This is a shocking and true story! Are you sure you’re ready for this? Warning: Do not read this while driving! (you shouldn’t be reading anything while driving anyway) And get off that cell phone too!
But however shocking my story is, Dog knows that every word here is true!
I’m not Australian. I am not many other nationalities as well. In fact, there are so many countries I am not from, that I won’t list them all here. (unless someone asks me to) I am however, American. Or at least this is what I’ve always been told. I was very young when I was born, and don’t remember much about where I popped out. So I’ll have to rely on other potentially credible sources, such as my parents and the state of Pennsylvania. The U.S. government seems to have claimed me, as evidenced by my passport, and how much “rent” I pay them every year to live here.
I am a guy. I do have graphic evidence to prove this, but choose not to reveal it here at this time. (unless someone asks me to) Being a guy is one of the big reasons my wife married me. It’s just the way she is… the way she prefers to swing, as the flaming heterosexual she really is! Hey, don’t knock it till you’ve tried it… Celebrate diversity!
“Hey Honey! You’d say that I’m a guy, right?”
“Get off that damn computer and help me with this wall paper!” There, now women everywhere really believe that I’m a guy. Other guys will soon be running for cover in their own homes. Sorry about that!
I’m a 55 year old guy, and old enough to be your father if you were born after 1976. Maybe I am your father… there’s a lot I don’t remember about the past. Say “Hi” to Mom for me, just in case.
So for me, it all began in Pennsylvania, and moved to Southern Ohio when I was a year old. My parents searched for me for days! When they found me, they decided it was a nice area, and the family moved there in 1957. In 1960 I wandered off again, and this time my folks finally found me in the greater Boston area. I was literally following the Kennedy presidential campaign. I wasn’t political at the time, since I was only four, but one of the Kennedy brats took my favorite toy when they stopped in Ohio, and I was determined to get it back! Once again, my parents thought it was a nice area and we moved there. We really enjoyed being near the ocean.
My mother decided to keep me on a long leash in the back yard with the dog, so the family wouldn’t have to move again. I thought the dog was my brother… Actually I think it was my brother. He had a tendency to wander off too! Only he went to places like Newark, New Jersey, and we never moved there. Maybe it was the dog after all, cause come to think of it, my brother is still in Newark!
The leash idea seemed to work, because I’m still in the greater Boston area. (but not on the leash anymore) Although, all that time leashed together with the dog, made some strange impressions on me… The first time I had to stay after school, it was for barking out of turn. I just wanted them to let me out! I still growl at waiters who try to take away my dish before I’m through, and when it comes to sex, I’ll bet you can guess my favorite position. And I still pee on trees whenever I get the chance! It’s very important for me to clearly mark my territory. Otherwise, that guy three houses down might try to mate with my honey, and that just ain’t happening!
My first girlfriend was a beautiful golden retriever whom I’ll never forget, even if it was just “puppy love”. I’ve been very attracted to blonds ever since. But enough on that… I would say I had a very normal puppyhood, and grew up to be a well adjusted adult, even if I do still occasionally howl at the moon! But I think that everyone should howl at the moon every now and then. The hell with the neighbors if they can’t take a joke! It’s fun, and you should try it.
I enjoyed sports in high school, playing football in the fall, wrestling in the winter, and baseball in the spring. I also spent a great deal of time “practicing” for sex, and most of the women I’ve known, are grateful that I came so well prepared. It’s just like my coaches always told me: If you want to be really good at this game and be a high scorer, it takes practice… practice… and even more practice!
But I wasn’t nearly as dedicated for school. I was an A and D student. If I liked a course, I’d ace it… if I didn’t, I’d stay awake just enough to not flunk. So I graduated with a high C average. I went on to college, and graduated with a B.S. degree in English. I’ve been B.S.ing in English ever since. There’s a lot I don’t remember about my four years in college… At the time, I didn’t want all that studying to interfere with my ability to party. Oh well…
I did try to enlist in the Air Force, but I never made it past the physical cause I bit the doctor twice and peed on his leg. Old habits die hard, and I hated going to see the vet!
As far as a career, I have sort of patch worked one together, after doing all kinds of things for employment. The most years have been devoted to sales in the electrical supply industry, and sales for a company that sold and installed petroleum storage and handling equipment.
I’m currently in business for myself as a Proctologist. It’s a dirty job, but hey, somebody’s gotta do it! And don’t laugh! There’s good money in assholes and it’s a recession proof business, because the world is full of assholes, and everybody’s got one! Some people confuse me with being a writer or a comedian, but I think that’s just a silly rumor being spread around by silly people. (like myself, for example)
Hey, this is getting way too serious! I’ll put a stop to that right now!
Things I enjoy for recreation: Hiking and backpacking, (sex) canoeing and kayaking, (sex) scuba diving, (no, but it’s been done) traveling, especially to far away places, (sex) going to Fenway Park to watch the Boston Red Sox, (no way!) reading and creative writing, (maybe) Movies of all kinds, (sex after) going out for dinner, especially Indian and Japanese restaurants, (sex after) photography, (wife said NO!!!) bike riding, (too dangerous!) Rock n’ Roll shows, (sex after) cross country skiing in winter, (sex after! brrr!) and stand up comedy, both watching and performing, but no performing since the mid ’90s. But I’ve been thinking about performing again, so there could be an “open mike night” in my near future We’ll see… (learned that laughing and cracking jokes during sex, leads to NO sex!)
I also enjoy dressing up as Winston Churchill, Martha Stewart, or Lassie, depending on my mood.
Sorry, but I’m just not going to tell you what I enjoy most of all, because some things about a person’s life should stay personal, and that’s just the way it is! (SEX!)
Hey, I don’t know about you, but I’m starting to get sick of me… Maybe we’ve all had enough, and this is a good place to stop.
Amen, and please pass the mashed potatoes!