned going on in Aus sounds like the state is being biologically as well as fiscally illogical. Hmm… I wonder if “bio-fiscally-illogical” is a word? It might be, since there is no red underline again! (of course this is an American spell-check program, and in America anything can be a word, since we invent new ones daily, both comprehensible and incomprehensible)

      What does your Government do with all these newborn children that they are paying thousands of dollars to buy? I hope that they are putting these expensive kids to productive use, so Australian taxpayers are getting a fair return on their investments. (just kidding!) ;-)

      • GOF says:

        I’ve got no idea Chris….it’s the ultimate human stupidity paying people to have babies in a world with 7 billion…..sometimes I have very little confidence in the future of mankind.

  6. Jason says:

    Wish I had a birth zipper but just to take out some pizza after a pizza binge.

  7. I say let the men have the baby-making and birthing for a while.

    • Not without a Birth Zipper! Nope, not me! Not happening, no way, no how!

      And go ahead and call me a pussy for being scared… cause I don’t have one, and I’m glad! Lol ;-)

  8. Yes I do like the idea of a Birth Zipper please! I think I’d have had a lot more kids if there was one of those. Although, you’ve still got the problem of breastfeeding droop. And I love that bio-illogical thingo – let’s face it, I just love illogical, really, bio or not. Nice one Chris!

    • Thanks Rose! It has always seemed wrong to me, that women should suffer so much while giving life to a new being, and I wish that there really was a way to make the entire process painless; before, during and after…

      Breast feeding droop? Let me see what I can draw up on some blue prints, and hopefully find a way to stay upwards.

      I guess I’m often quick to recognize illogicality, because of my own often quite illogical nature, and I guess it takes one to know one. Lol ;-)

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