Feeling Left Behind and Out in the Cold? This One’s for You.

This post is for all the people out there, who for whatever reason, have been left behind by Christmas Eve tonight and the whole Christmas – Holiday Season trip in general. I absolutely understand, because in my own way, I am one of you…

In the last year and 24 days, I’ve written 138 posts here on WordPress, and here is a guide to some of the ones that I think you might enjoy tonight.

Thank Gawd It’s OVER!!!

Take heart, all ye who are feeling cruelly oppressed and depressed by the Holiday Season! Because just as it came to an end last year, this Holiday Season will soon be over too!

Adventures in Chat – Part Two “Much Better Than Just Dancin’ with Myself”

This is raunchy adult humor, so if you are offended by that sort of thing, then please skip this one. Otherwise, I hope you enjoy this true story, which is proof that my wife may be one of the most patient women on the planet, for being okay with me posting this one…

I Was a Child Groom

Not raunchy at all, but a very short and sweet post about the innocence of early childhood.

Ball Room Dancing Disaster!!!

A PG rated humorous take on the embarrassments of early male adolescence.

Embarassing Accident!

A humorous crowd pleaser that most people will enjoy, without being offended by it.

Actual Newspaper Headlines

Tired and worn down by all the Holiday Season Bullcrap? Then read this one, because there is NO mental heavy lifting required here.

Joyously Intimate Revelation

My shortest WordPress post ever! And those of you who are familiar with this blog, know that this is nothing short of miraculous!!! Lol :-) BUT… it’s also very erotic… in a genuinely heartfelt way, without any attempt to be funny.

Sugar Plump Fairy

A humorous sight gag from last year’s Holiday Season.

Viagra For Women

Guys? You might want to take a pass on this one… Gals? This one is most definitely for you! Lol ;-)

Man Drinks Extra Strength 5 Hour Energy Shot – Writes Hyperactive and Annoying Post on WordPress

Are you a woman who may have wondered what it’s really like to live with me? Well then read this, and you won’t wonder anymore, because you will know without a second thought ever again, that you’d never want to live with me!!! ;-) And yes, please feel free to go ahead and tell me that you already came to that conclusion a long time ago, because I won’t be the least bit surprised, or offended! Lol :-)

Dissing V-Day in a Humorous Way

A humorous antidote for that other holiday that often leads the league in bumming people out…

Most Embarrassing First Date

Another almost guaranteed to tickle the funny bone of the masses, humorous crowd pleaser – but don’t thank me, thank Jay Leno. But instead of thanking me or Jay, maybe you could send me 1/100th of Jay’s annual income. What’s that? You say that I’m guaranteed to get payment in full, on the 12th of Never? No problem… I’m used to it! Lol

The 30 Day Challenge

My rather eccentric answer to “tell us all about yourself” chain letter style blog posts…

I’m OVERCAFFEINATED!!!!!!!

What happens when a guy drinks enough coffee to give an elephant a serious case of the jitters??? Read this one and find out!

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Well, that’s 14 posts, which is more than enough, and written by a guy for whom too much has never been enough! (with a history of the mixed results of a lifetime lived according to this somewhat questionable philosophy… lol)

Anyway, I hope that you enjoyed it or at least parts of it, because my intent here is a sincere attempt to cheer up those of you who could use it tonight and tomorrow, and the rest of the way, until the heartbreak and horror of the 2012 Holiday Season is over!!! Good night and I hope you all find some happiness in humor, whether here, or anywhere else you can find it.

 

Posted in Humor, Personal | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 9 Comments

OH NO!!! The Rolling Uglies Are Back AGAIN!!!

As some of you may know, a certain Rock ‘n Roll band of geriatrics who have been around since 1962, are back on tour again now in late 2012. These old geezers have been doing this for 50 years now, which is proof that The Rolling Stones will continue to get up on stage and play as long as they can still breathe, and lots of people will still pay expensive ticket prices to go see them.

I have a love/hate relationship with the Stones. At various times, the Stones have been the best of times and the worst of times for me, to paraphrase another English guy Charles Dickens, who if he was alive today, he would be 200 years old. Which is only slightly older than Jagger and Richards are. Or at least Mick and Keith look like they could be 200 years old these days.

Okay, now maybe that’s a slight exaggeration, but check out the following:

Jagger Prime2

Mick Jagger in his prime, circa 1970.

And Jagger now, in 2012.

Fossilized

 

Keith Richards in 1969

keith 1969ab

My wife Jean admitted to having quite a crush on Keith, back in the day.

But maybe not so much now…

Keith 2012

 

Dickens2

Charles Dickens in 1868.

Sorry Mick & Keith, but Dickens at around your age looked a hell of a lot better than you do these days.

But since it’s not very nice for a 56 year old young guy like me to be so mean to the elderly, I will (temporarily) stop bashing the Stones for looking like fossilized stones… The following video is an example of one of the better times during my love/hate relationship with The Rolling Uglies, who long ago used to represent that “a rolling stone gathers no moss” but now in 2012, Jagger’s face gathers more wrinkles than an old man’s scrotum.

Those of you who aren’t Stones fans can skip all the videos here, and just read the post. Or go read someone else’s post… That’s cool with me, and hey, no hard feelings! :-)

The song in the video “Live With Me” is the first track on a tape I made at around 2:00 AM on a very early morning after a long and late night of romance with Lucy in the Skies with Diamonds, in 1978. I woke up the next day at around 2:00 in the afternoon, and I had completely forgotten about making the tape, until I found it in my tape deck. When I played it, I was delighted to discover that while in my very altered state of consciousness the night before, I had put together a great mix of some of my all time favorite Stones tunes, by recording them in a random but very effective selection from my extensive collection of Rolling Stones vinyl LPs.

 

“Live with Me” was followed on my tape by “Let it Bleed”

 

My very first memory of hearing The Rolling Stones was in 1965, when “(I Can’t Get No) Satisfaction” was a big hit. The song was also very controversial at the time, because of lyrics such as:

“I can’t get no satisfaction
I can’t get no girl reaction…

And I’m tryin’ to make some girl
Who tells me baby better come back later next week
Cause you see I’m on a losing streak
I can’t get no, oh no, no, no!…”

Compared to some of the truly obscene song lyrics of today, it’s almost hard to imagine that back in 1965, lots of parents were really up in arms about lyrics like “I can’t get no girl reaction… And I’m tryin’ to make some girl…”  My, how times have changed!

But although I liked “Satisfaction”, the first Stones song to really grab me by the ears and shake me with a major rush of adrenalin, was “The Last Time” which was also a big hit in 1965.

 

If you listen to nothing else in this entire post, please listen to this public service announcement. It’s vitally important, and people’s lives literally depend upon this message being heard, and then acted upon as soon as possible.

 

While searching for a video of “The Last Time” I had no idea that I was going to find this message, but when I did, I had to include it here.

When I was 14 years old, there was another Stones song I vividly remember being so thrilling that it gave me chills while hearing it, even though I’d heard it many times before. It was “Sympathy for the Devil” - on the night that I got to tag along with my 19 year old brother and his friends for a Saturday night adventure that literally included sex, drugs and Rock ‘n Roll for all of us…

We were listening to the recording studio version, but however much my 14 year old adolescent excitement was jacked up to a fever pitch while hearing it that night, in the years since, I’ve come to like the live version the Stones performed in 1969 at Madison Square Garden in NYC much better. It features some great guitar work from Keith Richards and Mick Taylor on a night when they were both really hot!

 

So during my love/hate relationship with The Rolling Stones, what has been the down side for me?

The Stones have an infamous history of playing some truly horrible live shows, mostly back in the mid to late 1970s. There were nights when Mick & Keith were both guilty of showing up for a concert so drunk and drugged out of their skulls, that when they tried to play the great Rock ‘n Roll they were famous for, they failed spectacularly. When their seriously impaired condition was combined with no attempt to do any pre-show sound checks or proper mixing, the Stones sounded so bad that sometimes it was hard to recognize what songs they were attempting to play.

What pissed me off even more, was that Jagger made it obvious by things he said publicly, that he really didn’t give a fuck what anyone thought of the worst of their shows. He acted like it was still a great privilege for people to see him “perform” no matter how bad his performance was.

This was frustrating as hell for people like me, who knew just how good the Stones could really be, on a night when they decided to show up and play the great live music they were truly capable of, when they weren’t out of their heads, and they made the effort to perform at their very best. Check out this video of the Stones live in 1972, playing “Love in Vain.”

 

But in 1978 I was still delighted when the Stones released their album “Some Girls” because I thought it was some of their best music in years, and I loved it. But I did NOT love it at all, when The Rolling Stones went on tour in 1978, and suddenly decided to jack their ticket prices up to $75.00 a ticket for seating in huge arena Rock venues. This was at a time when ticket prices cost $20.00 or less to see and hear some of the greatest Rock bands and solo performers to ever perform live in concert.

I thought that the sky rocketing prices for getting into a Stones concert in 1978 was nothing less than disgusting and greedy price gouging, and I refused to pay $75.00 for a ticket to a Stones show. But I guess that I must have been one of the few people to boycott the Stones, because the entire 1978 “Some Girls” arena Rock tour sold out, down to the very last available seat.

Even worse, the Stones also sold out again as musicians, when no less than “Rolling Stone” magazine reported that more than a few of the Stones’ performances in 1978 weren’t very good. In fact, they sucked so bad in Dallas, that the huge crowd who paid $75.00 a head to get in to see The Rolling Stones, starting booing them when the Stones sounded like shit.

Jagger’s response was to kick the “Rolling Stone” reporter off the tour, for publicly ratting out his band for their shameful shows, and then Mick threatened to sue “Rolling Stone” for using his band’s name. Which came to nothing when “Rolling Stone” was quick to remind Jagger it was common knowledge that the original founder of the Stones, Brian Jones, named the band after a song by Blues great Muddy Waters, called “Rollin’ Stone”, that was recorded back in 1948.

But the final insult and outrage for people like me, came when almost all of the big name Rock bands and performers soon began charging $75.00 and up for tickets to their concerts, after seeing the massive financial success of the “Some Girls” tour, even though it was frequently an artistic failure.

Which is why I will always have a love/hate relationship with The Rolling Stones, and however much I love some of Jagger’s best efforts, I will never like Mick the little prick for his overblown and arrogantly huge ego, and his often petulantly childish and obnoxious personality. And why I will continue to have fun at Jagger’s expense, by making fun of his increasingly ancient looking face…

 

Jagger young

Jagger way back when…

 

Mick Jagger

Jagger fossilized…

I wonder if he’s feeling any sympathy for the devil, now that time is no longer on his side, and he really can’t get no satisfaction, cause his looks have been shattered, and some girls no longer want to start him up like they used to. Many women don’t miss him, and he must feel like yesterday’s papers when all his love is in vain. It’s enough to make a grown man cry, and not for the last time, now that Jagger looks so much older, and much better with his face hidden under cover of the night.

(There are references to ten different Stones songs in the paragraph above.)

But… now that I’ve got that little rant out of my system, there’s still all that great Stones music that I still love to listen to, to this very day. Also on the plus side, I finally ended my boycott of Stones ticket prices in 1990 for the “Steel Wheels” tour and I was rewarded when I saw and heard The Rolling Stones play one of the ultimately best concerts of my entire life. Just don’t ask me what I paid for a pair of seats, because I’m not tellin’, except to say that it was a hell of a lot more than $75.00 a seat! But after swallowing hard, when I put that very large dollar amount on my credit card, it was worth it… BIG time!

I’m suddenly reminded of a very bad day I was having at work, when everything was going wrong, and even my favorite Rock radio station was playing an endless stream of crap almost all morning long. Until… suddenly the DJ played this song, and the opening electric guitar riff instantly felt like my blessed salvation from oncoming insanity, as it sliced right through all the bullshit that was played before, and vaporized it all away into nothingness…

 

The Rolling Stones… sometimes I can’t live with them, but I’d rather not live without them. I know that there’s a chance I will live long enough to see the day when Mick, Keith, Charlie Watts and Ronnie Wood no longer play any more live shows, or record any new music. But even when that day comes, I’ll still have the best of 50 years worth of some of the greatest Rock ‘n Roll ever played, and I’ll keep on listening to it, when I’m in the mood to hear it.

Because I know… it’s only Rock ‘n Roll… But I like it, like it, Yes I do!

 

 

Posted in Adventure, Humor, Personal | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 7 Comments

The Heartbreak and Horror of Christmas

I’ve been lost in my annual “Oh My God! It’s the Holiday Season!” depression again, as the heartbreak and horror of Christmas draws near. I’ve been feeling too down and out to write a post of my own, or to read anyone else’s posts here on WordPress for 10 days now.

But today, I just happened to log onto WP and when I looked at my most recent search terms, I saw this one:

“the female the Lord has for me to marry naked”

That isn’t just a search term, that’s a prayer of desperation from some poor love lorn guy who is so sad and lonely, that he has been reduced to searching Google for a sign from the Lord, that somewhere out there, there really is a female just for him, that he can marry and be naked with. I really feel sorry for the guy, and I sincerely hope that his prayer is answered soon, and his Google search for love and naked marriage is successful.

Hey, at least his intentions are honorable, since he made it clear that he wants to marry the female the Lord has for him to be naked with, instead of just wanting to… well, you know what most guys want…

Although when a guy asks the Lord for help to find his very own female who is willing to get naked with him, it’s probably a good idea for him to mention to the Almighty, his intention to marry his female as soon as God helps him find her, and she is willing to say “I do”. I would also suggest that he might want to let the Lord know that he is willing to wait until after the wedding, before getting his female naked… since reading the Bible reveals that God is impressed with that sort of thing, and it might get Him in a more helpful mood to help the guy find his female sooner rather than a lot later. Unless the guy is a devout Unitarian nudist and literally planning on marrying his female naked at an all nude Unitarian wedding. God seems to like the Unitarians well enough, even with their often unconventional ideas about how worship Him, so I think that He would be okay with that.

Which actually makes a lot sense when you think about how much money this would save by not blowing a lot of cash on a wedding gown, tuxedos, and those often gawd awful, never to see the light of day again bridesmaid dresses!

nude wedding use                      Maybe not as crazy an idea as it first may seem, but in fact, very cost effective. 

But this online cry of desperation from some 21st century Adam for the Lord to help him find his very own Eve, became the genesis of my realization today that I am a very fortunate man in some vitally important ways. Even if I do suffer a lot from depression during the Holiday Season…

It happens to me every year, and I wish that wasn’t true, but it’s been my reality for many years now.

ashton_santa3

Me at age three – Christmas, 1959

Okay, my heartbreak and horror of Christmas syndrome didn’t start that early for me, but after it began later in my adult life, it has never stopped since.

Actually, the kid in that photo looks a lot like me at age three, on Christmas Eve of 1959, when Dad was changing a burned out bulb on the lowest string of lights on our Christmas tree. Fascinated by everything my Dad did, I watched his every move. So when he moved away from the empty light socket to reach for another bulb, in less than 5 seconds I reached for the lowest hanging string of lights, and impulsively stuck my little index finger into the empty light socket. I shrieked my little head off as 120 volts of electrical current instantly zapped my finger with a jolt of painful sensation that fired straight up to the pain nerve receptors in my brain, and caused my eyes to go wider than a pair of golf balls as my face turned almost as red as the Christmas light my Dad was trying to replace!

But this early childhood experience has nothing to do my current day dread of Christmas, and it wasn’t nearly as bad as the time during the previous Summer when I “patted” the burner on the kitchen stove, because I really liked that very pretty bright orange glowing color. I screamed louder than an air raid siren, and some of my mother’s very pretty orange red hair instantly turned grey. All of Mom’s pretty orange red hair turned prematurely grey by the time I was ten, and both of my Aunts often said that I was a “difficult” child. But I think that my two older brothers also deserve some of the credit, whatever the rest of my family has to say about it.

 

grayhair2

Just like many kids, I was really into the whole Christmas trip from an early age. Why not? I had a relatively happy childhood, and for Christmas, I had all the benefits and none of the responsibilities. All I knew was that on Christmas morning, I would wake up to a bunch of colorfully wrapped presents under the Christmas tree, with toys inside for me! What kid wouldn’t love that?

Of course, I would then have to defend my Christmas toys from my two older and bigger brothers, who believed in Natural Selection. Since they were both bigger and stronger than me, my brothers believed it was their natural right to select the best of my Christmas toys and take them away from me.

But I still always fought back, and the resulting Christmas morning riot in our living room had to be quickly and effectively stopped by Dad, who didn’t want a repeat of that Christmas morning when one of our brawls knocked over the Christmas tree, breaking a nearby window when my biggest brother fell through it, and the Christmas tree lights shorted out in a shower of sparks that set the curtains on fire.

But Dad was a very tough man, and all of his hair didn’t turn prematurely grey until all three of us were old enough to drive.

Even back when I was 16 years old, I understood how difficult it was for both of my parents to raise three boys like me and my brothers. So for Christmas in 1972, I got both Mom & Dad very special matching gifts as an expression of my sincere gratitude.

 

red again2   Just Men

It was also a sincere expression of my 16 year old wise assitude as well…

 

E 3                                                          Me at 14 years old in 1970 and still enjoying Christmas.

Sometimes I think that the combined childhood and adolescent history of my brothers and I would make a very compelling argument for more cautious family planning, and my own history in particular, should be a serious warning for parents to not risk tossing the chromosomal DNA dice a third time, after getting two very difficult boys, with the hopes of getting a girl. Instead of getting the much hoped for daughter, my parents got a third son who was even more difficult than the two preceding boys.

As soon as I was old enough to walk, I had the climbing ability of a chimpanzee, and there was no such thing as something safely out of my reach. My mother knew that the only way to keep me away from dangerous things was to hide them from me, where I could never find them. Which still didn’t stop me from riding my tricycle down a full flight of stairs and crashing my head hard on the concrete floor of our basement. But… in spite of my Mom’s horror and all her most fervent prayers, I lived… and I made a complete recovery, despite what some of my relatives say, because my head injury had nothing to do with anything, since I was born that way to begin with.

Trike

Picture of me before the accident…

 

umax450                                Picture of me after the accident.

I think I turned out just fine, with no permanent damage done to my head. Or at least not to my little head… Lol ;-)

No, instead, my little head did some permanent damage when I was 22 years old and I accidentally impregnated my girlfriend, who became my first wife, and our union produced the daughter that my mother fervently hoped for, but never got to have. My first wife became my ex-wife six years later, but I hold no blame against her since I know that our faults were equally to blame for the failure of our marriage.

1982 My first wife and my little girl in 1982, when life was still good for us as a couple, and as a family.

Hey Mom? In spite of what I’ve heard you say so many times, I have proof from my own parental experience that girls are not easier than boys. Girls just present a whole range of different problems than boys do. Little girls really are full of sugar and spice and everything nice… until they turn 13 and then all hell breaks loose!

Which doesn’t mean that I don’t love my little girl dearly, who now at age 32, has grown into a fine young woman, in spite of inheriting or learning by example many of both her mother’s and my own most “difficult” personality traits. This is one of many reasons why I’m all the more proud of the mature and well adjusted young woman my daughter has become, and also proof that she got some of our better traits as well.

So why do I get a severe case of the Holiday Season down and out blues every year, until the heartbreak and horror of Christmas is safely behind us once again for another year?

I do have my reasons, and trust me when I say that you don’t want know, because if I told you, I know that you’d understand all too well why this time of year always gets me down and out.

So rather than me spreading my holiday season blues, when I know lots of other people suffer from the same problem just as much as I do, and some folks have it far worse… let me leave you with something positive instead.

Man, I really hope this works… And of course it’s not working, cause “tis the effing season!” But let me try again…

And over half an hour later, I think it works!

In any case, Happy Holidays to all you WordPressers, and a very Merry Christmas to all of you who celebrate it! :-)

Click on this to play, and hopefully it will work for you!

The Snowdog

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Posted in Humor, Personal | Tagged , , , , , | 9 Comments

I Hate Raking Leaves! But I Love “Pairs Sex Racing”

I’m sitting here thinking about all the posts from my favorite bloggers I haven’t read yet, that are piling up faster than falling leaves in my backyard in Autumn. So why am I writing this post instead of catching up on reading and commenting on your posts? That’s an excellent question, and I do have an answer.

It’s because I hate raking leaves in Autumn, and I would rather do just about anything else than rake up leaves into big piles and bag them!

Wait a minute… falling leaves piling up in my backyard was only just an analogy I used, to describe how much the unread blog posts from my favorite bloggers have piled up. Your unread blog posts are not really fallen leaves in my backyard, so I don’t have to rake them and bag them up! I only need to read them, and not rake them!

I guess I was just confused, but now that I’ve got the tangled up fish line of neural pathways in my brain straightened out, this changes everything!

Now I can stop writing this post, and start reading and commenting on your posts! I’m so glad we got this issue resolved!!!

In fact, now that I know I don’t have to do any insufferably boring and mind numbing raking of leaves for what seems like forever, and all I need to do is catch up with reading and commenting on your posts… I’m so happy that I’m going to spend this entire week not posting, but reading and commenting instead, until I catch up on all of your unread posts!

Thank you all so much for not making me rake leaves, and I love all of you for it! Each and every one of you!!!

Thank you! Thank you!! Thank you!!!

Wow… I don’t think I’ve felt this so incredibly elated, since my girlfriend and I won that race back in 1975!

What race was that, you may wonder? Well I’ve got a couple pictures of that race, which I have kept and treasured for over 37 years now. So rather than trying to explain what kind of race it was, let me just show you the pictures of the race instead.

*************************************

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The 70s

Just before the start of the race. My girlfriend and I are the second team to the left of the first lane in the foreground.

The 70s2

She and I practiced every day, three times a day, for six weeks before the day of the race, and we were ready to give it our very best effort. We were so fast and far ahead, that the race wasn’t even close! We blew our competition away, leaving them with nothing but grass stained knees and butts to show for it.

Some of you may have never realized that sex can be an organized and highly competitive sport, since it’s highly unlikely you’ve ever seen this kind of sports competition at your local high school. Although colleges with fraternities could be another story… Those frat boys and the girls who party with them will do just about anything when they get really drunk!

I was part of an effort to make “Pairs Sex Racing” an Olympic sport, but the International Olympic Committee failed to see my vision, and that was their loss, as well as the loss of the entire world, when denied the thrilling excitement, the suspenseful drama, as well as the graceful beauty of “Pairs Sex Racing”.

Olympicspairs sex racing2

Fools! You could have made a fortune in television advertising revenue!!!

 

Posted in Humor | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 13 Comments

Mission Impossible – Or is It?

I’m trying to post from my mother’s PC… Getting my mother’s PC to do almost anything right, is like expecting a minor miracle.

And getting it to do three things right, all at the same time, is like expecting Gov. Rick Perry of Texas to remember all three things he’s trying to name during a debate! The odds are not good…

But since I’m stuck here with no other option, I’m going to try and do the impossible anyway. Because I’m stubborn, and probably stupidly stubborn. Anyway here goes:

 

ATT00037

This article must be about the literacy program for newspaper journalists and editors. But hey, the program is showing improvement! Just yesterday, they finally learned to spell Utah correctly!

 

ATT00040

I didn’t think that women called it that… and how can she do it with both hands up in the air? I’m confused.

 

ATT00043

And in other news, bugs walking around with legs are walking bugs. I guess wonders never cease. I also wonder how some people ever got jobs writing for newspapers.

 

ATT00046

Deal with it, puny little Republican white guys!!! Woody Allen was right when he said that “It’s men that really suffer from penis envy.” Except he didn’t add that penis envy is much worse for tiny pin prick dicked GOP white men!!!

 

ATT00049

And the nearest Boys’ schools are very excited!!!

 

ATT00052

Since this writer stumbled over the obstacle she wrote about, I guess she should know… Or maybe it was her editor. (This came from The Washington Post?!) Lol

 

ATT00061

Funny! :-) But kinda scary too, because this was a quote from a Republican state senator from Colorado Springs, who is a woman! I wonder if she’s related to Michele Bachmann?

 

ATT00073

Now this is truly surprising! Even shocking!!! I had no idea! Maybe they mean homicide victims questioned by police during seances.

 

ATT00079

Guess I’ll be drinking orange juice from now on…

 

ATT00070

And people in Sacramento had such high hopes when they had that unusually cold weather… What a shame!

ATT00067

Well at least they picked the people who are the most qualified to study this issue. But will they remember any of their conclusions?

 

ATT00088

Makes me glad that I don’t live in that city, and for more reasons than one! It’s very stinky and the people are stupid!

 

 

ATT00091

Since apparently the study was in Boston, it was probably done by The Archdiocese of Boston, and I’m sure The Pope is pleased, because you can never have too many Catholics! Lol ;-)

 

ATT00094

Well, I guess they won’t be getting everything out in the open then…

 

ATT00097

Hmm… I don’t remember that being one of the Miranda rights. “If you kill your attorney, you have a right to receive a new attorney.”

 

ATT00100

Did Donald Trump buy another beauty pageant???

 

ATT00103

Who would have ever guessed???

 

ATT00109

And then they took a bunch of blind people to see that movie “The Artist”.

 

ATT00112

And that must have really pissed off the administrators, because doctors aren’t cheap! Maybe they were advised it was a move they had to make, or else they’d have to resort to hiring lawyers!

 

ATT00115

Well he may be a slow learner… but at least he’s not in denial.

 

ATT00121

Hmm… must be the female nudists, who were not happy to see those towers. Maybe they were Lesbian female nudists…

 

ATT00127

Mark it down on your calendars everyone! And if you make a reservation in advance, you can get those velvet covered handcuffs, and a session in a BDSM themed interrogation room too. But call now, because space is limited!

 

ATT00130

Why am I not surprised?

 

ATT00145

One of the big pharmaceutical companies sponsored a scientific study that proved life is a dangerous disease, and they’ve come up with a new drug as a miracle cure! And it seems to be working too! “Ask your doctor if Fucidol is right for you. Fucidol – Giving us all hope that the disease of life can be eradicated within our lifetime.”

 

ATT00136

I suspect this wasn’t unintentional, but the work of a bored news writer who just couldn’t resist the temptation. “the device still holds up” huh? No premeditated mischief here! Yeah, right!

 

ATT00142

See previous comment. Cause sports writers are the worst offenders for this sort of thing.

 

ATT00139

The broadcast will be sponsored by the Barbershop Singers who performed for the deaf people.

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Now that was kinda fun! :-) Maybe I should get a Twitter account after all… Lol ;-)

 

Posted in Humor | Tagged , , , , , , | 10 Comments

Happy 56th!

Yesterday was my 56th Birthday. It was one of my happier birthdays in recent years, and one of the reasons why is the birthday card my wife gave me last night, here below.

Happy 56

Happy 562

One of the many wonderful things about my wife Jean, is that she always makes a genuine effort on special occasions, to get cards and gifts for me, and anyone else she loves and cares about in her life, that she knows I and other people will sincerely appreciate. She uses her very perceptive understanding of who a person is, what he or she likes, and what will make that person feel happy, liked and appreciated. And for those of us who are very fortunate to be close to Jean, and have her in our lives, she makes us feel loved.

Jean had a brutal day yesterday because she wasn’t feeling well the night before, and she got less than two hours of sleep. When the alarm clock went off early yesterday morning, she was really hurting, and I didn’t think she was going to be able to get out of bed and go to work. But because she’s tough and dedicated to her job, she willed herself to get up, go to work and put in a full day. A very long full day at work, because she was extremely tired and not feeling well, but she got through it.

In the 25 years I’ve known her, I can count on one hand the number of times that Jean has called in sick for work. It almost never happens, because she has a genuinely dedicated work ethic, and she has genuine integrity.

And because she has a heart with a great capacity for kindness, sincere concern for others, compassion and love, after her long and brutal day at work, instead of coming straight home, she went out and got me this card for my birthday. Because she knew that I would love it. I do love it, but most of all, I love my wife. Her handwriting is normally much better than what is here in my birthday card, and it’s proof of how exhausted she was after work. Which just makes this card all the more precious to me.

She and I had a nice evening together last night. Jean rallied and was feeling somewhat better, because she was happy that it was my birthday, and because she loves me, and she wanted me to feel loved… I absolutely do feel loved, because if there is only one thing in this life that I am certain of, it’s that my wife truly loves me, because she shows me how much she loves me everyday, and my eyes are beginning to well up with tears as I write this.

Because of her, my 56th birthday was a very happy birthday. We went out for a candle lit dinner last night, enjoying each others company as we talked about things both serious and silly, and we enjoyed laughter as well as the warmth of romance; our love for each other mirrored in each others gaze, as our eyes met and reflected our shared love back to each other… A love undiminished by all the inevitable conflicts encountered in a marriage and a relationship, and the hardships and heartbreaks we have suffered together for 25 years.

But there has also been much joy for us in the 25 years we have been together, as we have shared many adventures and mutual interests, and taught each other an appreciation for experiences that we might have never known individually without each other.

She gave me an appreciation for romantic and erotic French movies. I gave her the experience of wilderness hiking and camping in places of great natural beauty and splendid isolation. She taught me how to ski; both cross country and alpine skiing. I taught her how to advance from being a novice scuba diver with only three ocean dives of experience, to a highly skilled and experienced scuba diver, with over 200 dives worth of experience, and the ability to handle the level of difficulty for almost any recreational dive, skillfully and safely.

She encouraged me to read books that I would never have read and enjoyed, without her knowledge of them, and she introduced me to the work of some of the world’s greatest photographers. Her experience as a professional photographer and photo editor, taught me how to be a better amateur photographer.

I taught her about the Boston Red Sox and the unique experience of watching baseball played in Fenway Park, where the fans are closer to the action on the field than in any other Major League ball park, except for Wrigley Field in Chicago. As a result we shared the experience of the most thrilling and dramatic MLB playoff series ever in 2004, when the Red Sox lost the first three straight games to the New York Yankees, and faced elimination, but then rallied to win the next four games, and win the American League Championship. Soon after, the Red Sox won the World Series – for the first time in 86 years. Jean was just as ecstatic as any Red Sox fan in all of New England, or anywhere else.

I helped her overcome her fear of heights. She helped me to become more patient, and less angry and confrontational with difficult people. (a work still in progress)

For 25 years, as our relationship has grown and become much deeper, we have become best friends and companions, as well as passionate lovers. And when we are not fighting, as all couples do at times, we love each others’ sense of humor, and we love laughing together.

After we got home from the restaurant, we made love. Again, like countless times before, we shared the transcendental experience of physical ecstasy combined with a love so deep for one another, that it became a union of our souls and very beings, in which we knew a profound peace like no other, as we held each other close in a tight but tenderly soothing embrace. We were very passionate lovers 25 years ago, and that passion burns even more brightly now.

But our love has become so deep and powerfully enduring, that I truly believe even if our sexual contact was no longer possible, we would both still love each other just as much.

Jean continues to teach me an ongoing lesson of the true value of love and caring compassion for other people, both those closest to us, and on the other side of the world, and she teaches me not only with her words, but by her life example. It’s an ongoing lesson that I need to keep learning, because I can be a difficult and uncooperative student at times.

My father taught me a sense of social compassion for the poor, the sick, the weak and disadvantaged, and those who are unfairly and unjustly marginalized by our society, and he also taught me by his own life example. But Dad had some blind spots, and like my father before me, occasionally there have been times when my social conscience hasn’t stopped me from being being unkind and even cruel to those closest to me, who love me the most, even my loving wife, when there are arguments and I get angry.

While I have never been physically abusive to my wife, or any other woman, or anyone in my family, like my Dad in the past, my ability to be very articulate can hurt people deeply, when I’m angry and my words become weapons used against them.

This is a card that I gave to my wife. I picked this card, because we had recently been scuba diving at night, and after our dive was over and we were on the surface, we floated on our backs to look up at a clear and beautiful night sky. We saw billions of stars; like countless pinpoints of light sparkling in the vast blackness of space, while a very bright full moon shined down on the ocean waters all around us, creating silver dancing highlights on the dark and gentle waves that gently rocked us, as we floated in the water side by side, holding hands, while looking up at the infinity of the universe above us.

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I don’t remember much about the details, but I can tell from what I wrote inside, that I had hurt her, and I was trying to express my deep and sincere regret for hurting the woman who has loved me more than any other, the woman that I love more than my own life.

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Excuse my handwritten scrawl… But in that message I poured my heart out to my wife all that I think, feel so deeply and profoundly believe, and most of all, how much I truly love her, and how much I’d be lost without her.

My wife is human and not perfect, but I often call her my Angel, because she seems like an Angel to me. Some of you know that on the day that Jean and I first met, on August 2nd, 1987, I saved her life, by saving her from drowning during a scuba diving emergency. I’ve often thought that on the day we met, I saved her life… and she’s been saving my life ever since.

She’s 52 years old now, but she looks at least 10 years younger, and although she’s gained some weight, it has improved her shape, since back in 1987 at 5’8″ she was on the edge of too thin, but still quite attractive with her long and nicely shaped legs.

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Jean on my Birthday in 1989. A very Happy Birthday to me! ;-)

Now she’s more pleasingly round and curvacious, with her long and shapely slender legs just as impressive as ever. Her daily devotion to the practice of Yoga all her adult life, has kept her body smooth and firm, and she still can wear a bikini with pride, while catching the eye of many admiring glances from guys of all ages.

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Jean rocking a bikini in 1998. At age 52 her shape is very similar today in late 2012.

In ways, she has the personality of 1960s flower child, with an aversion to wearing makeup, or coloring her greying hair. She still looks good enough to be out in public without makeup, and I don’t mind the grey in her hair.

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Jean at 50 yrs old. A touch of grey, no makeup, no problem…

But I do always enjoy it when she does wear makeup, because it highlights her pretty hazel-green eyes. She wore makeup for me last night, and her hazel-green eyes looked more green than usual, with a warm and sparkling glow as she smiled. She looked enchantingly attractive as I stared into her pretty eyes, and as she returned my gaze, I could see her eyes glowing with her love for me. My heart swelled with love for her in return, and I felt deeply moved, as once again I realized how fortunate I am to feel so loved by her, and to have her in my life, as my one true Soul mate, and my wife.

In recent years, I’ve had mixed emotions about my birthday, and the arrival of another birthday has made me feel like I’m one year closer to being a very old man, which hasn’t made me all that happy.

But last night on my 56th Birthday, my lovely and wonderful wife made me feel like I was young and in my prime again, and I was very happy. Because I’m a very lucky guy, and I know it.

 

Posted in Personal, Scuba Diving | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 15 Comments

The Devil May Care, But I Definitely Don’t

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I’m in a “devil may care” kinda mood today, so this post may wander off into dangerous territory… Or more accurately, be guilty of way too much TMI. (was that redundant? lol) But for better or worse, I’m going to post whatever the hell I want to here today, and I don’t care whether anyone likes it or doesn’t like it, or thinks it’s too long or comments or doesn’t comment. (your comments are always appreciated, and yes, I’m inconsistent. lol)

I posted the photo above because for two days the WordPress photo editing option to do things like re-size and crop photos for my posts had vanished, and I wanted to see if maybe the “edit option” had returned, but it hasn’t. (It reappeared on Dec. 6th) But I had another reason for posting this photo, which is that it’s an example of the type of erotic image that I find very attractive, and as an amateur photographer, that I really admire. I have a large portfolio of my own original erotic photography, and if I had taken this one, I’d be proud of it. And no, I am not going to start posting my original erotic photography here on this blog.

But I might start posting my own erotic photography on my new WordPress blog, that I created back on November 1st. I’m not mentioning my new WP blog here to promote it. I’m not even going to link to it or reveal the name of it here. My reason for mentioning it, is that I’m in a good mood today, because after a month and a week, the new blog is suddenly starting to do well, after being lost in unknown cyberspace territory for over a month.

When it comes to my own writing, there are three subjects that I either feel very passionate about, or enjoy writing about the most. Humor, Erotica, and Politics.

Anyone familiar with this blog already knows that I love humor, and enough said. Politics is my least favorite subject to write about, because it’s the fastest way I know of to ruin a friendship. Sad but true… and now more than ever. I only write about politics when I’m driven to it, and when I am, sometimes it feels like getting drafted to fight in a war.

I’m going to say something controversial now, and it may even cost me some followers, but I don’t care. Politically, I would describe myself as a left leaning centrist Democrat, in the FDR “New Deal” tradition. But as a humorist and comedian, I have discovered an eternal truth – The fastest way to make friends with even some of the most hardcore right wingers, is to tell ‘em funny dirty jokes, and very sexy stories, in a venue where they feel safely anonymous.

I have years of experience that proves this to be true, and I have learned the hard way that many members of the Right, male and female in equal numbers, will love me as long as I keep them laughing at sexually ribald humor and titillated by seriously sexy stories, and I never say anything no matter how brief, that clashes with their right wing world view. Cause when I have, the same people who have loved me for years, will turn on me with a level of vicious hatred that is as astounding as it is horrifying. Enough said.

Erotica is obviously a potentially controversial subject, but I love writing erotica and I’ve learned to minimize the controversy by writing it online only in places where I know I’ll have a readership that enjoys it and isn’t offended by it.

I’ve been writing erotic short stories for over 10 years, and although my erotic writing needs to get much better than it currently is, recently my erotic writing has been rapidly improving; enough so that my wife has been pushing me to make a serious effort to get my erotic writing published. My wife Jean reads books constantly in a wide variety of genres, and I have a great respect for her opinion, because she has an appreciation for skillfully created writing, and little tolerance for crap.

She is also uncompromisingly honest with her opinion of my writing, and when I write crap, Jean will politely tell me it’s crap. So when Jean tells me that she thinks my erotic writing is getting good enough to be worth a try to get it published, that really tells me something worthwhile, and 2013 could be an interesting year…

But I still have no intention to reveal anything here about my new WordPress erotic blog, because I write graphic erotica, and I know that the majority of my readership here is the wrong readership for my style of erotic writing. I write graphic erotica, but I do not write porn. Some people think that graphic erotica and porn are the same thing, but there is a world of difference between the two.

Porn takes two or more people and describes in graphic detail their sexual activity, often in a way that is laughably disconnected from the reality of what real people enjoy doing sexually, in real life. Porn doesn’t waste any time boring readers and viewers with any description of who people really are, why they are who they are, and how they interact with each other in a relationship, beyond just fucking, licking and sucking.

Graphic Erotica offers a vivid description of sexuality, but also creates and describes complex characters, both male and female, who seem like real people in real life. It also takes the time and effort to explore the dynamics of how and why people interact with each other in a relationship together, often in ways that have nothing to do with sexual activity. It creates and describes the interactions and struggles of people in a relationship in a way that seems very true to real life.

Personally, I think the big advantage that well written graphic erotica has over porn, is that because the people and the relationships do seem so true to life, when people do have sex, reading about their sexual experiences is a much more powerfully vivid experience for the reader, far beyond anything ever found in porn. Especially for women, because the sexuality of most women is more complex and highly evolved, than in men. Not always, but most of the time. (Sorry guys, but I call ‘em like I see ‘em. lol)

I used to post some of my erotic stories on a site called “Literotica”. Literotica does have some standards for the writing that is allowed on their site, because every story, even stories from the best of their regular writers, has to be reviewed by their editorial staff before they will post it. But Literotica’s standards for writing are not that high, because I’ve seen some absolute crap writing they have accepted, and if I had written it, I’d hang my head in shame.

On the other hand, there are many stories on Literotica with a very high skill level of writing that makes “50 Shames of Grey” (typo intentional) look like the crap that it really is, however financially successful the crap of “50 Shames” has become.

My stories on Literotica often got hateful ranting reviews from men, who wanted to only read about fucking, licking, and sucking, and not about real life relationships, because it reminded them too much of what complete and total failures they have been, in their own attempted and failed relationships. But these hateful male reviews never bothered me, because I always considered the source, and my female readers on Literotica were much more supportive.

But I finally gave up on Literotica, because what I was hoping for, was lots of interactive dialogue with other writers, and that just doesn’t exist on Literotica. But it does on WordPress… 

This won’t surprise some of you, but there is a large and active underground community of bloggers on WordPress, who write graphic erotica, as well as more subtle erotica, which although not usually my style, I have a lot of admiration and respect for. Because I know that often less is more, and what is left to the imagination can often be much more erotic than nothing left to the imagination.

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Which is why an attractive woman in a bikini can often make a bigger impression on me, than the same woman naked at a nude beach. I would also like to mention that even though I’m apparently the WP Cleavage King of the Internet, thanks to my search terms, I find a woman with a shape like this very attractive, and while I appreciate a nice pair, I don’t have a Hugh Hefner-esque Huge Hooter Fixation. I think that small breasted women can be very attractive, as well as larger breasted women.

But getting back to the point I was beginning to make, there is a large and active underground community of bloggers on WordPress, who write graphic erotica, and I am proud to have joined them. I’m finding that once these writers get to know me enough to like and trust me, they are willing to have that interactive dialogue about writing, that I couldn’t get on my former site.

Similar to the entire WordPress blogging community, at least from my own experience, a very large majority of the bloggers who write both graphic and more subtle erotica on WordPress are women, and men are a very small minority. I’m not surprised that there are a lot of women who are into writing erotica here on WordPress. The type of erotica that these women write, was pioneered by Anais Nin in the early 20th century, when she was one of the first women to explore a wide and diverse range of sexual expression and activity in her erotic writing. She didn’t write romance novels and she bears no resemblance to Nora Roberts.

Anais Nin, who many critics rate as one of the finest female writers of erotica, was writing journals about her own real life sexual experiences and relationships in the early 1920s, although her writing wasn’t first published until 1932. She continued writing about her sexual experiences as well as erotic fiction until her death in 1977, and much of her writing was published after she died. Her most commonly well known work is Delta of Venus”; a book of her erotic short stories.

Nin was a fascinating and complex woman who was highly intelligent with a strong and independent personality, and she had a very active and diverse sex life with many different partners. She socialized with some of the most important literary figures of her time, such as Henry Miller, John Steinbeck, Edmund Wilson, and Gore Vidal, and she had a passionate love affair with Henry Miller.

She was interested in psychoanalysis, and underwent therapy with a psychoanalyst, Otto Rank, who was one of Sigmund Freud’s closest colleagues for 20 years, until he broke with Freud in part because he believed that Freud failed to understand that women were sexual beings within their own context, to the same degree as men, and the expression of sexuality was just as important in woman’s lives, as it was in the lives of men.

Her therapy with Rank helped her to understand her own sexuality and validated her freedom of sexual expression as a woman free from the repressive constraints of her time, such as sex being only for procreation, ignorance of the fact that it was natural for women to enjoy sex, and enjoy sex as much as men did, and that women were not just passively empty vessels waiting to be filled and used by men.

Nin eventually became a psychoanalyst herself and worked with patients in therapy for a time, until she discontinued her practice.

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Anais Nin – A trail blazer who started her own sexual revolution for the full expression of female sexuality in the early 20th century, and the first woman to write erotica on the level of important literature that has been critically acclaimed, academically studied, and her writing is still widely read today.

Why do I love to write graphic erotica? From an early age, I’ve always been fascinated by human sexuality, and not just because I’m some perpetually horny guy. I have read extensively about human sexuality, and although I was kidding around about that on a recent post, I really have read in depth science papers on the subject and on my bookcase right now, is a college text book entitled “Our Sexuality” by Robert Crooks and Karla Baur. It’s 761 pages long and I’ve read all of it twice. Trust me when I tell you that it’s on a higher level than the Penthouse Forum. Lol – which I used to read back when I was in my mid teens.

In 1986 I almost married a very attractive woman who was an expert in the practice of Tantric sex, and she taught me some truly amazing things. But we didn’t get married because she gave me an ultimatum to convert to her religion, which was Buddhism, and I walked… I have a great deal of respect for Buddhism, but not so much for people who issue ultimatums to convert to their religion, whatever it may be.

But not marrying my Buddhist Tantric sex expert lover turned into the biggest and best blessing of my entire life, because a year later in 1987, I met my current wife, Jean, who is without a doubt, my one true Soul mate, as I am also hers.

My interest in writing graphic erotica has nothing to do with being a creeper, or some guy searching cyberspace for cheap thrills and opportunities to engage in cyber-infidelity. And I would never cheat on my wife. Because I know how incredibly rare it is for either a man or a woman to find their one true Soul mate, and that many people never do, for their entire lives. I’d rather take a chain saw and cut off my right arm than lose Jean.

I do have some common sense and enough to have learned these two eternal truths, as a man:

1. Extra-marital affairs almost always end very badly and ravage the lives of everyone involved.

2. Even the woman who truly loves you with all the capacity of her heart and soul, will probably stop loving you, hate you with a passion instead, and then leave you when she finds out you cheated with another woman. There’s almost never a second chance or any hope of being forgiven.

Forget using the chainsaw to cut off my right arm! I’d rather use the chainsaw to cut off my head, if I was ever enough of a fool do something that foolish and lose Jean as a result.

And that is just too depressing a way to end this post…

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Probably the best nude photo I have even taken – back in 1986. Professional model – no personal involvement. I don’t do nude photography of women anymore, because my wife is not comfortable with it. Hey, she’s a wonderful person and very patient with me in many ways, but she’s still only human. And from now on, I’ll keep the nude photos on that other WP blog… Lol ;-)

 

Posted in Personal | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , | 14 Comments