Actual Newspaper Headlines

Actual Newspaper Headlines (collected by journalists)

The following are actual newspaper headlines that have been collected by veteran reporters and editors working for The Associated Press. The headlines are in bold print and the comments in parentheses are mine. Hope that you enjoy! – Chris

 Something Went Wrong In Jet Crash, Expert Says
(Well thank God we have experts, because how else would we know?)

Police Begin Campaign To Run Down Jaywalkers
(Ah yes… the highly controversial Jaywalker culling program. I hear they might try it with deer too.)

Drunk Gets Nine Months In Violin Case
(Well I’ve heard about overcrowding in prisons, but this is ridiculous!)

Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
(Those IED explosions cause some serious mayhem!)

Is There A Ring Of Debris Around Uranus?
(Try reading this one out loud to the person sitting next to you on the bus.)

Prostitutes Appeal To Pope
(Which is just SO much better than… nope, not goin’ there!)

Soviet Virgin Lands Short Of Goal Again
(Well instead of trying to land on it with the Pole Vault, maybe she should just try the missionary position. It’s much easier for beginners.)

British Left Waffles On Falkland Islands
(Oh bloody Hell! Now we must turn Her Majesty’s Royal Navy round, and sail 7,900 miles back to get them!)

Never Withhold Herpes Infection From Loved One
(Give her the gift that will last a lifetime… She’ll never forget you!)

There! That should help to get rid of the bugs. Sorry about that!

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Shot Off Woman’s Leg Helps Nicklaus to 66
(Well if using a shot off woman’s leg is such a big advantage, then all the other golfers should be able to use one too!)

Juvenile Court To Try Shooting Defendant
(I guess nothing else was working with that kid!)

Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim
(Cause he was an asshole and no one liked him anyway!)

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Cold Wave Linked To Temperatures
(And with valuable information like that, this is why everyone should watch The Weather Channel!)

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Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge
(Just when you thought that cheap construction couldn’t get any worse!)

Deer Kill 17,000
(And to think that people were pissed off at them when they ran in front of cars and ruined flower gardens! But THIS is clearly the work of Islamic Radical Jihadist terrorist deer!!! Lock ‘n load, everybody! Bambi must DIE!!!)

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Man Struck By Lightning Faces Battery Charge
(Hey, after being struck by lightning, a battery charge probably just tickles a little bit.)

Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
(But aren’t they high in fat content?)

Arson Suspect Is Held In Massachusetts Fire
(Well at least the punishment fits the crime. Do they still burn witches there too?)

Miners Refuse to Work After Death

(And did Management declare a lockout at the cemetery?)

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Panda Mating Fails: Veterinarian Takes Over

(Now that is one determined vet! But I wonder who the baby will look like?)