Like most of you here, there are other places that I hang out online besides WP. I was on a certain message board the other night, and there was this one woman going on and on about how eating lots of celery will make a man’s “sexual essence” taste good. Celery, huh? I found this hard to believe, but I’m no expert on the subject.

But true or not, the whole thing just started to seem funny to me. I don’t always know when my sense of humor is gonna show up, or whether I’ll actually be funny when it does. But for better or worse, it showed up for “The Great Celery Debate”. Here’s what followed:

Well then… VIVE LE CELERY!!!

Celery??? Really? Why, I just had no idea!!! I’m surprised that some major pharmaceutical company hasn’t taken out a patent on celery extract in pill form and marketed it as a sexual enhancement miracle drug!

If they could convince most women that it really works, gross sales would rival the numbers for Viagra! And Big Pharma could charge almost as much for it as the same outrageously high price for Viagra!!!

Hmm… but they’d need a name for this new miracle drug, and an aggressive marketing campaign to get the word out!

Let’s see… They could call it… “Ben & Jerry’s Spunkelicious”. Use that positive association women have with ice cream!!!

Nah, Ben and Jerry probably wouldn’t think too much of a pharma corp ripping off their name and reputation as makers of delicious ice cream flavors, to market a product like this one. B & J are pretty mellow guys, but this one might provoke them to call their lawyers!

But wait a minute… Ben and Jerry would have no legal claim at all, if the product was named “BJ Spunkelicious”. YES!!! That name could move lots of product, and with no legal headaches! And with a name like that, almost everyone would know right away what the product is for!

Now I know the brand name is long and doesn’t exactly roll off the tongue – like the substance it will provide all natural taste enhancement for – but it doesn’t matter! Once the word is out as to what this stuff really does, it won’t matter how multi-syllabic it’s brand name is! It’s gonna become a multi-syllabic household word, with brand name recognition that will blow away the numbers for flippin’ Coca-Cola!!! Because soon there will be a bottle of “BJ Spunkelicious” pills in every nightstand in America!!! And soon after that… the entire world!

This isn’t just monkey shinola folks… This is HUGE!!! This is like the Apollo Space Program of pharmaceutical marketing, and we’re gonna ride this baby to the MOON!!!

Why, I’m feeling so inspired about this one, I’ve already got down what the trademarked logo will look like! Every bottle will be trademarked with a Swallow! A simply designed but instantly recognizable shape of the bird of the same name, with the long wing tips and long tips on either side of the tail! The Audubon people will be yelling out it’s name on sight!

And that light blue color that’s the same color as a certain little blue pill, ain’t no accident here, folks! This is true genius at work, and I ain’t ashamed to shout it from the rooftops!

Sure there might be some negative buzz from some uptight bird lovers about this kind of image usage, but they can just get back out in the field with their binoculars, (ever wonder what some of them are really looking at?) because no one, not even The Audubon Society can claim any legal grievance for a simplified symbol, that while it looks like a Swallow, never even has the name “Swallow” anywhere near it! Besides, even if we did use the name, which we won’t, let’s see anybody out there try and claim a pre-existing TM on the name of a songbird!

Any negative buzz from the birders or other wildlife and tree huggers that hits the media will just be good PR that works in our favor! Hell, I’ll even send ’em the headline to use!

“Bird Lovers Squawk In Anger at Sex Drug With Swallow On Label”

Now just try and tell me that when you see a headline like that, that you won’t be curious enough to read the article! Hell, that one’s such a slam dunk, we’ll just go ahead and write our own article and pay one of the big name media outlets to publish and post it! Can you say FOX?!?!

This is just getting too good to be true!!! Which is always a good sign when it comes to successful marketing! Okay, so we don’t have the ad slogan yet… I’m gonna let those young and brilliant minds in the Creative Dept take it from here, since I’ve already done 90% of their work for them! Nah, on second thought, I’ve already got the slogan!

“BJ SpunkeliciousMakes a Man’s Essence Taste Like Tupelo Honey!” 

And anybody who doesn’t think that this one’s a winner, is like the guy at Decca Records who didn’t offer The Beatles a contract in 1962, because “they have no real marketable talent.” And “guitar groups are on the way out.” Wonder what ever became of him… I mean, which circle of Hell do they put you in, after making a business misjudgment as humongously and historically bad as that one was?! Staggers the mind just to think about it!

Oh, by the way… if you’re wondering what I actually do for a living, when I’m not writing posts like this one? I’m a VP of Marketing for a very large world renowned advertising agency, based in NYC. It’s just one of those little coincidences… Lol :-) Okay, I’m not really a VP of Marketing anywhere. There’s far too many of those types in the world already, and for all our sakes, they don’t need any help from me!


About Chris Sheridan

I’m a 56 year old guy who is young (and immature) at heart, and I love humor and laughter. Married for 22 years, but still enjoy all the glories of womanhood everywhere, even while dedicated to one woman only - and I hope my wife never finds out about her!
This entry was posted in Humor and tagged , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

8 Responses to VIVE LE CELERY!!!

  1. It is entirely true.

    Having read about this in an article once I put my ex on an alkaline diet to test and s… wait .. if I finish this you’re gonna know I did disgraceful things. I’ll stop before it’s too late!!!


    Also the reverse is true, a man who drinks whisky (sour) is “obvious” at certain times.. shall we say.. :-p

    • You say that “It is entirely true.”??? Well in that case, since you obviously speak as one who knows… my “stalk” is now going to be a “Celery Stalk”! And suddenly, a fresh salad has never sounded so sexy to me! LOL ;-) Can’t wait to tell the Missus about THIS!!! :-)

  2. What will you do if she tells you to just leaf her alone .. ;-)

    • Well, this past Halloween she wore a fig leaf as part of her scantily clad sexy costume, and after we got home from a night of drinking and partying, she sure didn’t want me to leave her leaf alone then, and she doesn’t now, so I’m not concerned. ;-) Oh, and you’ve got a little drip of something there on your chin… Hey, better for me to notice than your date, right? Cause that’s what good friends like me are for! Lol :-)

  3. The swallow… OMG! ROTFLMAO! “Ladies, don’t get punked without the spunk. It’s good to the last drop.” Oh, wait… that one is already taken.

    • Thank you Michelle! I’m enjoying your enjoyment! :-) I also like your line just fine too! Lol – Oh and don’t worry about the last one being taken, because there’s always more where that came from! ;-)

  4. greatmartin says:

    For what it is worth the first diet book I wrote for Weight Watchers was called “If Celery Tasted Like Chocolate We Would All Be Thin”–didn’t help my sex life but then I never had a problem in that area–and I will be nice and not say anything ‘my “stalk” is now going to be a “Celery Stalk”!’ and I could say A LOT of gay things but I won’t–I won’t–I won’t (someone told me I have to be nice with my birthday coming up and with me expecting gifts and I DON’T NEED?WANT?MEAN celery stalks!!!

    • Great title Martin! And so true too! But now I’m not sure which seems more unnatural to me… You being salacious and suggestively lewd as only you can be, or you trying to be nice… I think that you being nice seems more unnaturally unnatural to me, so feel free to swing for the fences, Martin! Lol ;-)

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