The 30 Day Challenge

This is something that Lynda from benzeknees got me interested in doing. But being me, with my consistently eccentric way of thinking, I decided to have some fun with deviating from the way that many people would answer the “questions” in this challenge.

1. Five ways to win my heart –

  1. Beer
  2. Sex
  3. More beer
  4. More sex
  5. Dark chocolate, a dozen roses, and a pair of diamond earrings.

What? You think I’m weird for what I want in that 5th way for winning my heart? I’m not being weird! I’m just being practical. Because after all that beer and sex, I better give her some things that she really likes, or she won’t bother trying to win my heart anymore!

2. Something I feel strongly about – Being able to bench press 450 pounds. But I’d feel even more strongly about it, if I could actually DO it.

3. A book I love – The book that I’ve already read, so when I see it sitting there and gathering dust, I don’t feel guilty about not having read it yet, and I can feel better about spending more time online here on WP.

4. Bullet your whole day – Nah, things have been looking up lately, and my mood has improved a lot, so I’ll skip that one for now.

5. Things I want to say to an ex – “I’ve been married to the same spouse for 22 years now. How about you?” Ha Ha Ha Ha!!!

6. My views on mainstream music – I would like to thank the people who produce today’s mainstream music, for reviving my appreciation of classical music. Your inspiration, or maybe your almost total lack of it, drove me to remember that Mozart, Beethoven, Chopin, and Vivaldi are still really great, while your mainstream muzak crap is really boring.

7. Five pet peeves –

  1. Tropical fish, because they have this annoying habit of dying, even when I take very good care of them.
  2. Toy Poodles, because my Mom had one, and it was like this little dog version of Linda Blair’s demonic personality in The Exorcist.
  3. Cats with condescending and superior attitudes.
  4. Boa Constrictors, because they grow too fast and get way too big, and their eating habits, while at first amusing and entertaining, are just gross and disgusting after the novelty wears off.
  5. Cheryl Rixon, cause I’m sorry, but there is just NO WAY that she deserved to be Penthouse Pet of The Year in 1979!

8. What I ate today – Beer for breakfast, Liquor for lunch, and Shots of Tequila for supper. (finally got bored with all that coffee!)

9. How important I think education is – Important enough that I wish I’d payed less attention to my female teachers’ legs, and more to what those teachers were saying.

But in my defense, there were a few who made it extra hard for me, to… uhm… uhh… to concentrate on learning the lessons they were teaching.

10. Put your music player on shuffle & write the first 10 songs that play – Sorry, but I’m not into Shuffle. Skiffle is much better, and John Lennon used to play it when he was a teenager.

John back in his Skiffle playing days.

11. My family – Yeah? What about my family? Huh? We all have things in our personal life that we are not proud of, and we all have families. They say you can choose your friends, but you can’t choose your relatives. I’ll add that while this is true, you can still choose to ask your relatives to leave, when they behave obnoxiously while visiting!

12. Five guys I find attractive – Hey! Go look at the list – It’s on there! So I’m gonna answer it, and my answer is… Johnny Depp, Hugh Jackman, Paul Newman, George Clooney, and most of all, Chris Sheridan! That guy just really does it for me! Lol ;-)

13. My opinions about my body & how comfortable I am with it – I am glad that I have a body, because if I was incorporeal I wouldn’t have a body, and then I couldn’t enjoy showing off my body. I am quite comfortable with my body, except when my back hurts, and I just wish that my body would stop this very annoying trend of becoming an older body! That is NOT what I signed up for!

14. What I wore today – In my case, this question is based on the very uncertain assumption that I have worn anything today.

15. My Zodiac/horoscope & if I think it fits me – I am a Sagittarius, but I do not believe in Astrology. However… Astrology believes in me, and just as soon as I typed that, my paper shredder turned itself on for 5 seconds before stopping, and really startled me! (I am absolutely serious and telling the truth! It has NEVER done that before, and I just unplugged the damn thing!)

What do I mean by saying that I don’t believe in Astrology, but Astrology believes in me? Well, my wife reads me my horoscope almost every day, and almost every day, my horoscope is uncannily accurate. It is so accurate, that I want to just know WHO these people are, why they are following me around, and how do they know so much about me? I wish that Astrology would just mind it’s own business and leave me alone!

16. Something I always think “what if” about – What if NASA staged a huge and elaborate hoax, and the Apollo Astronauts never really did land on the moon? What if the moon really IS made of green cheese, and smells just as bad as Limburger cheese? If so, I sure as hell wouldn’t want to go there, and neither would the Apollo Astronauts! See my point? Because I’m making a very logical point here.

Okay, since Neil Armstrong just recently passed away, I gotta come clean on this one. When I was a kid, I was a huge fan of the US Space program, and when Apollo 11 landed on the moon, and then Neil Armstrong took that first step on the lunar surface, it was one of the most incredibly amazing, awe inspiring and thrilling events I’ve ever witnessed, and it always will be.

17. Something I’m proud of – Well, it’s 8 inches long, with a wide girth, and it has made many women very happy! But for the last 25 years it has made only one woman very happy, and I am very happy that this is true! Because for all my flirtatious bluster, I am about as likely to make a serious move on another woman, as a Pet Rock is likely to get up and start dancing like Fred Astaire.

18. A problem I have had – An almost total inability to write a post here on WP that isn’t much longer than it should be. With my writing, brevity is NOT my strong point.

19. Five items I lust after – Well, I think it is very demeaning to call them “items” so I’ll call them women instead.

  1. Tina Fey
  2. Penelope Cruz
  3. Salma Hayek
  4. Halle Berry
  5. Scarlett Johansson

Scarlett Johansson made my list because I had to include one blonde, since I’m a sensitive and caring guy, and I don’t want to hurt blonde women’s feelings.

My Affirmative Action selection for blonde women.

But my five choices here are nothing more than pleasantly idle day dreams, because I know I’d have a snowball’s chance in hell of ever really getting anywhere with any of them.

20. My fears – Becoming boring, getting old and decrepit, thinking that I could inherit dementia from my Dad, and my greatest fear of all? Losing my wife and trying to live my life without her.

21. How I hope my future will be like – Healthy, wealthy and wise, instead of chronically sick, poor, homeless and senile. I also hope to be still capable of great performances in the bedroom, even if the day comes when I need some chemical assistance and increased use of certain specialized electrical appliances, for her pleasure. Whatever it takes… because I have very high standards for my performance, and I always will.

22. My academics – Very undisciplined throughout most of my attempted education. In high school I was an A & D student – I got an A in courses I liked, and a D in courses I didn’t like. I did make the Honor Roll for one semester in my sophomore year of high school, but that was only because an assistant principal said and did some things to really piss me off, so I went all out to make the Honor Roll just so I could shove it in his face. After proving my point, I went back to being an A & D student. Graduated from college with a BS Degree in English, and I’ve been BS-ing in English ever since.

23. Something I miss – My sanity… but only occasionally. I think that sanity is overrated, and with the right approach, insanity is a lot more fun! :-D

24. Five words/phrases that make me laugh –

1. AllegatorNOT Alligator misspelled, but someone who alleges.

2. Callipygian – which means having an attractive rear end or nice buns. Don’t believe me? Google it!

Very Callipygian!

However, I would not advise any guys out there to try telling a woman that her backside is awesomely callipygian. I’m unsure of the correct pronunciation and it could turn into a serious misunderstanding, and not the results you are hoping for.

3. Slangwhanger – A loud abusive speaker or obnoxious writer. (yes, I know what you’re thinking!)

4. Cow Tipping – The first time I heard that people actually did this for fun, I was really laughing my ass off!

5. “I remember when I first had sex – I kept the receipt.” – Groucho Marx.

25. Something I’m currently worrying about – I’m worrying that once again, my post is getting too long!

26. Things I dislike & like about myself – I dislike the voices inside my head when they are loud enough to annoy other people around me. But I like my sense of humor, and I like it even more, when lots of other people like my sense of humor. (which is not always the case)

27. A quote I try to live by – “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.” I don’t always live up to it, but I do try.

28. Somewhere I`d like to move to or visit – Australia, so I could scuba dive on The Great Barrier Reef.

29. Five weird things I like –

1. Occasionally eating leftover cold mashed potatoes for breakfast.

2. Hiking in the forest at night, in the dark without a flashlight. (well, sometimes…)

3. Engaging in very exciting but dangerous activities that could kill me, if things go wrong or I make a mistake. (less so, as I’ve gotten older)

4. Getting turned on by seeing my wife completely naked, and then watching her slowly put on all her clothes until she is fully dressed, in a reverse striptease. (Did I mention that sometimes I get dyslexic?)

5. Posting my previous answer to No. 4 online here, where everyone can see it. My wife’s opinion may differ… (Nah, I know she’s cool with it!)

30. One thing I’m excited for – That I have finally finished answering all 30 questions! Yay!!! LOL :-D

Thanks Lynda! :-D

 

About Chris Sheridan

I’m a 56 year old guy who is young (and immature) at heart, and I love humor and laughter. Married for 22 years, but still enjoy all the glories of womanhood everywhere, even while dedicated to one woman only - and I hope my wife never finds out about her!
This entry was posted in Humor, Personal and tagged , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

15 Responses to The 30 Day Challenge

  1. So why is it called the 30 day challenge?

    • Because people with any common sense give themselves 30 days to complete it, instead of cramming it all into one day, as I have done today. But common sense is often very uncommon in much of what I do, so it’s all just par for the course for me. Any more questions? Since I know that I often leave people with many questions, after they are exposed to my frequently inscrutable behavior, I am used to answering questions and I don’t mind. In any case, thanks for stopping by.

      • I thought it had to be something like that. It just reminded me of something similar that is also called a 30 day challenge. It is where you post a different picture for 30 days in a row according to this list: http://wiki.answers.com/Q/What_is_the_30-day_Facebook_picture_challenge .

        Yours didn’t seem to be done in 30 days, which is why I asked. Stop by my blog sometime.

        • Jeeze!!! You gave me a real scare there, until I took a closer look at that link, and saw that version wasn’t the same as the one I did here – Cause for just a minute there, I was starting to think “Was I supposed to have done 30 pictures instead of writing answers and explanations? Did I just waste a whole lot of time here, effing this whole thing up?”

          But even if that had been the case, I would have quickly adapted, and just thought “Hey, I still like the way I did it better!” I have had many years of practice making this sort of adaptation, to turn what may at first seem like a mistake, into a new and better interpretation. (smirk!) Lol ;-)

          Stop by your blog? Sure, I’d be happy to! I’ll make a point of doing it soon, and TY for the invite.

  2. RFL says:

    So much in here that I don’t know where to start! Very entertaining post! I’m going to find a way to use callipygian in a conversation this week :)

    • I can understand that, since I almost didn’t know where to stop, or if I could finish, and towards the end there, I was starting to lapse into coherence! (no, not a typo, that’s what I meant.) But thanks a lot for liking my post enough to call it very entertaining, cause I really do appreciate it. :-)

      You’re going to use callipygian in a conversation? Better you than me… and let me know how you make out with that. Lol ;-)

  3. benzeknees says:

    Thanks for taking up the challenge Chris!

  4. Your tricycle story was cute. :D The email notification had the entire post in it, so I was able to read the story even though you removed it from this site.

    • Thanks! :-) I put the post back last night. I took it down because it was supposed to be an intro to the next post, which wasn’t written yet, and by itself, the Trike post just looked lame to me. So thanks for liking it on it’s own. :-)

  5. I’d HATE being married to you – it must be so scary! Thrills are one of the things in life I go out of my way to avoid – I really don’t like them at all. Adventure, yes. That said, I think you should’ve listed your wife as one of the things you lust after – she may hit you. You would’ve done well in medieval times, I feel…as a knight maybe, doing tourneys all the time, and handing your favour to your Lady.

    • Would you prefer having an affair with me instead? That way, whenever you get scared, you could go home until you feel safe, and you are no longer scared. But… obviously I’m just kidding with you, and in a friendly way, because I like you. :-)

      I could have put my wife on that list of lust, but I was listing examples of unattainable lust, and my wife is attainable, so she doesn’t qualify. For this, I am very grateful. Even if she does hit me, because I’ve taken her worst punch already, and I know that I can take it again. Now if she buys a gun… I’m in serious trouble. But I doubt that will happen.

      I know that I would do well in medieval times as a knight and with my ladies, because I already have… I tell people that I’m 55 years old, but the truth is that I am greatly exaggerating my youth whenever I say that. Lol ;-)

  6. GOF says:

    Thoroughly entertaining expose, and I have learned a lot, not only about you, but callipygian, and I’m proud of your contribution to affirmative action for blondes. :-)

    • Thanks GOF! :-) Glad you enjoyed it, and even learned from it, and I’m happy if I introduced you to a new word with callipygian. But I’d be even happier if I could introduce you to the model in the image I used to make “callipygian” a more memorable word – since this would mean that I got to know her first. (and if my wife is reading, I do NOT mean in the biblical sense, but just some friendly and platonic conversation.)

      Yes, blondes have suffered from being disadvantaged and a lack of opportunity for far too long now, and I’m glad that you agree with me that we should help them get a leg up, or maybe both, which is even better! Lol ;-)

  7. Pingback: Feeling Left Behind and Out in the Cold? This One’s for You. | Word Play

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