I don’t like shopping for clothes. It’s just not my favorite thing to do. Unless… it’s one of those infrequent occasions that my wife goes shopping and I go with her, which I actually kinda enjoy. It’s not like my wife says “Hey Chris! Wanna go shopping?” It is more like we’re out doing other things and suddenly we’re right next to a place that sells womens clothing and she asks if I’m okay with going in cause she needs a few things.
I kinda like helping her pick out clothing that she looks really nice in, and it’s fun to wait near the fitting rooms and see her come out wearing something new, and ask me what I think about how it looks on her. I actually find this even kinda relaxing, and it always brings back a very fond memory of when she and I were younger, and we did some fooling around in the fitting room, in a store that was almost empty and ready to close for the night. ;-)
But there was one shopping trip with her, that I did not enjoy at all. She was shopping for bras. This was a long time ago, and at the time, I had no idea how hard it can be for women to find a bra that fits and fits comfortably. So I waited, while she tried on many, many bras. She kinda got carried away with her bra selection, and she kept coming out to me and handing me a bra, asking me “Could you hold onto this for me?”
I was okay with the first 3-4 times she did this, but after the 8th time, my patience and my mood was rapidly deteriorating. We’d been there for almost an hour and a half, and I was starting to feel ridiculous, as this guy standing in the middle the lingerie dept alone, and holding all these bras.
But the last straw was when this woman saw me, and gave me the dirtiest of looks, as though I was some kind of sicko pervert. Now I wouldn’t have said anything to her, if she had given me her evil eye just once, or even twice… But after the third time she stared at me like I was human filth, I was very insulted and I couldn’t let it go without firing back. “Lady, the reason I am standing here looking like a human bra rack, is because my wife is shopping for bras! So just take your dirty looks along with your filthy mind out of my sight, and keep your eyes to yourself!”
Yeah, I know… I guess that wasn’t cool, and I could have handled it better than I did. But what she made so obvious that she was thinking about me, just made me kinda lose it. And when her eyes blazed furiously back at me as she quickly hurried away, I figured that there was a high probability that security would soon be paying me an unpleasant visit. So I marched right up to near the fitting room Jean was in, and said firmly “Pack it up, Jean. It’s time to get out of here.” At first she was irritated with me, but after I told her what happened, she was with me 100% and said emphatically that she would set things straight with security herself, if they showed up. And if “that twisted woman” dared to show up, she’d really give HER a piece of her mind!
I answered that this was a no win situation for me, and that in security’s eyes, a very upset woman would always a trump a guy who made an offensive comment to her while fondling many bras in front of her, which would be what she would tell security, or maybe a much worse and even more grossly exaggerated version of what really happened.
I was NOT doing anything like this!
Jean answered that we shouldn’t be chased out of the store, when we had done nothing wrong. I said that my comment to the woman would still be judged as wrong, even if justified, and I would be seen as the problem here by security, and a problem that they would solve by removing me from the store. And besides, we’d been here for almost two hours now, and I wanted to get out of here and get on with my life! She started to see things my way.
So we left very quickly, and in spite of Jean’s objections, I bought five bras and matching panties for her… in the automotive supply and tools dept. I wanted to get as far away from womens wear as possible, to at least have a chance of avoiding a confrontation with security, or maybe even the cops at this point. When Jean saw us getting closer to check out in the auto supply and tools dept, she complained that “this is embarrassing”. I shot back “You’re embarrassed?! I’ll trade you my embarrassment here today for yours in a heart beat!” And then I suggested that she could just go to the car and wait for me there.
But to her credit, she insisted on staying near me, in case security showed up, so she could defend me. So she hung back in an isle close by, pretending to be very interested in spark plugs, while I walked up to the cash register and presented the guy at the register with five bras and matching panties. He immediately grinned at me and said “Now that’s different. We don’t see a lot of these here.” I was quick to reply “I don’t doubt it.”
He smiled again and with deviltry in his eyes, he said “But you do have a very nice selection here, and I’m sure that all five of your women will really like them.” I laughed and with a broad smile, I answered “Thanks Man. Thanks for the laugh, because you have no idea how much I needed one right now. But there is only one woman, and that’s a good thing, because right now I feel like trying to deal with five of them would put me in an early grave!” He laughed and added “I guess it’s been a tough time for you today over in womens wear.” I replied “You have no idea!”
He laughed again, and said “Well anytime you have a bad experience like that, just come on over to automotive and I know that you’ll start to feel better. It’s unnatural and disturbing for you to be over there, and this is where you’ll feel at peace again.” I laughed and said “I think you are absolutely right and thank you for being here for me.” And then I noticed something… Studying his face, I said “You look very familiar to me… in fact, I know I’ve seen you before. Now why would that be?”
He smiled broadly and said “Does ‘Catch A Rising Star’ ring a bell, Chris?” My eyes grew wide and I almost shouted “Of Course! You’re a stand up comic and I’ve seen you at the club!”
He laughed and replied “And you’re a stand up comic and I’ve seen you at the club! And I hope you appreciate how nice I’m being to you right now, cause the last time I saw you, you followed me and made my act look like shit! And here I thought I was doing well!” I answered “As long as they’re laughing, you are doing well.” He said, “True, but what good is it if no one remembers it? Because after you came on, they all forgot about me. Hell, even you can’t remember me!”
I sighed and said “Sorry Man, it sure wasn’t intentional.” He shot back, “Yeah, that’s what they all say! But there is a way that you could make it up to me.” “How so?” I asked. He answered “Could I use this little scenario here about a guy buying bras and panties in the automotive dept in my act? I think it’s got potential.”
But suddenly we were interrupted by a loud and angry voice yelling “Could you two love birds just shut the fuck up so we can get outta here?!” While lost in our comic reunion, a line of eight guys had formed behind me, and they clearly weren’t happy about their increasingly long wait. As my comic friend very quickly rang up my sale and bagged it, he muttered “Damn hecklers! Let’s see them get up here and do this!”
I quickly moved away from the register, but stopped and turned towards my buddy and said “You know what you asked me? Run with it!” Smiling, he waved his arm forward at me and exclaimed in mock anger “Get outta here before you get me fired, Chris!” Realizing that this could be more a reality than just a joke, I said “See ya at the club, friend!” and then I made a fast retreat. Security? They clearly weren’t coming after me, or they would have nailed me halfway through the conversation with my fellow comic. Talk about losing focus on priorities!
Jean ran to catch up with me, grabbed my arm and said “Who was that guy? You guys were talking forever!” “Just a co-worker from “Catch A Rising Star” I answered. “We were taking about some new material.” Jean rolled her eyes and said “Of course! Another comic! No wonder you two couldn’t shut up. Didn’t you see the line? And what about security? I thought you wanted to get out of here as fast as we could, so they wouldn’t catch up with you?”
“All valid points my Love,” I replied with a smile. “I guess we were just caught up in the moment.” Jean shot back “Well I was caught up in waiting for you forever!” Refusing to be drawn into an argument now that I was in a good mood again, I smiled at her and said “I know just how you feel, my Love. I know just how you feel.” She was on the verge of saying something back to me, thought better of it, and instead exclaimed “Whatever, Chris! Whatever…”
But she did pick out a very nice selection of bras and panties… And that night, I really did enjoy it when she modeled her new lingerie for me, without a changing room. Married life has it’s advantages and disadvantages. It has it’s ups and downs. But as long as I’m getting up more than I’m getting down, I will continue to be a happily married man. ;-)