No, really… I’m not just kidding around here! I am seriously buzzed on one of my biggest caffeine overdoses ever! I have an extremely high capacity to function somewhat normally on levels of caffeine so high, that if the average person had that much caffeine in their system, they would immediately collapse and go into convulsions.
Me? I just give up sleep for a couple days, and talk a mile a minute nonstop until people in the room with me can’t take it anymore and leave. Then I write 2,000 word replies to comments on my blog posts, and gawd only knows how much I’ll write here on an actual post, if I’m good for a 2,000 word reply to just one comment on one of my posts!
I also yell very loudly at the TV while watching the news and one of the TV news people says something stupid and ridiculous. Since TV news people say stupid and ridiculous things quite frequently these days, I have to yell loudly at the TV just as frequently, and it gives my wife a headache, so she takes off and goes to her friend’s house for a while.
Since early this morning, I drank down four Starbucks Venti Bold Black Eyes, and I’m now working on a 5th one. For those of you who don’t know, one Venti Bold Black Eye is 20 fluid ounces of Starbucks’ strongest coffee, combined with two shots of espresso. Believe me when I tell you that just one of these high octane coffee concoctions will cause an industrial strength caffeine buzz.
So four of these, with each one loaded with a double shot of espresso is a LOT of friggin’ coffee, and a MEGA-dose of caffeine!!!
Simple arithmetic tells us that four Venti Bold Black Eyes amount to 80 fluid ounces of Starbucks strongest coffee, or over half a gallon, and 8 shots of expresso. Friends, please do NOT attempt to duplicate my coffee consumption yourselves. You do not have my freakish physiology, and if YOU drink over half a gallon of Starbucks strongest coffee along with 8 shots of expresso, you will not be sitting in front of your keyboard and writing a blog post, like I am right now.
How do I know this? Because the last guy to try it, climbed two stories up the side of his house, without a ladder, because he was so caffeinated that he was literally climbing the walls, and he spent the next 12 straight hours tearing all the shingles off of his entire roof, with his bare hands, because he suddenly decided that he really hated that slate grey color! And it absolutely HAD to GO!!!
After the police and fire dept finally got him down off of his now formerly slate grey shingled roof which he had made totally shingleless, after ripping up all of his shingles and leaving his slate grey shingles in shambles on the ground in a big pile where he threw them down, he HAD to GO to McLean Hospital, which around here, is the name of the local mental hospital, and he didn’t come home until three months later!
Trying to tie or beat my record for highest blood/caffeine concentration went very badly for him, and the same thing could happen to you. Don’t do it!
So please… please! Do NOT get all macho on me here, and think that you’ve got something to prove! This is not a pissing contest, although if we did have some contestants each drink over half a gallon of coffee, we could have a very long and really awesome pissing contest! But no, that is NOT a good idea, as much as I’d really like to try it, and we just don’t need people getting all aggressive and macho in this instance. Yes, that means you too, ladies – because yes, you can also act macho in these days of increasing gender equality and I know, cause I’ve seen some of you act more macho than a lot of guys that I know.
What? You thought you could take up an aggressive physical activity like kick boxing, and there wouldn’t be any side effects? Cummon! Fighting is all about aggression and being macho, and yes, kick boxing is still fighting, even when it’s a woman who is doing it.
This woman used to be very petite and feminine, with a kind and gentle nature. Until she totally immersed herself into Kick Boxing, and she soon became so aggressive and macho, that her friends and family can hardly believe that she is still the same person that they used to know. Her battered ex-boyfriend has been granted a restraining order to keep her away from him.
So yes, you women can end up getting macho without testicles or a male level dose of testosterone, because kick boxing is fighting, and don’t be surprised when your passive aggression suddenly turns into full blown macho aggression, and you suddenly really want to have anal sex with your husband or boyfriend, except that now what you really want, is to do him, while you wear an 8 inch strap on!
Just don’t be surprised when you tell him that’s what you really want to do, and suddenly he’s not so eager to have anal sex now like he was before, and he’s not even close to being as excited about doing it this time, as he was when he really wanted to do it the last time. He starts giving you all the same reasons why he doesn’t want to do it now, that you gave him, when he wanted to do it the last time! Believe me, when I say that your newly aggressive and macho approach to anal sex, will change his entire perspective on anal sex, to what your perspective was before, until all those aggressive kick boxing workouts made you turn macho. Yes, it does happen, so don’t think it can’t happen to you…
So again. please do NOT even think about trying to drink 8 shots of espresso mixed with over half a gallon of Starbucks’ strongest coffee, or .625 gallons to be exact – and yes, I did just do the decimal conversion in my head, because my brain synapses are firing 10 times faster than normal, and I’m now a super-caffeinated Idiot Savant Math genius.
I should take the MENSA test online right now. I’d probably set a new record for the highest score ever! Hey, if Steve Martin can get into MENSA then it can’t be THAT hard! But no offense intended, MENSA people! And how come the Mega-IQ women don’t start a super smart womens’ club of their own, called WOMENSA, Huh??? Haven’t you ladies had enough of the MEN taking ALL the credit, when we all know that collectively, women are much smarter than men??? Huh??? (I’m yelling this out loud, and very loud as I’m typing it – My wife just came home from her friend’s house, but she immediately left again.)
Yeah, that’s right! I said it! I admitted it! The women are smarter!!! (Except when they marry us – Love isn’t blind; it’s stupid!) The women are smarter, and as a man, I can deal with that, and I’ve got no problem with admitting it.
That’s because there’s no shame in it, because I know that I suffer from a serious birth defect universally common in my gender, that often makes me pretty damn stoopid. What is my birth defect that is common in all men? I was born male! I was at an immediate disadvantage as soon as I was born! And as soon as they cut the umbilical cord, my IQ potential started to go down immediately, because I no longer had Mom’s blood supply to keep me as smart as she was! Seriously!
So there’s no shame in that! It was an accident of birth and not MY fault that I was born male! No, that was my Dad’s fault, cause unlike King Henry the 8th, we now know which gender has a bigger influence on whether a pregnant woman pops out a son or a daughter when she gives birth. Unlike Henry, who was sooo stoopid, that he kept lopping off the heads of his wives because he thought that it was his wife’s fault when she gave birth to a daughter instead the son he wanted. But it was really him and his stoopid sperm cells that were screwing up those X and Y chromosomal combinations, and causing Repetitive Daughter Syndrome.
But here’s how King Henry the 8th was the most stoopid of all, along with all the other stoopid men of his time… It was his DAUGHTER Elizabeth, who became one of the greatest Monarchs in the entire history of England!!! Not his wimpy little son Edward… No, it was his DAUGHTER Elizabeth who was really the most worthy and capable ruler to carry on as his Royal Heir. But did Henry know that? NOOO!!! Cause he was stoopid, and too dumb to know that he should really want a daughter for his Royal Heir to the Throne, instead of a son. Because the women really are smarter and men are all born with the serious birth defect of being born male!
But what would you expect from a guy like Henry, who was sooo stoopid, that even when he was lucky enough to marry the very charming, witty, highly intelligent and very sexy Anne Boleyn, what did Henry go and do??? Because his wife couldn’t give birth to a son who would be Henry’s Royal Heir to the Throne, he took the most intelligent woman in his court, and he had her head chopped off! It doesn’t get any more stoopid than that! He finds and marries an intelligent woman, and then he gets mad at her, loses his head and chops off hers! No wonder that to this day, intelligent women still tend to feel that some men are threatened by a woman’s intelligence, to the point of being hostile to her because of her intelligence.
Henry just didn’t deserve to marry a woman as fine as Anne Boleyn. She was smokin’ hot and if I had lived in 16th century England, I would have done her in a heartbeat! But it’s just as well that I didn’t get my chance to make it with that hot Boleyn Babe, cause Henry would have found out and had me drawn and quartered!
Which was a very bad way to die, because there were no laws against cruel and unusual punishment in 16th century England, and in fact, they just loved a really gruesome cruel and unusual execution! Like tying each of the condemned man’s arms and legs to four very large horses, and then causing the horses to all run away in opposite directions. This resulted in a horrible death for the victim, as his body was “drawn” and then literally pulled apart into “quarters”.
But having been born male, I would have been too stoopid to let the prospect of such a horrible death stop me from scoring with Henry’s wife and then incurring his deadly wrath.
A supposedly authentic painting of Anne Boleyn, but obviously painted by a very BAD artist with very little artistic talent.
I know that this is not really what Anne Boleyn looked like at all, because thanks to the people at Showtime, who are always 100% historically accurate, I know that Anne Boleyn really looked like this:
So yes, she was truly a smokin’ hot Babe!
And because my imagination is just as historically accurate as the people at Showtime are…
I know with absolute certainty that this is what Anne Boleyn and I would look like together.
But being born with the serious birth defect of being born male, I would have been too stoopid to realize what an incredibly BAD idea it would be, to fool around with the Queen of England while she was married to Henry, who was well known for being a ruthless tyrant with a terrible temper!!! But none of this would have occurred to me, because all I would be able to think about, would be getting under that hot Boleyn Babe’s eight layers of petty-coats and driving straight for the Royal Muff!
Now this would not have been easy, because one of the most difficult things about having sex with a hot Babe like Anne Boleyn back then, was not getting her into bed, but getting her undressed!
Because women wore ten times as much clothing back in 16th century England, than what women wear today!
But I would have been undeterred by having to remove all those layers, because of my intensely hot and passionate desire for a woman as hot as Anne Boleyn…
And even all THIS would not have stopped me!!!
Almost there, baby… almost there!!!
And that would be the last stoopid mistake that I’d ever make, because it would have been a fatally stoopid mistake! I’d have won a Darwin Award for sure, if it wasn’t for the fact that Charles Darwin wouldn’t be born until over 300 years later… and the Darwin Awards wouldn’t come out for another 160 years after that… But hey, I would have still deserved a Darwin Award if they were around back then, for being stoopid enough to get it on with Anne Boleyn, while she was married to a violent and homicidal maniac who was so bat shit crazy, that he thought he was the freakin’ King of England!!!
Which is the real story of how Henry actually became the King of England, and NOT what they wrote in all the history books. Henry was a violently delusional psychotic and his first real job was working as a bouncer at The Tower of London Pub, which was the toughest pub in all of 16th century England and there were big fights there almost every night… Except the nights when Henry was working – cause if anybody was stoopid enough to be a problem and piss Henry off, he didn’t bother with throwing the guy out… He’d grab a big freakin’ axe and chop the guy’s head off with one big swing!
Problem solved! Permanently! And a terrifying example made of the now headless, very bloody and dead body of the no longer a problem guy, right in front of the other potential problem causing guys, who although they were stoopid, after they saw that kind evil shit go down, they weren’t stoopid enough to fuck with Henry on the nights when he was working.
So Henry got such a terrifying reputation as a bouncer, that one night when he had a major psychotic episode, and he became so severely delusional, that he thought he was really the King of England, everybody was too scared shitless to tell him he was wrong!!! They were all so scared of Henry, that they let him think he was the King of England for the next 38 years until he was dead!
Henry on the night that he became severely delusional and he thought that he really was the King of England, so he dressed up for what he thought was his true identity.
Actually, there was one man who was very drunk, and when he saw Henry and heard him say “I am the King of England!” the drunken man replied “And I must be the Fucking King of France now! Or maybe I am just the Fucking of France, since I did spend many nights knowing the fleshly pleasures of many French harlots, during my last journey there… So thou must be the King of England while I shall remain ‘The Fucking of France’, and I think my title to be far preferable to yours, as I really did know much great pleasure during my fucking of France, but thou art one who would appear to have much experience with the buggering of old men and sheep, oh mighty King of England!”
The drunken man then laughed loudly and derisively in Henry’s face. Henry’s huge axe was close at hand and with one great and sweeping swing, the man laughed no more, for he had laughed his last – just before his severed and bloody head flew across the pub and smashed into a wall. For all of the next 38 years, not one single soul did ever dare to question or cast doubt upon the legitimacy of the King of England, Henry the 8th.
And THAT is the REAL story of how Henry the 8th became the King of England. It’s the absolute truth, and the kind of straight story that you’ll only get from me, when you read it here. Because this kind of knowledge and hard hitting truth, just doesn’t exist anywhere else, and it never will!