Deal With The Devil

I got a lot more sleep than usual last night, which is always a very good thing for me. I’ve been a chronic insomniac for most of my adult life, so feeling well rested has become an almost rare and unusual treat for me. And now I’m trying to remember just how it went, back when that I made that ill advised deal with the devil about sleep and sex.

I think that me and Satan were playing poker one night, and the match ended in a draw after we played until dawn. Lucifer said that he had to leave, or he’d be late for stealing the soul of some young guy who was destined to become a Wall Street hedge fund manager. But the Prince of Darkness was kinda pissed off about not being able to beat me, and irritably informed me that NO ONE ever played Five Card Stud with him, without there being some consequences!

So the devil told me that since he couldn’t beat me in poker, that for the rest of my life, I’d get twice as much sex as the average guy does. But since I couldn’t beat him, I’d only get half as much sleep as most people do. And I’ve been very tired, but also very sexually satisfied ever since.

But let me tell ya friends, it’s been a wonderful blessing and also a terrible curse – which is just what the devil intended for me. While it’s true that I’ve scored more tail than Mick Jagger, I’ve also spent many days wandering around in a sleep deprived daze, which can be a real drag. And sometimes the blessing of sex and the curse of insomnia interact together, and the end result can be very embarrassing. Like the night when my lover and I were goin’ at it hot and heavy, and I suddenly fell sound asleep in mid stroke.

At first, I almost scared the life out of that poor girl, cause she thought that I’d pulled a Nelson Rockefeller on her, and that I was dead!

A former U.S. Vice President, Rocky died in the saddle, and without his boots on.

But then I started to snore loudly, and she got very angry and woke me up when she yelled “Get OFF of ME!!!” And that was the last I ever saw of her.

A guy just doesn’t want to fall asleep on a woman like this! But I’ve enjoyed many others since, and endured many sleepless nights as well.

So guys, my advice to you is that if the devil ever invites you to play poker with him, don’t go for it, because the devil has lost only once in all of human history, and Daniel Webster was the only guy who could beat him. And don’t kid yourselves, because however good you think you are, you ain’t no Daniel Webster.

Daniel Webster – He kicked Satan’s ass and left him busted.

You’ll just end up losing the match and losing your soul. Or you’ll end up like me, with a very mixed blessing and a curse, and spend the rest of your life wondering whether it’s all been worth it.

But I do have to admit that it was an interesting night playing cards with Lucifer, cause he told me some cool stories. Like how he made a deal with Mick Jagger, and the deal was that Mick would become one of the most famous Rock stars of all time. But the down side was that Jagger would have to continue to perform as lead singer for the Rolling Stones until the end of time, and he’d end up looking so old and ancient, that paleontologists would want to study him, and declare him the world’s ugliest living human fossil.

And he’d also have to spend eternity with Keith Richards… But as we all know now, Jagger went for that deal BIG time, and now he’s paying the price.

Mick Jagger in his prime.

Jagger fossilized. I wonder if he’s feeling any sympathy for the devil, now that time is no longer on his side, and he really can’t get no satisfaction, cause his looks have been shattered, and some girls no longer want to start him up like they used to. He must feel like yesterday’s papers, and it’s enough to make a grown man cry.