Tonight’s topic is Getting Wood. And I don’t mean the type that ya throw in the fire place… Although come to think of it, in order to get wood, a man’s gotta keep those romantic fires burning, which means that he might need to keep the fire burning in the fire place, in which case, he’ll need to get wood, if he’s gonna get wood! Are ya with me so far?
Now I know that you ladies, when you were younger, were told many things about what can happen when a man gets wood. And I just wanna get rid of one false rumor right now. When a man gets wood, he can’t give ya splinters! Just can’t happen, no matter what you’ve been told. Unless you’re dating Pinocchio, in which case he’d probably use his nose, cause Pinocchio’s nose grows every time he tells a lie, and since we all know that yes, size does matter, Pinocchio is gonna lie like a dog, to get his nose wood as big as he possibly can!
Which isn’t so unusual, because let’s face it… (I’ll bet Pinocchio does) We all know that lots of guys lie to get laid. But guys, there’s one lie that just doesn’t work, no matter how much we want it to… Your dick is not like Pinocchio’s nose, and it doesn’t get longer every time you lie about its size. But while we can’t make it get bigger by lying about it, we do have a long history to lying to women, so they’ll make our dicks get bigger, because now that’s the kind of lying that will often get ‘er done!
Okay, suddenly realizing that with all this talk about lying, that we’re getting way too close to the truth, let’s just keep things moving right along…
As most mothers and some fathers know, little boys start getting wood almost as soon as they’re born. Which can be a real hazard when changing diapers, cause if ya approach the little bugger head first, he’s liable to shoot ya right in the eye! Which is proof that for every year a male gets older… his aim gets worse. We start out life as crack shots, and end up just dribbling off (way off) into the sunset of “the Golden Years”. Maybe that’s why they call it that…
Then there’s adolescence… and there’s nothing but trouble! As soon as a guy hits that age, he soon realizes that “one eyed willie” has a mind all his own! Hell, in the morning, he gets up before you do! If you play football and you’re a running back, coach will tell ya to hit the holes as fast and hard as you can. First thing in the morning, willie’s already up for the game before you can even get your eyes open! Coach also will tell you that a really good running back is very quick to see the holes open up and make his move. Willie has only one eye and he’s already seeing holes everywhere. But you’re only 13, and it will be years before you can do anything about it! This can be incredibly frustrating!!!
And you soon learn that if hitting the holes is the name of the game, then willie must be thinking about football morning noon and night! Which can be incredibly embarrassing! You’re at school in math class, and the teacher calls you up to the front of the class to solve a problem. Right as you’re standing up there in front of the teacher and all your classmates… willie starts to think about football!
Instead of helping you solve the problem, he creates a really big problem of his own! Which has an obvious answer, but you’re sure as hell in the wrong time and place to solve it! Facing humiliation big time, you beat it back to your seat and hide willie under your desk! Your teacher threatens to fail you for not even trying to solve the problem, and tells you to get back up there! Your only answer is… “I’d rather take the zero, Ma’am…”
And it goes on and on… Willie decides to show up for ball room dancing in gym class. While you’re standing up in a crowded bus, willie suddenly gets the urge to stand up with you! Your only defense is to thrust a hand in the pants pocket on the side where willie likes to show off. This gives you a chance that people might not notice him, if you’re lucky… Of course this tactic is no good for the ball room dancing class, when you’re supposed to be holding her instead of him! In this case, the only thing you could have done, if ya thought of it ahead of time (which I never did) would be to put a roll of quarters in the pocket opposite willie’s favorite side. At least then you might look and feel somewhat symmetrical – and also pretty strange. But at least your true condition isn’t quite so obvious.
Or maybe you’d really “stand out” in a far worse way! Cause you’d look like a double dicked freak who dresses both right and left, and you’ve got two hard ons at the same time! Scratch that idea, guys. Hey, I said scratch that idea – not your nuts!
But a young guy soon learns how to handle getting wood. He learns that the best way to handle willie, is to try and limit his public appearances by handling him repeatedly in private. This sort of works… and at least it feels good! Until you start feeling guilty about it – which happens as soon as you grab for the Kleenex. Those younger years can be really hard!
But as a young guy grows up into manhood, his member seems much less demanding, and getting wood becomes the enjoyable experience it should be. You get the chance to introduce one eyed willie to some new and wonderful friends, who can take care of him far better than you ever could alone. But willie still has a mind of his own. And if you’re not careful, and let his mind control yours… he can still cause you incredible embarrassment and serious consequences. Like raising children…
And in extreme cases, one eyed willie can throw a man and an entire nation into a state of turmoil! Not to mention having to deal with the wrath of a woman named Hillary! Those Republicans were just a walk in the park compared to that! “Kill Bill” isn’t just a movie title, folks… It was a scream of rage heard throughout the White House!
So just remember… it takes a real man to deal with getting wood. Not just anybody can do this, and do it right. Men, you should all be strong with your wood and grow it with discipline, discretion and wisdom.
Because if ya don’t… a woman named Lorena Bobbitt might chop down your tree!