About

Hi, I’m Chris, and welcome to my blog. I’m a 55 year old guy and married to my wife of 21 years, who is a saint to put up with me for so long. But I figure that I must be doing something right, to make me worth all the trouble I cause, or she wouldn’t keep me around. (She LIVES for the adventure of living with me! She just doesn’t want to admit it; except maybe to her therapist, whom I have driven her to see.)

I am very reverential about being irreverent, and no I don’t think that’s contradictory, or an oxymoron. Hmm… I’ve always liked that word, “oxymoron”… because it seems like it could have different meanings – like are the people who get drunk and stay up until 3am watching infomercials about “Oxy-Kleen”, oxy-morons? Is a very large and lumbering man who is slow witted, but very strong, an oxymoron? Even if he is, I suggest you don’t call him one – especially late at night in a bar. He might kick up the sawdust on the floor with his hooves, snort a lot and then charge you!

What? You’ve never been in a bar where they spread sawdust on the floor? You’ve lived a sheltered life, and obviously you haven’t been to some of the quality drinking establishments that I have… One of my all time favorites, was this hole in the wall dive located at the base of an enormous boulder. They named it “The Rock Bottom Cafe”. Yes, there was sawdust on the floor there, and the patrons looked like they were at “the rock bottom” in more ways than just being in a bar with that name.

But I undress… Or maybe I digress. Undressing is more fun, unless you are getting a physical.

My main reason for blogging, is to have fun and make people laugh. I can make people laugh just by walking in a room and without saying a word, because I’m a rather peculiar looking man, and I suspect that more than a few of my relatives took it a lot further than just being “kissing cousins”. But since we are in a virtual world here, you can’t see me walk into a room, so I will have to do without the visual humor, except for the humorous visuals I can create in your minds with my written words.

My sense of humor tends to be rather ribald and risque’, and I enjoy putting lots of sexual innuendo in my posts. Hmm… “innuendo” – another interesting word that sounds like Chico Marx describing what position he wants to try next. ;-)

I don’t do politics… In these extremely polarized political times, discussing politics seems to be the fastest way to ruin new friendships, so I won’t be wasting my time and energy here discussing political differences.

But even though I am so reverential about being irreverent, I do sometimes lapse into seriousness in my writing, but not to worry, because it never lasts for very long.

I started this blog on December 1st, and three months and four days later, these are a few of my earlier posts that have been pushed down the list to the point that I doubt anyone sees them anymore. Maybe you might want to check them out, and I hope you’ll enjoy reading them.

Cell Phone Use in the Restroom

BAD MOOD ON THE RISE!

Hawaiian Misadventure

“Hawaiian Misadventure” is a rare departure for me, because it’s not humor, but instead it’s a true story about the night that my wife and I got lost in a Hawaiian jungle.

And that’s enough about me for now! Because I don’t want to wear out my welcome and become boring… Nothing more I dislike than when I’m boring people, or becoming a bore. So in an effort to not become boring, I will now STFU!

Have a nice morning, noon, afternoon, evening, or night, whatever it is right now, wherever you are!

Chris

41 Responses to About

  1. oh this made me giggle so much, especially the innuendo bit. :)

  2. Okay, I’m not sure if this is the “proper” procedure, but doing it anyway. How else would you know I nominated you for “Candle Lighter Award” – unless you read the post, but life happens and you may miss it. Congrat’s! You deserve it. LOVE YOUR BLOG! http://motleynews.net/2012/01/03/candle-lighter-award/

    • I just saw this, Michelle. Thank you very much! It means a lot to me, and especially since it’s coming from you. I also think that your blog is great, because there’s so much variety in what you do, and you do it so well. So congratulations on your “Candle Lighter Award” nomination, because you most definitely deserve it!

  3. PiedType says:

    Sexual innuendo, eh? Sounds a lot more fun than politics. I definitely be back to check that out when I have more time.

  4. sheelbeel says:

    Ahahahaha very funny. And I’m glad someone else loves the word oxymoron as much as I do! But I also love the word “moron” so maybe that has something to do with it…It’s just such a descriptive word! Haha. Thanks for the laugh.

    • Maybe us oxymoron lovers should get together and form a group! Actually, “The Oxymoron Lovers” would be a pretty cool name for a band. Do you sing or play an instrument? If you don’t, don’t worry about it, because the only place I sing and play my instrument is in the shower. But it was still a cool thought. Thanks for stopping by and I’m glad that you enjoyed my verbal meanderings. :-)

  5. Love your ‘about’ and am damned glad to meet another juvenile joke offender ;)

  6. Thanks! I’m sure I’ll be getting real juvenile again real soon, so I’m always happy when someone appreciates that in me, and I’ll always reciprocate the same in return. So whenever you need a comic reach around, well I’ll be right behind you! And I don’t think I’ve ever said that to a woman before… and why do I feel like this could be the first as well as the last time that I do?! Lol :-)

  7. Pingback: The Versatile Blogger « butimbeautiful

  8. And I nominated you for the Versatile Blogger! You don’t have to accept but what you do accept will be written down and used in evidence against you…oh no actually sorry that’s a different situation isn’t it, oh well – I mean, thanks for blogging, you’re very funny! http://butimbeautiful.wordpress.com/

    • And I’m very glad that we’re not involved in that other situation! Congrats on your award, and thanks so much for sharing it with me. But now listen here, young lady! I’ll give you exactly ONE MONTH to stop spreading this silly rumor that I’m very funny! And right after that? Well, I’ll renew your subscription – so don’t say that I didn’t warn you!

  9. I really enjoy your blog. I think readers at http://www.DiatribesAndOvations.com would enjoy it, too. Would you consider a link exchange?

  10. alundeberg says:

    Hi there! I just nominated you for the Versatile Blogger Award! Enjoy! Check it out at http://readncook.wordpress.com/2012/04/27/a-good-day-made-better/

  11. Hi, I really like your blog and your posts are always very inspiring to me. This is why I have nominated you for the Inspiring Blog Award. The follow link will explain. http://lazyambitious.wordpress.com/2012/11/02/inspiring-blog-award/

    • Why thank you, Lazy Ambitious! :-) Great name, BTW. I haven’t done an award acceptance post in ages, but I think the timing is right for me to do one soon, so thanks for the opportunity. I’ll be heading over your way very soon! :-)

  12. Teeny Bikini says:

    Oh my god! I can’t believe I found you here. I was passing by gswaterman’s page and there was your picture. Totally AWESOME! Following.. Next. Yay!!

    • And I feel like someone just gave me a really cool Christmas gift! Just saw your comment pending, and approved it, and did a major double take when I saw “Teeny Bikini”! Then I immediately checked to see if you have a “non-SP” blog and you DO!!! Which is Totally AWESOME for me! What happened to me on SP was ridiculously stupid and pointless, as well as very painful for me… But that experience eventually brought me here to WordPress, and at least as far as blogging, this is sooo much better! I always thought that you were one of the very best bloggers on SP, and I’m delighted that you found me! Because now I can follow your blog and read some “guaranteed to be great!” posts! :-)

      • Teeny Bikini says:

        What happened to you was ridiculous and wrong, but I am so glad you found this creative space. You deserve the best and you have the freedom to say it any way you want now! Isn’t it the BEST?! I am lovin’ it. I am OVER THE MOON that I found you here (no exaggeration). This friggin’ rocks! X

        • Yeah, talk about the proverbial blessing in disguise!!! The freedom to BE creative here is the BEST, and most of all, after my SP experience of feeling like I was in the blogging equivalent of Jr. high school and hounded by a bunch of prudish and humorless hall monitors. Over the moon? No exaggeration? You really know how to make a guy feel good Teeny! And I say that without exaggeration, or any double entendres or bawdy innuendo intended! (But if I told you that you have a beautiful bawdy, would you hold it against me? Or just be unimpressed because I can’t spell?! lol)

          This DOES friggin’ rock, and I’ll give your blog a very thorough going over, very soon! Even more thorough than the TSA does at airports with elderly grandmothers and preschool children! (what is WRONG with those people?!?!) Lol :-)

          • Teeny Bikini says:

            Say what now?! No double entrendres? Oh gawd. Let’s hope this phase is over soon… :)

            You. are. awesome.

            • Thanks and so are you! :-) We should form “The Society of Totally Awesome Awesomeness” with you and me only, as exclusive members, and no one else included. Because no one else can ever touch our total awesomeness. (unless they’re really hot and we want them to. I’ve got Penelope Cruz – and I got her first, so you’ll have to get someone else, and I’m sure you can.)

              I wouldn’t worry about my “no double entendres” phase lasting very long, since it lasts about as long as a phase of the moon. The moon has always impressed me, because I can see a full moon with my naked eye, and I don’t need a telescope. (unless I get bored and want to use a telescope to look for other heavenly bodies in windows,)

              I also know that if I saw your full moon, I’d be REALLY impressed! And you’d be impressed with how long my telescope would extend, when I saw your full moon!

              Okay, so do you feel better now, about my (former) absence of double entendres? Or do you feel like you want to kill me? Lol ;-)

              • Teeny Bikini says:

                Sometimes I have to read your comments twice – on different days – they are that funny. And yes, I am totally down with “our own” society of awesome awsomeness. If you have Penelope, I will need Idris Elba or Ryan Goseling. We’ll have to make them promise to not talk – they are just there to look pretty. PS – I do feel better now… Hugs.

              • Thanks! I’m feeling kinda worn down tonight, so I have extra appreciation right now for your appreciation of me, and my verbal meanderings from the infinitely uncomplicated convolutions of my brain. I appreciate you muchly too, and “The Society of Totally Awesome Awesomeness” meeting is now in session. Idris and Ryan, please look pretty and refrain from talking! That goes for you as well Penelope, except you are free to make some nonverbal sexy vocalizations if you’re in the mood, and I certainly hope so!

                Teeny, thanks for thinking I’m funny, instead of just thinking I’m weird. I will now see you in another location where you have left me some keystrokes, and thanks for doing so! :-)

                These proceedings are now closed! Until they proceed to be open again, which could be as soon and frequent as little brats running in and out of a loudly closing storm door on a warm summer day.

    • Hey, I was looking in my writing archives for something else, when I found this little blast from the past. It’s a goodie message that I sent you in August of 2011, when Hurricane Irene was approaching. I probably copied it because SP was glitching out on me, and blowing away my goodie messages. I thought it was kinda cool to suddenly find it right now, so I thought I’d pass it along to you. :-) Again, a year and 5 months later. Lol

      **********************************

      Hugs back, Teeny. You’re still definitely MY rock star too!

      Spark needs a better “hug” goodie… I’ve never been a big fan of teddy bears, the huddle hug reminds me too much of HS football and I don’t want to think about hugging any of those guys, and I REFUSE to send anyone the faceless, featureless, emaciated Pillsbury dough boy huggers, because that sh*t is just seriously f*cked up! Lol ;-)

      But I really did appreciate your comment on my status, so for the sake of hugging you, I can deal with being a huggy bear at least this once. :-)

      I am now going to go back and read over again your “Obedience School” blog just for the laughs, because it’s THAT good! I have never read anyone else’s blog a second time, just for the sheer entertainment value, and I’m not just shining you on!

      Please be well, stay safe, and watch out for that bitch Irene!

      Chris

      • Teeny Bikini says:

        LOL. Let me first applaud your record-keeping. That’s just impressive. Anytime you want to do my taxes, I’m in. The funny thing is I do remember the comment about the featureless hugging dudes. How weird is that?! You clearly know how to leave an impression. X

        • Nah, you don’t want me to do your taxes, cause throughout most of my higher education I was an English major. So having me do your taxes would be like (drawing total blank on punch line here, but I just know there is a good one.) me doing your taxes would be like having (starting to come up with some good ones, but wary of using them, because they involve either politics or religion – which is like having Fred Astaire do his greatest tap dancing ever, in a mine field – high probability of things blowing up very quickly, which would be a real waste of talent with Astaire) OK – one more try on this one: Since I was an English major in college having me do your taxes would be like having Donald Trump give a lecture on the very best new cutting edge trends in Men’s hairstyling. Ugh… that was weak and I’m tired, but I gave it my best shot, when it would probably have been better to pass the ball to Helen Keller, who almost always got nothing but net for her three pointers, as long as the basketball was printed with Braille. (A bad Helen Keller joke? Really, Chris? That’s it! I’m hauling my tired out ass to bed right now! Sheesh!) Sorry Teeny! Lol

          • And did you know when Helen Keller has brushed her teeth? She had that Gleam in her eye…
            Yeah you’ve written a far better punch line, Mom had a BFA in English. Grrrrrr.
            Fear not: I am in possession of a completely worthless BFA in Music Performance. It hangs proudly in the bathroom.
            Chris, the only things you have to accomplish in this life are staying alive and dying at an appropriate time. Screw taxes (says someone on disability who no longer has to pay them due to an amazingly low income).
            Potatoes and Pasta! It’s what for dinner!
            No double entendres intended..
            She said potatoes heh heh heh

            • Thanks Rachael! :-) I liked your Helen Keller punch line, and laughed out loud when I read it. And hey, Music Performance BFA hanging in the bathroom or not, you’re a musical performing star at “Burning Man” which I still have yet to get off my dead ass and go out to attend, even though I know that I’d love it. But maybe 2013 is the year…

              Dying at an appropriate time? Okay, I guess I’ll try for that. I also want to pre-record my own eulogy for my own funeral and have them play it at the service, because for just one last time, I want to make my audience die laughing, even though I’m the one who’s really dead!

              And for those relatives who, because I do have a lifelong problem with tardiness, have exclaimed “You’d be late for your own funeral!” well I’ll have a special treat for them, because I’m going to make arrangements to actually BE an hour late for my own funeral, until I make my grand entrance by having my well embalmed but mannequin like body wheeled up while standing upright on a freight dolly, to the front of the church, and then stood up at the podium, instead of placed horizontal in my casket. My first pre-recorded line will then play, in which I’ll say, “Sorry for keeping you folks waiting, and I also want to say that just because I’m dead, I am not going to take this “dying thing” laying down!”

              Hey, since you seem like the kind of person who would enjoy it, (meant as a compliment) would you like me to send you an early invitation to my funeral? Just a thought, and if you’re not into it, hey, no problem! Lol :-D

          • Teeny Bikini says:

            I’ve never heard a Helen Keller joke. That takes mad skillz ;) Not to worry, I have a tax guy who just loves to take my money…

            • You’ve never heard a Helen Keller Joke? What… Are you deaf? Just kidding! Lol :-D

              I have a tax guy who has done an excellent job for us, for many years – except that every year when my wife picks up our taxes, he looks at her and says, “So you’re still married to that guy, huh?” Then he shakes his head and says “Amazing…”

              But I don’t hold it against him, because he doesn’t know the full extent of my “talents” and he never will. Lol :-)

  13. crazybunny66 says:

    Hi there, please note that I have nominated you for an award, check it out at : http://crazybunny66.wordpress.com/2013/01/08/and-the-nominees-are/

  14. Teeny Bikini says:

    Hey there. Just checking in to see what kind of adventures you’re up to … :)

    • Hi, and thanks for checking in on me. I’ve needed some time away from blogging since my father passed away on December 30th. It was honestly the best thing that could have happened, both for him and for those of us who loved him. He was diagnosed with dementia over 3 yrs and 10 months ago, and his mind as well as his personality was almost completely gone a year ago, along with his quality of life. So his passing on was more merciful than it was heartbreaking.

      In spite of all that’s gone on, I’m genuinely doing okay right now, and I’ll be back in blogging action within a few days. Thanks again for checking in. :-)

  15. Elyse says:

    Hi Chris,

    I’ve “hit” you for a blogging “Tag you must answer all my questions” game (http://fiftyfourandahalf.com/2013/02/17/beats-the-alternative/). You may answer or not, play or not. I won’t judge you, but thought you might need a jumpstart to get back online. Hope you’re well.

    Elyse

  16. RFL says:

    Just checking on you blogging buddy. Haven’t heard from you in awhile, but I hope you’re well!

  17. xdeviantonex says:

    Hey dude have not heard from you in a minue=te. Run out of cool things to write about?

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