This is serious… She’s leaving me! What am I gonna do???
Nope… the test strip reads negative. Whew! At least I don’t have to worry about that!
But my wife is still leaving me! What am I gonna do???
Okay, my marriage isn’t really breaking up, but it’s still true that my wife is leaving me… For three whole days! This is terrible!
Now you’re probably wondering why a grown man like myself is in such a state over having to live without his wife for three days. (or maybe you’re still stuck on wondering why he’s giving himself pregnancy tests) Both cases where I can see why you’d really wonder…
Well here’s the deal: My wife does almost all the food preparation around here, and she’s been responsible for keeping me as fit and healthy as I am these days, and for the last 21 years we’ve been married. She goes out and does all the grocery shopping, packs me lunches for work, and prepares almost all of the other meals I eat. (I am on my own for breakfast, but usually I can manage to find the cereal, the 1% milk, a bowl and spoon, and make it all work together. Pretty good, huh?)
I’ve heard it said before that “Behind every successful man, stands a surprised woman.” Closer to the truth may be that she’s more tired than surprised…
So now you know what I’m all worked up about. For three whole days, I have to feed myself! What am I gonna do???
Well, I’m not totally helpless when it comes to feeding myself. It’s kinda like a skill I used to have, but lost because I seldom use it anymore. But in desperate circumstances like these, I think some basic self feeding capabilities might return. I do know my way around a gas grill, and grilled steak is always an option. It would certainly make the dog happy. He loves it when I grill! He also hates it when my wife goes away, because he knows who really holds things together around here… Some steak scraps would help to ease his apprehension during this difficult and trying time for us.
Happy dog who knows he’s getting steak scraps.
So yeah, steak works… and I can nuke some frozen spinach to go with it. Heck, I could even get really adventurous and make a black bean salad! Or I could just be lazy and grill steak, nuke spinach, and have a bowl of cereal… Works for me!
Or I could just say to hell with it, whip out my wallet and go out to eat. I know a place that serves great broiled fish dishes that you can order with just veggies on the side, and an oil and vinegar salad. That wouldn’t wreck my diet. I just have to remember that if I order it take out, to NOT take out a waitress to go with it. Cause there’s that other appetite that I have to keep in check while my wife is gone… Three days is a long time!
Just kidding! I would never do anything like that! Because then I might have to feed myself indefinitely! Oh, the horror, the horror…
One day later…
Well, that didn’t work! This meal preparation and cooking stuff takes a certain amount of effort that I’m just not used to. I already tried one solution to this problem last night, and it didn’t work out well at all!
I called an escort service and told them that I needed a woman who could really cook! They said they had just what a guy like me really wanted, and they’d send her over real soon. I said “That’s great, because I’m getting really hungry!”
Soon she arrived, and I showed her the kitchen. She smiled, and said that she was very familiar with “appliances” which I thought was good, and I told her that she should be able to find anything she needed right here. I also mentioned that my wife was very good about keeping all her appliances very clean after using them, and that I’d appreciate it if she would do the same.
She looked at me rather strangely and replied, “Whatever works for you, baby.”
Then I showed her a recipe for dinner that I found in the newspaper, which I thought sounded really delicious, and said “I think I’d really love this… Could you do this for me?” And that’s when everything went south… She got very angry and yelled something about how she was a high class professional and she was very skilled at the many things she did, but one thing that she would never do, was cook meals for some john!
I told her my name was Chris, but she didn’t seem to hear me… She stormed out of the house screaming that “Next I’ll bet you’ll want me to do the windows!!!” I told her that wouldn’t be necessary, because my wife did them last week. But by then she was long gone.
I ended up eating at Burger King… I guess that good help is just really hard to find these days.