There’s something troubling on my mind today, and I’m just having a hard time shaking it. I’m feeling guilty about something I did, even though what I did happened 30 years ago.
But since my remorse seems relentless, I’ve decided that I must make a public confession of my wrong doing, and then make an apology for it.
I wasn’t going to make this public confession, and it is still against my better judgment to do so, because it doesn’t make me look very good. But what happened was a long time ago, and I was different then, than I am now.
Two years after our graduation, a group of guys that I knew in college organized a trip to Daytona Beach, Florida, and they invited me to go with them. In addition to lots of time on the beaches and enjoying the nightlife in the clubs, we also made a trip to Orlando and went to Disney World just for kicks.
We were there on the day of my 25th birthday, so as an outrageous joke to bust my balls, they set up a kids style surprise Disney World birthday party for me. I was quite drunk at the time, and even though the joke was on me, I just rolled with it and enjoyed it.
At one point during the party, Minnie Mouse came in and sat on my lap while putting her arms around me. In my quite drunken state, I began to wonder if this person wearing the red and white polka dot dress, black tights, and a giant mouse head, was actually a female. I was more curious than concerned, but I was curious enough to use my hand to try and verify Minnie’s true gender, so I gave her (?) a little squeeze in the chest area.
My hand found what felt like familiar female anatomy, and at almost at the very same instant, Minnie Mouse’s white gloved hand gave me a quick slap across my face. But at least I knew that Minnie Mouse was most definitely female, as she jumped off my lap and hurried out of the room. In hind sight, maybe I should have just asked her…
I still think that some of the blame is on my friends for poor planning, because when looking like this, how could I really know if Minnie Mouse was actually a female?
If my friends had really wanted me to have a happy birthday, and also leave no doubts in my mind about her true gender, they would have made arrangements for Minnie Mouse to be dressed like this.
Even with the giant mouse head, the question of whether or not this Minnie Mouse was female, would have never even crossed my mind, and all this unpleasantness could have been avoided.
Ten minutes later, Disney security was on the scene and they told us the party was over, and it was time for us to leave. We were being booted out of their Magic Kingdom, because I had groped Minnie Mouse, and I’m sure that if we hadn’t left right away, that Mickey would have burst through the doorway and furiously kicked my ass!
Disney tried to keep it a secret that Mickey had a serious problem with steroid abuse and “Roid Rage” but the truth eventually leaked out, and The National Enquirer broke the story wide open.
So if through some miracle of probability, and against incredibly high odds, the woman who was Minnie Mouse that day when I offended her, if you are reading this… I want you to know that I am genuinely sorry for what I did.
I wish that instead of sending you in as Minnie Mouse to sit on my drunken lap, it had been a guy dressed up as Porky Pig, because that’s what I really deserved, and you deserved so much better than me!