Fix the Titanic???

I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve experienced recurring dreams, in my entire life. But last night I had a recurring dream, and it was driving me nuts!!!

I kept telling Marilyn Monroe “No, not without a rubber!” But the foolish woman just refused to take my “No!” for a firm and final answer, and endlessly bugged me about it all night long instead! I couldn’t get any sleep, with all her insistent and incessant begging and pleading!

I said No! What part of ‘No!’ don’t you understand?!”

Uhm, wait a minute… that’s obviously not really true. It’s not true that I couldn’t get any sleep, because I couldn’t have a recurring dream about Marilyn Monroe begging me for sex without a rubber, unless I really was asleep. But I still felt like I’d been up all night long, and now I’m really tired! Thanks a lot, Marilyn!

Actually, that was not really the recurring dream I had all night long last night. Refusing to have sex with Marilyn Monroe without a rubber, no matter how much she begs me… is one of my recurring daydreams. (yeah, I know that’s weird, but so am I, so get used to it!)

As some of my more clever readers may have already guessed, after reading the title of this post, the actual recurring dream I had all night long last night, was that I was supposed to fix the Titanic. And if I didn’t fix the Titanic, there would be serious consequences. Serious consequences? Like what? That the boat would continue to stay sunk for another 100 years? Now that would be truly terrible!

But now maybe I’m being too literal here with my recurring dream interpretation, by thinking that I was supposed to actually fix the sunken wreck of the Titanic. Maybe what I was really supposed to do, was to fix “Titanic” by making James Cameron’s movie an hour shorter. I know that lots of people would agree this would be a good way to fix “Titanic”, including my Dad, who after seeing “Titanic” in 1997, and asked for his opinion of the movie, replied “The boat took too long to sink.” Lol ;-)

But listen people, I’m a busy guy and although I’m also a man of many talents, I am not a film editor, and even if I was, I could get in serious trouble for editing out an hour’s worth of “Titanic” since I’d be in serious violation of copyright laws. It’s also no secret that James Cameron is dangerously obsessed with both his movie about the Titanic, and even with the wreck itself. He recently remade his movie into a 3-D version, and he has also visited the 12,600 foot deep wreck in a submersible more than two dozen times.

Get over it, Jim!

So even if I could fix “Titanic” by cutting an hour out of the film, Cameron would go totally psycho and send his legal team after me like a pack of rabid wild dogs! My life is complicated enough these days without having to deal with that sort of thing on top of everything else.

And even if I did make the movie an hour shorter, it would still be hopelessly flawed, because leading “man” Leonardo DiCaprio would still look 13 years old compared to Kate Winslet’s 22, and Kate would still look like a cradle robber!

 

Don’t do it Kate! There’s laws against this sort of thing, and yes, even women can get into serious trouble for violating them!

Hell, even I would have been a better choice for a leading man to play opposite Kate, than leading prepubescent DiCaprio! What? You don’t believe me? Well then check this out!

Here’s Kate again, playing her “Titanic” movie role as “Rose”.

 

And here’s me playing Gene Simmons with my tongue!

Kate deserves nothing less than a real man, and I am obviously a far superior match for her, more than “Little Boy Leo” could ever be!

And another thing! I am also a far superior artist than young lad Leo, who although he claimed he could do the scene of drawing Rose without any help, he had Cameron leaping up out of his director’s chair and yelling “Cut! Cut!! Cut!!!” as soon as he saw DiCaprio’s attempt at “art”.

 

I mean, what did he expect from a 13 year old kid, who kept snickering while smirking and saying “Oh wow! Boobies! I can see her boobies! Hehehehe!”.

So of course Cameron had no choice but to find a real artist to do a drawing that did justice to the true measure of Kate’s beauty.

And even the professional artist couldn’t get it right!

Because this is MY version here below, and ladies, if you were Kate, now which drawing would you feel more flattered by? Yep, that’s just what I thought you’d say… since the right choice here is quite obvious.

And pay NO attention to those vicious rumors being spread around, that this is not actually my real and original artwork here. These are just small and mean lies being circulated by small and resentfully jealous minds without any true talent of their own!

So although I think I’ve made my case quite convincing here, that I could have fixed “Titanic” and made it a much better movie by editing the running time down by an hour, and also by taking over the role of leading man from DiCaprio and replacing him with me – a real man who is a real artist, and who also has a really long tongue… I won’t actually be doing any of this, and for reasons that are obvious – like the impossibility of doing any of this, for just one major reason.

So where does that leave me, as far as trying to explain my recurring dream that plagued me all of last night, about how I had to fix the Titanic or there would be serious consequences?

Deep breath… Big sigh. There is a realistic explanation for my recurring dream, and it’s a glaring example of why reality just really bites so much of the time. For over a week now, my wife has been plaguing me to fix a leaking valve on the water line to our hot water heating tank. Several years ago we had a similar problem, and due to much procrastination on my part, I did not fix the problem in time. As a consequence, the leaking valve burst while we were away, and by the time we came home, our entire basement was underwater. Maybe not under 12,600 feet of water like the Titanic, but still under enough water to cause an awful mess and a significant amount of water damage. Needless to say, my wife was not pleased…

So here’s some quick and uninspiring dream interpretation for you – If I don’t “fix the Titanic” soon, by fixing that leaking valve and our basement floods again, there will most definitely be some serious consequences… The Titanic went down on April 15th, 1912, over 100 years ago, after striking an iceberg in the freezing cold waters of the North Atlantic.

If our basement floods again because of my procrastination, our bedroom will become as freezing cold as those North Atlantic waters the Titanic went down in, and it will be over 100 years later, before my wife goes down on me again.

Which is why I’m ending this post right now, and grabbing a tool box! Brrrr!!!

 

About Chris Sheridan

I’m a 56 year old guy who is young (and immature) at heart, and I love humor and laughter. Married for 22 years, but still enjoy all the glories of womanhood everywhere, even while dedicated to one woman only - and I hope my wife never finds out about her!
This entry was posted in Humor, Personal and tagged , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

15 Responses to Fix the Titanic???

  1. What a funny thing to dream about..sounds like you have a strong and ominous sense of responsibility, Chris. Leo..well I kind of agree, I’d rather dally with a man with a grizzled chin.

    • The funny thing is that I actually was plagued for most of the night last night, by this stupid dream that I had to fix the Titanic, or face serious consequences. I kept waking up and as soon as I went back to sleep, I’d have the same dream all over again. I finally got so annoyed with it, that I got out of bed and read a magazine for an hour, and then when I went back to bed and to sleep, thankfully, I was no longer bothered by the dream. But hey, at least it gave me an idea for a blog post! Lol :-)

      I can see why you’d “rather dally with a man with a grizzled chin”, than with a kid who looks like he’s a year away from shaving. Lol ;-) Thanks for reading and commenting, Rose.

  2. benzeknees says:

    Welcome back Chris – it’s been awhile. Good way to segue from Titanic to water line.

    • Thanks Lynda! :-) Yes, it has been awhile, because this irritating thing called real life keeps interfering with and infringing upon my available online time here on WordPress. Until today, I also haven’t had a decent idea for a humorous blog post that I really enjoyed writing, since you inspired me with your “30 Day Challenge” post back on October 1st, so it’s been a very long creative dry spell for me. So extra thanks for reading my post tonight and for your encouragement, and I’ll be headed your way soon. :-)

  3. Holy crap, that was funny! I’m a huge “Titanic” fan (See here http://wp.me/p1se8R-2Hm and here http://wp.me/p1se8R-3pF) but I’ve never seen the story from this point of view. Your hysterical observations, while surely a bit of procrastination in and of themselves, have motivated me to check on my own hot water heater. Thanks for another great post!

    • Okay, time for “True Confessions”. When my wife and I saw “Titanic” in the theater when it was first released in 1997, we both loved it, and yes, even I got a little bit teary eyed at the end of the movie. I’ve also watched “Titanic” twice since then on cable TV and really enjoyed seeing the movie again both times. BUT… however much I enjoyed “Titanic” I just seem to have this irresistible urge to poke fun at the movie, and this post is not the first time I’ve done it. So thanks for having enough of a sense of humor to enjoy my humor here, and good luck with your own hot water heater! Lol :-)

  4. hombres says:

    muy buenos dias acabo de enterarme de tu blog y la verdad es que me parece excelente no sabia de mas personas interesadas en estos temas, aqui tienes un nuevo lector que seguira visitandote constantemente.

  5. susielindau says:

    I have recurring dreams, but none with Leonardo Di Caprio! Dang!
    Thanks for coming by the party. I hope you met some new bloggers!

    • Then maybe you should watch DiCaprio in his “J. Edgar” movie, cause seeing him in that role might be worth many recurring dreams – although maybe not the dreams you’d enjoy having… Lol ;-) J/K Susie! Leo’s all right and I was just having a little fun with him here. I thought he was great in “The Departed” and a few other movies. Your party was fun as always, and yep, I did meet some new bloggers, so thanks for the party, and thanks for reading and commenting here. :-)

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