Ridiculous Christmas Gifts and Accidental Floor Cleaning

My Aunt is a curious woman… She has the ability to give very thoughtful and wonderful Christmas gifts that are perfect for the recipient. But at least once every year, her mind short circuits and she gives someone a gift that is just inexplicably weird. I’d understand if she was doing it on purpose, and it was meant to be a joke – but she never intends it that way.

My wife was on the receiving end this year… My Aunt gave her a very large, thick vest with roughly sewn animal hides on the outside, and sheep fleece on the inside. It looked like something our prehistoric ancestors wore, back in the Neanderthal era. When my wife tried it on, it was all I could do, to not burst out laughing!

I’ve seen similar vests before, but they were being worn by construction workers, very large male bikers, and Grizzly Adams.

On my slender framed and willowy wife, it just looked hysterically ridiculous! While I did control myself enough to not burst out laughing, I couldn’t help commenting “Why Jean, when I see you wearing that, I just suddenly have this primal urge to drag you by the hair into our cave.” To which my wife quickly shot back “Or maybe I can drag you around by something instead.”

“We can take turns.” I answered with a smirk.

“Do you like it, Dear?” my Aunt asked, with an oblivious smile.
“Of course!” exclaimed my wife. “It’s very, very… uhh, Warm!” Other family members are now struggling mightily to keep their composure… :-)

‘Nice recovery there, Jean.’ I thought to myself. It’s been unseasonably warm this winter instead of the bone chilling cold we had to deal with around here last year. So I have no idea what possessed my Aunt to buy my wife an Ice Age vest.

But now maybe there’s some possibilities here that I’ve overlooked. Maybe if we took the Ice Age vest to a tailor, we could have it reworked into something more practical and visually pleasing, like this:

 

Now that’s more like it!  ;-)

**************************************

Early this morning, just after I woke up, I washed the kitchen floor. But I didn’t mean to… It was an accident! No, not that kind of accident! My aim is true, and I can always make it to the bathroom in time!

My wife had thrown out some faded flowers that I gave her several days ago, but I guess she got distracted and left the vase full of water on the kitchen counter. So in my early AM haze, I managed to knock it over while trying to reach behind it to grab the coffee grinder. (of course!) The glass vase didn’t break, because I broke it’s fall with my bare foot. I don’t think my foot broke, but it sure hurt like hell, because that vase was kinda heavy!

Now I didn’t need any coffee to wake up, because I was in some serious pain, and suddenly very animated, as I hopped around on one leg and filled the air with a blue streak of very loud and emphatic curses!

And then there was the flood… For what seemed like not a real large volume of water in that vase, it still managed to flow everywhere and almost completely covered the kitchen floor. As I continued to hop around trying to shake off the pain in my wounded foot, I was splashing in it, and almost slipped and fell down. But I grabbed the kitchen counter and managed to keep my balance, while also resisting the urge to grab a large cooking pot and fling it hard against the wall.

The hopping was finally reduced to limping, and the loud furious cursing settled down into resentful muttering, as I hobbled across our new kitchen waterway to grab a mop.

But limping and mopping, and mopping and limping, I managed to do a very thorough clean up job, and even added some Spic ‘n Span, since hey, I was going through the motions of washing the floor anyway, and figured I might as well do it right.

Just as I was finishing up, my wife appeared in the kitchen entrance half asleep, blinked her eyes in surprise, and exclaimed “Chris! I can’t believe you’re washing the kitchen floor! You’re wonderful!”

“Don’t mention it…” I answered, sounding sullen and irritable.

Still in an early morning fog, my wife reflexively blurted back, “I’m sorry!” even though she didn’t know what she was sorry for… This softened my gaze as well as my heart. There was no reason for her to be sorry – I was the bumbling pre-coffee zombie who knocked over the vase, not her.

So I limped across our freshly washed, immaculately clean Good Housekeeping Seal of Approval kitchen floor… and gave her a big hug.

So how has your day been?

 

About Chris Sheridan

I’m a 56 year old guy who is young (and immature) at heart, and I love humor and laughter. Married for 22 years, but still enjoy all the glories of womanhood everywhere, even while dedicated to one woman only - and I hope my wife never finds out about her!
This entry was posted in Humor and tagged , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

6 Responses to Ridiculous Christmas Gifts and Accidental Floor Cleaning

  1. Ummmm… I have a kitchen floor that could stand to be mopped. And I’ll spare you the vase on the foot! :)

    • Such a deal! But now let’s be real here… what you really want is the big hug, right? Hey, no problem! I’ll give you one right now. {{{{{{{{{{Michelle}}}}}}}}}}}
      Mmmm… I hope you enjoyed that as much as I did! :-)

      • Thanks! I needed that. Dealing with some real doozies here at work today. Not co-workers, but soccer parents trying to book rooms in their blocks for a tournament.

        • You are most welcome! :-) And you’re dealing with soccer parents? Hopefully soon they’ll stop helicoptering around and making you dizzy, and you’ll get some peace instead. Good luck with that.

  2. benzeknees says:

    I have some floors in need of a mop – so all it takes is a vase of water spilled on the floor? I’ll do the spilling if you do the mopping! Have a great day!

    • You too? All this mopping is gonna end up wearing me out! And then what good will I be? Lol ;-)
      Please also have a great day or night or whatever it is for you right now, and TY for stopping by!

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