There is Nothing to See Here!

Hey, didn’t I just tell you that there’s nothing to see here? But here you are, looking anyway. Well suit yourself, because this is going to be just about the laziest blog I’ve ever written. I may not even bother to correct all the typos, or do a spell check. Still here? Well don’t say I didn’t warn ya! These are just the random wanderings of an idle and peculiar mind…

I saw an entertaining example of illiterate graffiti the other day. Some real life Beavis & Buttheads were trying to be cool by spray painting SATAN LIVES on the wall of a building.

But because of skipping school too many times so they could get high instead, what they actually wrote was SATIN LIVES – which sounds like the name of a TV soap opera, or maybe the title of a romance novel…  Which just shows that knowing how to spell can make the difference between being cool and being a fool! Oh well, it gave me a good laugh anyway… :-)

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Somebody asked me what I think of acupuncture the other day… Well I’ve always had this terrible fear that they’d stick a needle in my navel and I’d suddenly go flying in the air all over the room and end up landing somewhere completely deflated! So I think I’ll pass…

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My dog is weird. He’s a great dog and I love him, but he’s weird. Soon after we got him, he was lying on the floor when suddenly he jumped up and ran out of the room, looking quite spooked! We had no idea why… until he did it a few more times, and we realized that he was farting – and badly scaring himself! The poor creature thought that someone or something was doing it to him, instead of figuring out that he was doing it himself. He’s the only dog I’ve ever known, who is scared of his own farts!

He’s a great dog and I love him, but he isn’t the brightest bulb in the circuit. One day we put him out in the backyard on a lead. He was okay with that for a while, but then he started barking as if he was frustrated about something. So I go out to see what’s wrong, and he’s out there standing on his leash, and thinking that he can’t move! The sad thing is that he’s done this a bunch of times and he never figures it out. I guess we have a “special needs” dog… but we love him anyway.

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Somebody at work mentioned that roller skating can be a good workout. Not the in line types that you see people on outdoors these days, but good old fashioned four wheeled roller skates at a roller skate rink. Have to admit that I haven’t thought about that kind of roller skating for many years. I tried it when I was 16, and after I learned how to stop falling on my ass, I thought the idea was to fly around the rink at insane speeds, and enjoy all the horrified expressions and cool curse words as I whizzed by. It was FUN! Until they threw me out…

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I was reading an article this morning about how they do colonoscopies these days. They have this little camera at the end of a flexible video cable, they snake it up inside you, and the doctor watches everywhere it goes on a video monitor. It sounds like something I saw one time on a porn fetish site… but I’m hoping that my doctor views it with a more professional interest.

Do you get to keep the video? When you’re stuck at one of those extended family gatherings, and you’ve just finished watching the 6th “My kids are sooo cute!” video in a row, well your colonoscopy video would be a great way to change the pace. Hey everybody! Check this one out! Lol ;-)

And I wonder if some of the still photos might have any potential as greeting cards… Like, “Wish You Were Here!” for gay guys to other gay guys… Or for the straight folks, husband to wife: “If You Really Loved Me, You’d Let Me in Here!” Or wife to husband: “I’ve been thinking about what you wanted last night, and I might do it… BUT only if I get to go first with a 10″ strap on! Ready to lube up, Big Boy??? Let’s see how much YOU like it!!!”

Or for something completely different: “I was really hoping to see The Grand Canyon, but ended up here instead. Just NOT the same at all!”

OK, last one! Disgruntled employee to boss… “For as long as I’ve worked for you, this has been your view on everything! Try removing your head and see the world instead!”

But if I were you, I wouldn’t send that one until after you’re working in your new job… it could be hazardous to your income.

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I was thinking the other day, about the various bosses I’ve had in my working life. I had one boss in particular, who was one of the most off the wall people I’ve ever known. More than once, he’d come running up to me, hand me some paper work and declare that “this has to be done no later than than 1:30 PM today!” And I’d look back at him and say, “But it’s already 2:15!” His answer would be “Well then, Hurry up!”

The man had no sense of time. He invited one of our biggest customers to go with him to the first home game of the season for the Boston Bruins. He got a pair of really good seats. There was only one problem. He and our biggest customer, who drove all the way down to Boston from Vermont, showed up one night too early. My boss had misread the date on the tickets. I’m sure glad I wasn’t there.

Then there was the time that he scheduled a staff meeting that was to take place after 5 PM at the close of our regular hours. At 5:05 we were all in our seats at the conference table and waiting… and waiting some more. There was only one person missing. My boss, of course! They sent me to go look for him. I found him with his hat and coat on, and heading for the door to go home. “Uhh… Sir? the meeting?” I asked, awkwardly. “What meeting?” he exclaimed, looking irritated. “Uhh… the one you scheduled for right now.” I answered. “Why doesn’t anybody tell me these things?!!!” he yelled back. Like I said, the man had no sense of time, or schedule for that matter. Not even his own.

You’re probably wondering how he got to be the boss. He inherited the business from his father. I guess business savvy and organizational skills skipped a generation.

But one of the most memorable things he did, had nothing to do with a schedule. We were getting ready for an office party one afternoon, which was to include some of our customers. One of the guys bought a bunch of cold cuts and piled them on a large plate in a kind of disorganized and messy fashion. My boss looked disapprovingly at the plate, and said “That’s no good! Look at that! We need a woman for this sort of thing!”

He then ran out to the front office where the secretaries were… while yelling “I NEED A WOMAN!!!” I wish you could have seen the looks on their faces! I had to hide in the mens room until I could stop laughing.

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So, there! I told ya there was nothing to see here! But here you are, reading my last couple sentences anyway. And thanks so much for doing that! Wishing you a great morning, noon, afternoon, evening, night, or whatever it is for you right now. :-)

 

About Chris Sheridan

I’m a 56 year old guy who is young (and immature) at heart, and I love humor and laughter. Married for 22 years, but still enjoy all the glories of womanhood everywhere, even while dedicated to one woman only - and I hope my wife never finds out about her!
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