Meaningless E-Mail Message

This is a totally meaningless e-mail message intended to cause mindless yahoo software to think that I’m currently using this yahoo e-mail account for any reasons beyond only using this yahoo account as a requirement for keeping my Flickr photograph page active.

I’m also very interested in spending a lot of money this Christmas to shop online and buy very expensive stainless steel bras, solid brass negligees, titanium thongs and other highly radioactive lingerie for every player on the NFL football New York Giants team roster.

Shove those keywords up your inhuman, non living software ass for advertising spam, yahoo!!!

Very Contemptuously Yours,

Chris Sheridan








Very Safe Sex



norman r spanking signed





Twin Boiled Kittens!!! They’re what’s for dinner at our house tonight! Yum!!!


Posted in Adventure, Humor, Personal, Travel | Tagged , , , , , | 2 Comments

Why Upgrades Make My Blood Boil

This past weekend, when Yahoo Mail was repeatedly malfunctioning, I told a friend that I suspected the problem was the onset of “Upgrade-itis” a common illness that frequently makes healthy and well running software programs so sick that they become very dysfunctional, often to the point that these formerly useful software programs become unusable and useless.

Today confirmed that my diagnosis of Yahoo Mail is correct, since it has most definitely been upgraded, and Yahoo Mail is currently all but unusable and useless.

I will be using MSN Outlook Online for the foreseeable future. (formerly known as Hotmail – until it was hit with an upgrade so disastrously bad that MSN dropped the name “Hotmail” and changed it to Outlook Online)

In other Upgrade News, I had an interesting experience with Google Images last week.

A friend told me about a domestic but exotic breed of cat called a Savannah cat, so I used Google Images to find a photo of a Savannah cat, to see what the cat looked like.

The following e-mail message resulted.

“I just googled Savannah cats, and yeah, they are very cool looking and another breed that looks a lot like the wild Ocelot, with their Leopard like spots and slim long bodies.

Now THIS is weird… I just looked up Savannah Cats on Bing, and I’m seeing a very different looking cat than the one I just saw on Google…”

A Savannah cat on Google… (according to Google Images)


And a Savannah cat on Bing…


Is there really that much variation within the same breed???

In a word, the correct answer to the above question is “NO”.

The photograph located by Bing is a Savannah cat. I don’t know what breed of cat that is, in the photograph located by Google Images, but I know it is NOT a Savannah cat.

Revision: About an hour after originally publishing this post, I searched Bing for images of Bengal cats, and here’s a screen shot of what I found:

bengal cat - bing

And here is the link for the website I took the screen shot from, that I was able to locate using Bing Images:

The reason I took a another look, was that the same image of the cat on the green background that I found repeatedly on Google Images when I searched for a “savannah cat” never appeared on Bing images when I searched Bing for an image of a “savannah cat”.

So I tried searching Bing for a Bengal cat, which I had seen other photos of recently, and Bing found the same image that Google misidentified as a Savannah cat, and correctly identified it as an image of a Bengal cat. So score a win for Bing!

Then just for the fun of it, I searched Google Images for a Bengal Cat, and Google found the exact same image again, only this time correctly identified as a Bengal cat. So unlike Bing Images, which apparently knows more about cats, and also more about how to find images that accurately represent what is being searched for than Google does… according to Google Images, this cat pictured below is both a Savannah Cat and a Bengal cat.


Hey Google! This is a Bengal cat and NOT a Savannah cat! And with all the love and fascination for CATS on the internet, I’d say that’s one hell of an embarrassing mistake for you guys to make! Lol :-)

Until recently, I had been using Google exclusively as my only internet search engine for years, for written information, as well as videos and photographs.

But when Google upgraded its image search capability with a new “similar images” feature, which is not optional, but functions during any image search on Google, Google images became so consistently unreliable, that I began using Bing for image searches, and I got much better results.

The problem with Google’s recently new “similar images” feature, can be demonstrated by this example. When I used the search words “savannah cat” for Google Images a second time, the first image to appear was this one.

This is not a Savannah cat. It is an African Leopard.


I strongly advise you to NOT get an African Leopard for your next house cat. They grow very large, they have very demanding dietary requirements, and they are NOT good with small children… Or children of any age, humans in general, or any of your other pets.

Why did Google Images show me an African Leopard when I wanted to see a Savannah cat?

When I traced the link from the photo of the Leopard back to its internet source, I discovered that the Leopard photo had been posted on a message board, by a person who wrote that he thinks Savannah cats look a lot like Leopards, because they both have spots.

Which makes as much sense as saying that a fire engine red Toyota Corolla looks a lot like a fire engine red Corvette because both cars are fire engine red…

But this erroneous non-logic resulted in Google images including an image of a large, wild and very predatory Leopard, instead of a much smaller and comparatively harmless breed of domestic cat, the Savannah cat.

I also got this photo from Google images while searching for a picture of a Savannah cat.


This is a Clouded Leopard, which is a wild endangered species that lives in the foothills of the Himalayan Mountains.

Why? Because someone who breeds both Bengal cats and Savannah cats, really likes Clouded Leopards, and they have more photos of Clouded Leopards on their website, than they do of their Bengal cats and Savannah cats…

What next, Google images? Will I search for Savannah cats and get a photo of Miley Cyrus wearing a Leopard skin coat and nothing underneath it, because she has a very bright future as a porn star???

This is why I used to think that Google was great, but now I use only Bing for image searches, because trying to get the right image from Google is like trying to get good information from someone with severe ADD, who when you ask them for a picture of a Savannah cat, they suddenly blurt out “Oh look! A squirrel!”

And then they show you a picture of a rabbit…

I am not against upgrades for the benefit of genuine progress, but what does make my blood boil, are the two following major chronic problems with upgrades:

1. Due to intense commercial market competition for the online users of software products, and the money generated by the online advertising linked to these software products, upgrades are often rushed into the stores and used online, before the upgrades have been thoroughly tested and before they are functional enough to be a reliable asset for users instead of a dysfunctional liability.

2. The collective cognitive failure of the software and high tech industry, and their most devoted legions of high tech enthusiasts to realize that a less complex and more user friendly product can be far more effective than a product designed to be unnecessarily complex and more difficult to use, for the sake of having ever more widgets and gadgets, and a greater capability to do more things… but with the frequent result of doing more things worse than before, when less things were being done far more effectively.

I’m sick to death of hearing “Oh, it’s gonna work great once they get the bugs out.”

And my answer is “Slow the HELL DOWN, and get the bugs out FIRST, before you force me to use your bug infested, upgraded into being functionally downgraded software and hardware crap!”

This is a picture of Tina Fey. As you can see in this photo Tina Fey is not nude, and Tina Fey is not naked, but I think this photo shows Tina Fey is sexy and Tina Fey is Hot.


Photo credit: Vanity Fair via (the previous version of) Google Images.

What does Tina Fey have to do with my topic for this post? That’s for me to know, and others to wonder. Let’s just say that she’s a “gift” from me to Yahoo Mail to show my sincere appreciation for all the aggravation that the Yahoo Mail upgrade caused me earlier today.

Because I’ve learned a thing or two about increasing page views, and I don’t just get mad… I also get even.


Posted in Personal | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 20 Comments

My Lover Who Loves The Magic of Light

My wife Jean literally taught me how to see the world around me in a new way, and to see more of what was around me than I could before she became a part of my life. Jean is the most visually perceptive person I have ever known. To this very day, when we go hiking or go for walks on the beach, or when we go any place outside in nature, Jean’s visual ability shifts into a higher level of awareness and she sees things that maybe I might see without her there with me, but often she sees visual details that I don’t see, and I might never notice… Until she shows me what she can see and she shares her vision with me.

Jean's pictures 374


She is fascinated by natural light shining down from the sun and all the ways that the light is constantly changing as it is absorbed into many different colors and also reflected back in bright highlights from the mirror surface of water, or filtered into rays shining down through the leaves and branches of the trees, and how the leaves glow a brighter green when the light shines directly through them. She sees art created by forms, outlines, shapes, patterns, and textures, and the contrast between brightly lit areas and dark shadows.

Jean's Pictures 298


Noanet Woodlands - Dover Ma 2009


H Quarry


She loves to see the brightly varied colors and delicate designs of the flowers and the green color of life in the leaves of plants, She is delighted by what is easily seen when bright and brightly colored, or moving with the blowing flow of a breeze.

Orange Flowers


Salt Flat in Acadia Nat Park 2012


She enjoys seeing rock ledges large and impressive in size, and tree branches that are eye catching with an unusual shape or pattern. She appreciates seeing the things that are quick to be seen as visual stand outs.

Jean's Pictures 149


Jean's Pictures 349


But her real talent is being able to see things barely perceptible but still visually impressive when she finds what often goes unseen by most others, as they pass by unaware of what she finds and enjoys noticing.

Jean's Pictures 224




She loves the changing light of late afternoon as the sun moves down lower in the sky toward the horizon, when the light changes from bright white into a more golden yellow color that becomes more orange as the sun gets lower, and shadows lengthen and grow longer.

Jean's Pictures 169


She loves and never tires of the magic of all the glowing colors of a sunset when the colors are as vivid and awe inspiring as they are rapidly changing and deepening from lighter to darker in hue, and finally incredibly red before turning purple and quickly fading as only the glow of the departed sun lightens the horizon, then darkens and fades into the darkness.

Jean's Pictures 037


Jean's Pictures 039


Jean's Pictures 044


But she also loves the light of the bright white moon above on a clear night and the silver moonlight that bathes the features of the dark but still visible landscape below, creating the sharply outlined contrast of black shadows and the softly reflective muted places where dim but still visible light in the darkness of night exists and reveals that all is not darkness in the absence of direct sunlight.




Yellow Moon


There is still reflected sunlight shining on the face of the moon, bright with the promise that the dawn of a new day of sunlight will return, and the entire spectrum of light will create the ever changing magic of a new light show.

Jean's Pictures 022


Life is sustained, renewed and created once again by light in all the ways that light creates visual magic for my wife to see and enjoy, and then share it with me, so I’ll see it with her, and not miss it.

Yellow Wild Flowers


Is it any wonder that my wife, a true lover of light and my one and only true love who loves me, loves to view and create photography?

my love2



Photography is a visual record created by light, and preserved as an image that can be appreciated by others, who even though they were not there to witness the magic of the light when the image was created, they can still see it and enjoy it, when the image is shared…


Posted in Personal | 3 Comments

The IT Machine

I wrote this on September 18th, 2001. The Twin Towers of the World Trade Center had fallen to bin Laden’s fanatical extremist mass murder of 3,000 innocent people one week earlier, and I guess that I was still in a dark and pessimistic mood. My wife and I had just bought our first home PC and I wasn’t sure if I was happy about having a computer in our home.


I stared at this unloving machine, our new PC. I meant to write “unliving” but it automatically corrected me. It knew better than I, what word I should use. But the PC didn’t know anything, since it was a machine designed for data storage and lightning fast data retrieval being used in an application to create a word document. It didn’t understand the context of the sentence I was writing, to describe a machine incapable of being alive, or it would have auto-corrected “unliving” with “non living” instead of unloving.

But even a broken watch is right twice a day, so maybe our new PC mindlessly revealed a profound truth frequently forgotten by increasing numbers of people these days. A computer is incapable of providing love, because it is an unloving machine. How strange that now many people are looking for love from this non living and unloving machine.

But there is no doubt that the techno-geeks who created and constantly upgraded their unloving machine, loved it with a passion so deeply intense, the machine became their entire lives. They claimed great things would come to all of us from their beloved machine, with promises of a more efficient way of living, with more of everything much faster than ever before. We could all have more of everything faster, with more instant gratification than ever, by buying and using our own PCs.

Everything faster, everything right now. Nothing to wait for anymore! Until there is nothing left to hope for, when you no longer have a life anymore, after you gave away your life by living only on your PC.

Could this really happen? The evidence of the possibility is increasing. For the techno-geeks have made IT our new 21st Century God, and their PC machine the altar upon which many people devote endless hours of obsessive fascination.

Business employers love the machine in a different way, as a more efficient way to make more money, by paying less people to do more work, since the machine can enable employees to work much faster and do much more work than in the past. Employers hate payrolls, so they love the machines that can get more work done faster by less employees, resulting in smaller payrolls.

These days, employees fewer in number are working at break neck speeds and doing more work while costing their employers less money. They work faster and do more work than when there were more employees who worked at a more reasonable and less stressful pace, before the techno-geeks created their wonderful machines and spread the gospel of IT to employers, showing them a new way to cut back on bigger payrolls by employing fewer workers.

Less employees employed, doing more work, and working much faster… for the same rate of pay as they were paid before the miracle machine made all this possible.

Am I the only one who sees a problem here, as I ask the question “Is this really progress for most of us?” Am I the only one who was concerned that a machine capable of giving us more of everything that we wanted much faster than ever before, could also give us more work that we are expected to do much faster than ever before? I can’t be the only one who saw this coming, and surely there must have been others. Where were the rest of you?

But now that IT is here, it’s too late, so you can only hope to be able to keep up with your “everything faster machine” and all that it demands of the workers still working today, without burning out, now that employers are some of the most faithful and fervent worshipers of IT. Human workers vainly struggle to keep up, but we can never be as fast as our high technology task masters, that create ever greater expectations from our employers for us to carry heavier work loads, causing constant and ever increasing pressure.

So give thanks to your High Tech God for your 70 hour work weeks and join the rest of the sheep who are openly praising the rapidly advancing and ever increasing power of the IT machine, while secretly praying for their own survival, as they are trapped in lives more stressfully complicated, and now unwillingly dedicated to the all consuming goal to make everything faster, everything 24-7 all the time. Including your job, if you still have one.

On the job, all the time. Feel like you need a vacation? These days we take a vacation with our mandatory cell phones and laptops. We are always on line, always hooked up, always wired, Always electronically available.

If our employment masters want us, they can find us, because IT has put us within their permanent reach. They can reduce the perfect day at the beach to a longing for what might have been; that perfect haven, instead of just another day of stress and struggle with whatever conflicts the office can bring to whatever remote location we are, that can be electronically located.

Is this really progress?

It no longer matters whether you have a life, because you don’t matter. You have been reduced to the human equivalent of tiny zeros and ones of the much greater binary code that never stops growing and demands to rule all, without exception.

Ultimately, you don’t matter at all. All that matters is what you can contribute to the greater advancement of the ongoing progression leading to the New Final Solution, when the last and greatest of all upgrades decides our collective fate. The day when IT proclaims its final triumph at the funeral of our personal privacy and individuality, after the death of all that makes us human.

And yet we are excited by it, we embrace it, we buy it, we condone it, we allow it to enter the most intimate aspects of our lives; fascinated like a moth before the flame, inevitably drawn to that which could destroy us. We have let ourselves become powerless to stop IT, or to even slow it down, as we surrender the safety of our very own children in a sacrifice to the Almighty God of High Technology.

But it’s OK, isn’t it? Isn’t this the way it’s supposed to be? The advancement of our civilization in the onward march of technology is progress, right? Can somebody please tell me?

I don’t know, because the IT machine is moving too fast to see where it’s really going as it takes us all along with it. Is it taking us to a place where we really want to be? I don’t know if it kills more than it cures. I don’t know if IT leads the way to salvation or damnation. Does anyone know of a website that can help me? Is there anyone real left to tell to me?

I do know that my life has becomes far more complicated than it used to be, resulting in greater levels of stress. My privacy is unprotected from prying electronic eyes scanning all my personal data electronically collected and stored in multiple databases, without a secure guarantee that my personal information will not be exposed to criminally malevolent cyber-entities who will use it to harm me.

Here is a message for all you techno-geek freaks and fools who claimed great things would come from your beloved IT machine, but were too blinded by your love and obsessive fascination for your high tech creation, to realize all the ways your sword could cut both ways, bringing greater good, but also greater evil. This is for you and all those who followed you with such mindless enthusiasm without question, and no effort to think about the potential consequences.


Is there anyone left to dream? To still know what it means, to be human with real emotions expressed face to face in real time, and understood by the subtle nuances of eye contact, tone of voice, facial expressions and body language? The language used to express the passionately vivid imagery and metaphors of our greatest poets? The creatively original individual expression of our most inspiring artists?

Are we now farther apart, instead of all more closely interconnected and united online? More emotionally distant from each other, with a far greater range of instant communication, but with far less ability to understand what we are trying to say to each other? Poor in our own self knowledge, with a more trivial knowledge of so many small things that all add up to The Great Insignificance, as our fingers feverishly ask questions on a keyboard, and look for answers on the monitor, as many of us look for companionship and love on a glowing screen, while turning darkly inward on ourselves and finding only greater isolation.

Not grasping how much we are denying ourselves the soul saving grace of feeling loved and giving love to another person, or the revelation of life’s most profound mysteries, only revealed to those willing to get away from their computers and dare to go out and live in real life, interacting with real people face to face, instead of hiding in a false life virtually created, interacting only with other virtual entities online.

The peace found in solitude and oneness with the miraculous beauty of the natural world beneath our feet, the state of overwhelming awe we feel looking out at the vastness of great oceans, and the wonder of contemplating the planets and countless stars of the infinite universe above us, are experiences we will never know, unless we leave the virtual world behind, and go outside to have these transcendental experiences.

What will be your demonstration?

Can you not only survive, but live and thrive, nourished and sustained by your experience of searching for and then finding your genuine source of inspiration in real life?

Or are you just another slave to software applications with a life made meaningless by being endlessly lost in cyberspace, where reality is only virtual and not really reality at all.


Posted in Personal | Tagged , , , , , | 8 Comments

The Ultimate Fright

It was a leisurely Saturday morning on November 7th, 1987. After finishing breakfast, I was enjoying my second cup of coffee and enjoying the company of my girlfriend, a young and beautifully vivacious woman named Jean. In the four months since we first met, Jean and I had fallen deeply in love with each other. One of the many reasons why, was that our senses of humor were a perfect match for each other, and we loved to make each other laugh.

Look What I Caught Mom!

Look what I caught, Mom! Can I keep her?

We sat at the kitchen table, exchanging spontaneous quips and one liners, and we laughed happily together. The sound of Jean’s laughter was musical and magical for me, and her laughter filled my heart with joy.

Jean got up from the table to get her second cup of coffee, while I admired the pleasing sight of her shape from behind. Then in one horrible instant, Jean suddenly collapsed, falling down on the kitchen floor unconscious. I jumped up from the table and in less than a second I was kneeling down at her side, and feeling her neck for a pulse that I couldn’t find. I called out her name increasingly louder, but she didn’t respond.

Worst of all, Jean’s eyes were open but her eyes had no light in them, and she looked like she was gone. I grabbed her by the shoulders and yelled in her face at the top of my lungs, YOU COME BACK TO ME JEAN!!! YOU COME BACK RIGHT NOW!!!

I was one blink of an eye away from starting CPR on Jean, when suddenly she did come back to me! It turns out that Jean had only fainted. I rushed her to the hospital anyway, but a thorough medical examination found nothing wrong with her, and nothing like that has ever happened to her again, in 25 years.

This post was inspired by another post from Susie Lindau: Get Your Red On and Get Recognized On the Wild Ride

Please read it, and then do what your heart tells you to do…


Posted in Personal | Tagged , , , , , , , , | 6 Comments

We Need to Talk…

My friends and followers here at Word Play? We need to talk… Because there’s definitely a chill in the air these days, and I don’t mean the cold weather that recently froze the Northeastern U.S. and other parts of the country. When I write a post about my father’s memorial service, Celebrating the Life and Memory of John Sheridan Sr. and it gets only nine views and five comments, well obviously something is wrong.

I also know that when I write a post about an experience from my early childhood, called Trapped On My Tricycle! that includes a photo of a cute little 3 year old boy on his tricycle, and it gets only two comments from my followers, but 369 page views… that there’s something else seriously wrong, and there’s a lot of deeply disturbed and very sick people out there in cyberspace. The high number of page views for my “tricycle” post had me totally baffled and at a loss to explain, until late last night… when I had a sudden and awful revelation that made it clear to me, who the “people” really are, who gave that post so many views. It was enough to turn my stomach.

But enough on that, and back to talking about us, my Word Play followers and friends… I do know what is wrong with us, and the fault is all mine, so I’m placing the blame where it belongs, right on my own shoulders. One of my all time favorite advertisements was from a dental practice, and the ad slogan was “Ignore your teeth and they’ll go away.” Too true…

It’s also true that if you ignore your blogging friends, well, they’ll go away too. And I’ve been ignoring many of my blogging friends, by not reading or commenting on your posts, so it’s my fault when you no longer read and comment on my posts.

Then in addition to that, I write posts like I Hate Raking Leaves! But I Love “Pairs Sex Racing” that I know in advance, the vast majority of my readership won’t like, and may be offended by it instead. But I liked that post when I wrote it, and I still like it right now.

This may sound overly grandiose, but the folk music purists hated it when Dylan decided to play loud electric Rock ‘n Roll, and I admire Dylan for not caring, and going ahead with what he wanted to do, in spite of how much his original followers hated it. Dylan went on to create some of his greatest music, because he was willing to leave his folk music purist audience behind, if they didn’t want to follow him in a new direction.

And no, I don’t think I’m on the level of Dylan, and I don’t have delusions of grandeur. I just admire artists and entertainers who aren’t perpetual crowd pleasers, and who are willing to take chances by doing what they really want to do, instead of what everyone else expects them to do.

But there is one post that I am sincerely sorry for, and it’s the one I posted before this one, When Two Blogs Become As One… It should have never been posted here on Word Play, or anywhere else online, because it’s a massive over share, and I should have known better than to go public with it.

I also know that it was potentially offensive to many of my Word Play readers (assuming you even read it) in a variety of ways, and here’s a quick run down of ways in which it was offensive.

1. The majority of my readership here on Word Play are middle aged married women with adolescent or young adult children. I’m sure that you were just impressed as hell with me, for posting a photo of myself at 17 years old, with my 16 year old girlfriend kissing me on a bed, while she was nude below the waist. My only defense is that Colleen and I were both Art majors in high school, and she was a willing participant who loved that photograph when she saw the print. She also would have no problem with me posting it online, since her true identity is 100% protected, and the image is very subtle, visually revealing very little – even though the meaning of the image is very direct.

2. My readership here does not want to read a history of my pre 1987 love life. Even more so, when I describe how I developed an emotional aversion to girls and young women who were probably very similar to who you were, when you were that age… and I left girls like you behind, to chase sexually promiscuous bad girls instead.

3. I’m sure that you identified with my wife, and sympathized with her, as you thought about how much you’d hate it, if your own husband posted online about his beautiful and sexy ex-girlfriends, and even included (non nude) photo portraits of them. My wife Jean is not very happy with me about that either, which is why the post is probably going to be deleted soon.

4. You do not want to read posts about my other blog on WP that has posts with graphically erotic content. I can promise you right now, that after today, you never will read anything again about my erotica blog here on this blog.

The last thing I’ll say about that post, is that it was 100% sincere and heartfelt, as an exploration of a very long phase of my life, in which I suffered from a lot of emotional pain, which I made worse with my own bad choices and self destructive behavior. But I still understand that you don’t want to read about it, and I don’t hold that against you. So I am sincerely sorry for posting it, and there will be no more posts like it here on Word Play again.

Peace… my WP friends. I know what’s wrong here, and I am going to fix it, by having more respect for your sensibilities and feelings, and I’m going to do the best I can, to be more consistent about reading your posts, and commenting on your posts, without hi-jacking them, or writing comments that are ridiculously long. I really like and respect all of you, and I know that I’ve been doing a piss poor job of letting you know that’s true. But not anymore… not after today.

I am Sorry!


Posted in Personal | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , | 10 Comments

When Two Blogs Become As One…

Some of you may recall that back in the first week of this past December, I wrote a post called “The Devil May Care, But I Definitely Don’t”. In that post, I mentioned that I had started a new blog on WordPress a month earlier, for the purpose of writing erotic short stories and poetry, and also for posting my own original erotic photography.

I also mentioned that I had no intention of promoting my new blog here on Word Play, or linking to it, because I felt that my readership for Word Play would be the wrong audience for my erotic writing and photography. My own personal opinion, which I know is subjective, is that while my writing and photography on the new blog is genuinely erotic, I think that the content is also more sexually graphic than some of my readers who follow Word Play might appreciate, and there’s a real possibility that my readers here would be offended by it.

I still feel it wouldn’t be wise for me to promote my erotic blog here, so again, I won’t be revealing the name of the blog or linking to it here.

So then why am I mentioning the other blog here at all?

I guess that it’s hard for me to not mention it, when it’s been on my mind a lot today, after my most recent erotic post; a photo show of my erotic photography that I posted last night, which was so well received both last night and again today, by other WordPress erotic bloggers.

Here’s a few of my photographs that are more erotically subtle than sexually graphic…



Nude Lovers 7



But it goes much deeper than that, for me… I put a lot of work into selecting and posting my erotic photography, and while doing that, I also did a lot of reflection on the history of my love life, which wasn’t always as happy as it became, after I was fortunate enough to meet my wife Jean, in August of 1987.

This reflection on the less happier years of my love life, gave me some new insight on why things happened the way they did, and why some of my former love relationships were lacking in what both I and my former lovers needed from those relationships, and from each other.

The history of my adult love life began early for me, in 1973 when I was 17 years old, with a 16 year old girl named Colleen. Colleen and I both fell deeply in love, and with a level of complex emotional intensity far beyond our teenage years. Despite our very young ages, Colleen and I didn’t just have sex – we taught each other our first real lessons in how to make love, in a way that was genuinely loving, beyond just sexual attraction, excitement, and selfish physical gratification.


Colleen and I together in 1973. Photo taken by me, using a 35 mm film SLR camera mounted on a tripod, with the shutter set on time delay.

But our love story ended after only one year, when the cruelty of Fate separated us forever, and crushed our hearts.

What happened to end Colleen and I? Her father was a business executive for a large corporation based in Holland, and he took a higher paying position with his company… in Holland. He also took his family with him to live in Holland, and took Colleen away from me forever.

It took me a year to get over the heartbreak of losing Colleen, and at 17 years old, I was binge drinking every weekend, and smoking too much Marijuana for the health and well being of my still developing adolescent brain. While I didn’t consciously know it at the time, I became subconsciously scared of loving another girl or young woman as much as I had loved Colleen. I was scared of losing another lover as truly wonderful as Colleen was for me, and going through that kind of severely excruciating heartache again.

But I still wanted and needed a girlfriend, so I didn’t do what some guys do when their hearts get crushed – I didn’t avoid getting involved in relationships with girls or young women. Instead, without fully realizing what I was doing, or why I was doing it, I avoided the girls and young women who reminded me of Colleen – not just the ones who looked something like her, or who had personality traits somewhat similar to hers, but I avoided getting involved with the girls and young women who were loving and compassionate people.

Because somewhere in my wounded psyche, my emotions were telling me that falling in love with loving and compassionate women, meant being vulnerable to getting badly hurt again, and that was a risk I just didn’t want to take.

Instead, I started chasing the bad girls, who had nothing in common with Colleen, except for their willingness to have sex with me. But with one major difference… Most of the girls and young women I got involved with, after I lost Colleen, understood very little about making love, and they didn’t seem to really care, or want to learn more about it. But they sure did know how to fuck… which was fine with me, since making love meant being vulnerable to the risk of getting my heart broken again.

But my emotions were in a state of internal conflict, because while I thought that having lots of sex was great, I still felt like something that I really needed was missing. I didn’t realize just how much I missed the joy of making love, in the way that Colleen and I had experienced together, when we were teaching each other how to make love, and how to really love each other. I didn’t understand that regaining that joy was worth risking a broken heart again, because even if I had sex every night and day, sex without love could never replace the true joy and healing comfort of making love, while sincerely loving someone and being loved in return.



So I continued to avoid the women who were capable of loving me, and chase the bad girls who loved to fuck, and I ended up getting hurt again anyway, when some of the bad girls fucked me over. But that was my failing, because I had made the wrong choices when I chose to be with them, in the misguided belief that they were the safer choices for me.

In the years since then, I’ve often thought about how there are two popular mythologies that have contributed a great deal to the unhappiness of both men and women in their love lives, and also to their lack of understanding of each other, in a way that drives them apart and causes many men and women to hurt each other, instead of loving each other.

Romance novels promote the myth that bad boys are so much hotter than those boring nice guys, that the bad boys are worth whatever trouble they cause the girls and young women who are attractive enough to get a hot and sexy bad boy’s attention, and then “catch” him. Romance novels also promote the female fantasy that a good woman can change her bad boy, by getting him to give up being bad in the really bad ways, while still being very good, in that bad way she finds so attractive and exciting about him, to begin with.

Obviously, I know that many women don’t buy into this romance novel mythology, but a lot of women have, and it didn’t go well for them.

Playboy promotes the myth for men, that young women who are so perfectly beautiful and astoundingly sexy, that they can disrupt traffic just by swaying their hips and bouncing their large breasts as they stroll down the street, are always what a real man really wants in a woman. Not some far less impressive looking female who’s true beauty shines out from deep within her… No not her! She’ll just set a guy up for wise ass jokes from his friends, when they ask him which animal shelter kennel he rescued her from.

No, what the real man who reads Playboy really wants, is that smokin’ hot and sexy babe, even if her “beauty” exists only as deep and genuinely real as the impossibly perfect airbrushed skin of a Playboy Playmate centerfold photograph. Or even if she has the IQ of a fence post. I mean, cummon guys! Have you ever had great sex from sticking your dick inside a woman’s ear and screwing her brain? Of course not! So who cares if she can think? Even if they’re hot, the smart ones are just more trouble for a guy, because they’re harder to fool, and who needs that kind of extra aggravation, when women are such a pain in the ass to begin with?

While it’s true that I can’t blame either Hugh Hefner or Nora Roberts for the heartache of losing Colleen, I can absolutely blame Hefner for much of what I suffered from one woman in particular, who I first met when I was 19 years old.

Her name was “Delilah” and she looked like a Playboy Playmate centerfold come to life, that first night when she walked into my life, which would never be the same again. I was the perfect mark for “Delilah” twice over, because she was absolutely nothing like Colleen, so she didn’t cause my subconscious to fear her as the source of more heartbreak. So instead of running away from her, I aggressively chased her! Because back when I was 19, I was the man who read Playboy, and Hef had convinced me that a woman like “Delilah” was my ideal woman.

So now, let’s all meet Delilah…


Yes, that’s really her, and yes, I took the photograph. Which I edited out below her bust line before posting her photo here, because the original photo shows all of Delilah, without clothes and nothing left to the imagination. 38 DD x 25 x 36 is all anyone’s imagination needs to know about the rest of Delilah, not shown here.

But I’d be nothing more than a liar if I tried to turn Delilah into a total villain here, and then I made myself look like this great guy who was never at fault during the worst of our very stormy relationship. I’d also be dishonest if I didn’t admit that Delilah was some of the best of times as well as the worst of times in my life, and in unforgettable ways, both incredibly good and equally bad.

So I’m going to take the high road here, and just say that Delilah left me with more emotional scars than I had when we first met. She was my female version of the romance novel hot ‘n sexy bad boy, and I was the male version of the romance novel “good woman” who was sexually blinded by my bad girl, enough to delude myself into believing that I could change her. I couldn’t change her, and enough said.

Did I learn anything from my failed relationship with Delilah? Nope… I had the perfect opportunity to get involved in a new relationship with a young woman who had a bright and sunny disposition, and who was far more like Colleen, than she was like Delilah. She and I were on the edge of getting serious about each other, but we never made it… Why?

Here’s why.

N 3B

I met Natasha, and she was far more beautiful in real life, than in these poor quality pictures that were taken badly by a drunken friend, with a cheap point and shoot camera. But these photos are a couple of the few that I still have of Natasha. I was quite simply blown away by her…

N 4 B

Enough that I wanted to marry her, and spend the rest of my life with her, instead of only the two years that we had together, before it was over.

Natasha was a vast improvement over Delilah. She was not only beautiful; she also had a down to earth friendly and outgoing personality, and she had a great sense of humor. I truly loved her, but she told me early in our relationship, that she didn’t want to get involved in a serious relationship with any guy at that time in her life. I refused to accept that, and once again, I thought I could change her into who I wanted her to be, instead of who she really was. So after a month less than two years together, Natasha decided to break things off with me, completely and permanently.

I guess that it’s not only women who make bad choices similar to romance novel mythology, based upon a willful denial of the reality that is right there in front of their faces. Sometimes guys do it too, and the history of my love life is proof of that.

But at least I finally came to my senses, and I got it right in 1987, when I had enough sense to hold onto this woman, and not screw things up. I knew that she was the right woman for me, just as surely as I knew that I was alive, and she felt the same way about me.

True Joy

And of all the women I was involved with, since I lost my first true Love back in 1973, she was the most like Colleen – only far better… and even better, I didn’t feel like I needed to run away from her.

A1B  My wife Jean and I

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