It was a crushing disappointment. I was just so sure that I had passed the audition and I was going to be cast as the lead for “JAWS! The Musical”. They even told me that the part was as good as mine, but then I got a call at the last minute, telling me they’d changed their minds, and the role of “Bruce, The Great White Singing Shark” went to another actor. I was despondent and depressed for days, and starting to lose my grip on reality.
It got so bad that I starting wandering the local beaches in my shark suit and reenacting my audition for unimpressed total strangers.
My sense of alienation and rejection only got worse, as each performance ended with yawns of indifference or cutting and sarcastic comments… I sank deeper into the depths of despondency.
And then my mental state got even worse, and I was plagued by persistent and recurring nightmares, of what happens when fruit goes bad.
I began to spend most of my nights in bars drinking heavily, and I made some bad choices after last call, that I really regretted the next morning.
At home, even the simplest of chores began to seem like monumental tasks, and I felt like trying to get anything done, was like trying to iron my shirts underwater.
My mental emotional state was slipping badly, and I often found myself seriously distracted while deeply lost in day dreams, as my subconscious regressed back to some of my early childhood memories.
But when I knew that something really had to be done, was when I became obsessed with, and even very fond of bizarre thoughts and mental images.
I kept thinking that Barry Bonds was really Paula Abdul, and then laughing hysterically!
Something had to be done, and I decided that I had no choice but to go into therapy…
So I’ve started therapy with my psychiatrist Dr. Gonzo and his talking dog dummy Muffy.
Dr. Gonzo has pioneered a radical new therapy called “Scared Sane”. It targets patients who have an excessive and unnatural enjoyment of being crazy, such as myself. The whole idea is that during a session, Dr. Gonzo encourages his patients to express their fondness for wacko ways of thinking, and then uses extreme aversive therapy to scare them back into really wanting to be normal again.
For example, in my session last week, Gonzo hypnotized me and then encouraged me to dig deeply into my most favorite bizarre ways of thinking.
At the height of my enjoyment, Gonzo told me that as a “reward” he was now going to induce me into believing I was having an intense sexual encounter with my eighth grade English teacher Miss Lindsay (who was hotter than an overheated gun barrel!)
As I lay there deep in a trance and shaking with anticipation, Gonzo told me that on the count of ten, I would open my eyes and there would be Miss Lindsay… stark naked and beckoning me to do everything I’ve ever wanted to do with her…
But when I opened my eyes, instead of Miss Lindsay, I saw Dr. Gonzo dressed up as a cross between a rooster and a bull, and wearing these goofy sneakers with white socks, that were the same as the ones this nerdy boy in eighth grade used to wear! As if that wasn’t enough, Muffy the talking dog dummy was repeatedly yelling “Squeal like a pig!” in the exact same voice as the mountain man in “Deliverance”!!!
It was horrible!!! I’ve been “Scared Sane” for almost an entire week!!!