Home Invasion!

Yeah, we’ve got mice again. Seems like they left us alone for the Summer and most of Fall, but now that it’s getting colder, they’re back and partying inside the walls, as well as other places. We hear them scuffling around and sometimes squeaking at night.

We never had this problem back when we had a totally homicidal cat! No way! But now we just have a big goofy dog who ain’t never caught a rabbit or a mouse, but he’s still a friend of mine! I’ve been procrastinating about doing something about our unwanted guests, which I know is bad because with mice, procrastination equals multiplication. Those little buggers can produce a new litter every 21 days!

And my wife has been getting a little on edge about hearing the mice at play too often. Last weekend the guy next door was doing something outside, and whatever it was kept making this Ka thump, Ka thump, Ka thump sound. My wife heard it and thought it was coming from inside the house and calls to me “Chris, do you hear that?”

“That’s outside Jean; it’s the guy next door.” I answered, and then added “No Jean, we have mice, but we don’t have kangaroos.” She laughed, which was a good thing and why we’ve been together for so long. But then she added, “Okay wise ass, how about doing something about the mice? And do something about the kangaroos just in case!”

So now I was motivated and ready to eliminate the problem once and for all. I was all set to head to the hardware store and buy up a bunch of those lethal spring traps, and set up for a mouse massacre. But as soon as my wife heard of my strategy, she wanted nothing to do with it, and just wouldn’t hear of it!

“What kind of monster are you?!” she yells at me! “I thought you wanted the mice gone!” I shot back.

“Well you don’t have to be such a ruthless Nazi about it!” she exclaims. “There’s gotta be a better way.”

“Your cat was pretty ruthless with what she did to the mice.” I said. “Leave my cat out of this.” she answers, looking upset. “You know I still miss her!”

Sooo… we end up at the hardware store together, and end up buying a little “Hava-Hart” box trap. The humane solution – if not The Final Solution… This means that we can get rid of one mouse a day, and it involves a mouse relocation program. The first night I set the trap and baited it with peanut butter, the dog looked hurt, and looked up at me like “How come I don’t get any peanut butter?” This quickly made me realize that the trap better be placed in a closet, or our dog was sure to be the creature that sprung the trap, and we’d be getting nowhere fast.

The next morning I checked on the trap and sure enough, there was a mouse in there. One down, and who knows how many to go… But the mouse was a really cute little bugger. He had light brown tawny fur on top, and white fur on his chest and belly. He had big ears and big brown eyes, and looked like he sprang straight out of a childrens book.


The minute my wife saw him, she gasped and said “OMG! He’s sooo cute!” Then she glares at me and says “And you wanted to kill him, you murderer!”

“Oh gawd!” I exclaim, and then add with just a touch of sarcasm “Maybe we should just adopt him.” She looks at me like she’s thinking it over… then says “Nope, he’s going to his new home in the woods. I’m going to let him go in the woods where I walk the dog.” This seemed like a good idea, because I knew the woods she was taking about, and it’s some distance from any residential areas, so we wouldn’t be making our problem someone else’s.

Then I see Jean reaching for the bird seed on top of the refrigerator. “What are you doing?” I ask.

“I’m bringing something for him to eat.” she replies, “We can’t just leave him out there with nothing.” Now I’m doing some serious eye rolling, but turn away so it’s not so obvious. My lovely wife picks up the trap and a little bag of bird seed, and heads for the door while gently cooing to the mouse, “Don’t worry; I know you’re scared, but it’s gonna be okay”.

But after she leaves, I have a realization. I reflect on the fact that she’s one of the most compassionate people I’ve ever known, and even though I can be a real rat myself sometimes, she still wants me in her home, and she doesn’t want to drop me off somewhere in the woods. Although if she did, she’d probably leave me with some bird seed, or maybe some Slim Jims and Nachos… So I’m a very lucky guy to have her. Even if she is soft on home invasion by mice.


About Chris Sheridan

I’m a 56 year old guy who is young (and immature) at heart, and I love humor and laughter. Married for 22 years, but still enjoy all the glories of womanhood everywhere, even while dedicated to one woman only - and I hope my wife never finds out about her!
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2 Responses to Home Invasion!

  1. benzeknees says:

    Maybe another solution would be to get a “mouser” cat again . . . although I would certainly understand if you weren’t ready. At the end of June this year, my beloved friend Bandit (Rottie/Husky cross with one blue eye) had to go to sleep at the age of 14 years. He was very much loved & is still very much missed. I couldn’t contemplate trying to replace him at this time. He had developed a heart condition, was partially deaf with painfully arthritic hips and we needed to move from our house in a small town into a condo in the city. Bandit did not handle change very well & we knew this move would kill him, so we elected to not put him through the trauma & waited until the very last minute we could before making the trip to the vets. He went to sleep peacefully in my arms because my husband couldn’t face the task & I couldn’t allow my best friend to go through his last journey alone. Now Bandit & Lizzie (my daughter’s dog who died suddenly of leukemia just a couple months before) are playing without pain together in heaven.

    • Getting a “mouser” cat would be the best solution, but right now we have a dog who loves to chase cats, and as long as he’s here, it wouldn’t be right to bring a cat into our home. Very sorry to hear about you losing your dogs. My wife and I have been dog lovers all our lives, and we know what it’s like to go through losing a dog, including having to make the decision to put the dog down when it’s time, and then going through with it. But however hard it is, when they are suffering and their quality of life is poor, the most loving thing that we can do for them, is free them from all pain and suffering. You were brave, and you did the right thing.

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