Thank GOD the Presidential Election is OVER!!!
Because I was stressed out over the outcome for over a month, and my sense humor all but vanished – at least in my writing here, cause I’m a much funnier guy live and in person.
People laugh at me just by looking at me, because I’m funny looking! Hey, I can’t help the way that I was born, or certain tendencies of previous generations in my extended family. I can’t help it if some of my relatives took things much farther than just being “kissing cousins”. I wasn’t the one responsible for combining lots of recessive genes that should have never come together!
It was some of my blood relations who came together, and they should have known better!
But at least I didn’t end up like my cousin Jerry… This is Jerry on Easter Morning, dressed up in what he thought was his Easter Morning Sunday best. Jerry is a pretty nice guy and easy to get along with, but sometimes he can get kinda confused. Jerry thought that Aunt Martha’s paisley floral patterned pants were really his cammo fatigues, and he was wearing Uncle Fred’s hunting shirt wrapped around his shoulders like Grandma’s shawl. Nobody knows where he got that orange tiger striped thing he wore like a vest, but it may have come from the Goodwill box next to “The Foxy Lady” strip club.
I think that Jerry’s mind may have mixed both Halloween and Easter together as the same occasion, because he loves candy, and he gets candy on both special dates. But however confused Jerry gets, he’s still harmless, and no more of a threat than that big sword he’s brandishing here in this picture, which is made of plastic.
So it was really no big problem when he showed up at church for the Easter Sunday service looking the way he did, since he did no more harm than causing his folks some embarrassment, and he caused a lot of gossip within the church congregation. Those church folks get very bored, since there isn’t very much excitement in their little one stop light town. Jerry was some free entertainment, and he gave them something different to talk about for a change.
So even though it’s true that I’m funny looking, I still feel very fortunate whenever I think of my cousin Jerry, and I’m thankful that at least I’m able to tell the difference between Halloween and Easter.
Many years ago I decided that since I was funny looking to begin with, I should just go with it, and try to look even funnier. I’m almost 56 years old now and I’ve spent many years going to great lengths to achieve a maximum level of funniness in my style, to maximize the unnaturally natural funniness I was born with, and I think that I’ve succeeded.
It’s not my fault that I’m the result of previous family generations who engaged in unnatural acts with each other, and procreated the strange and funny looking generations that followed. So I just have fun with it, and I’ve done my best to turn my inbred and funny looking appearance into a very positive asset. And yeah, I’m a real man, and real men wear pink. I’m quite secure in my masculine identity, so I’m fine with going pink, and I like it.
If anybody’s got a problem with that, well that’s their problem and not mine, and I’m not gonna lose any sleep over it.
In the former days of the National Hockey League, they used to say that “A tie is like kissing your sister.” because winning the game was so much better. But my family ties were tying their sisters to the bed and doing far more than just kissing her!
Which is why I’m funny looking to begin with, and most people laugh as soon as they see me. But I don’t mind, because I enjoy making people laugh, even at my expense. I also don’t mind being funny looking, because I’m also a handsome, hunky, and very sexy man. At least I think so… and I’ve gotten lots of positive validation that this is true, from members of the fair sex who have been very glad to have known me. This is because even though I’m funny looking, I’m also very charming and amusing, as well as a very good listener while being sensitive and compassionate.
A little known fact is that during my late 20s I lived in England and I was a male fashion model working in London. This photo is of me from a shoot for a public awareness campaign to reduce litter and recycle plastic bottles. I’m proud to say that I was also the one who came up with the concept and the caption. Hey, just because I was a male fashion model, don’t take me for an airhead like Zoolander. Did Zoolander have a blog on WordPress? I don’t think so!
What do you mean he was just a fictional character in a movie? And who the hell is Ben Stiller? You’re just puttin’ me on, and also wasting your time trying to get me to believe that kind of nonsense! It’s just not gonna happen. Nope, not with me, so nice try! And you can try again as much as you want to, cause you’ll just end up getting nowhere with me, and that’s all there is to it! Ask my wife – she’ll tell you…
Another big reason for why I’ve been popular with women, is that when I need extra support for my manhood, a jock strap is insufficient. Because the gun that I’m packing needs a large “inside the thigh” holster. (which also tends to make me funny looking) And yes, I do know how to use my big gun, with all the talent and skill of an experienced expert.
But having a big gun is only just part of my package. Because from puberty right up to this very day, I’ve always considered my sexual education to be a continuous ongoing education in which I never stop learning how to be an even better lover than I already am. A man doesn’t bring as many women as I have, into a state of Sexual Nirvana without being dedicated to a never ending quest for sexual perfection. In addition to thousands of hours of field research, I’ve read all the very best scientific papers, magazine articles and books during my life long pursuit of sexual excellence.
This book is one of the very best ever written on the subject, and I highly recommend it.
Anybody wanna take bets on there being a book already written, or soon to be written, called “The Complete Idiot’s Guide to Being a Complete Idiot”? If not already published, I am certain that the publication of this book is inevitable, and it will be a huge best seller. Just consider the massively huge size of the target market – It’s a no brainer!
What? You don’t believe that I have brought many women into a state of Sexual Nirvana? Well, since I’m married and 100% faithful to my wife, it’s a moot point whether or not you believe me, if you are a woman. And if you are a guy, well let’s not even waste our breath with an even more pointless discussion. Cause sorry dudes… even if I wasn’t married and I was available, I’d still be unattainable for you. So game over and end of story. Yeah, I know it’s hard… But it’s not hard for you, and you’ll just have to get over it.
But whether I’m believed or unbelievable, I know the truth is that for the last 30 years my lovers have always come first in my life, because I have mastered complete control over when I cum, and I never cum until after my lovers have cum first, and often more than once or twice. I also come with verifiable references from my grateful lovers, who will always smile when they think of me, while remembering me with fondness and much pleasure.
So lots of ladies have liked or loved me… But none of them were my sisters!!!
Because I don’t have a sister… which is probably just as well, because maybe this unnatural attraction running in my family history is a hereditary condition. But even if I did inherit a tendency to take family closeness too far, and I have it in my DNA, I still don’t have a sister. And as far as my Mom, well let’s not even go there, because I never did, except for the “one way only” exit that was my entrance into life, so not another word about my Mom, and that’s final!
Sigmund Freud was seriously weird anyway with his obsession for all that Oedipal bullshit theory, and it wasn’t even his own original work! He ripped it all off from the ancient Greeks, who were the original “Incredible Oedipals” over 3,000 years ago, and how convenient for Freud to steal from people who couldn’t sue him because they’ve been dead for thousands of years!
And those Greeks also got a bad rap, when another unnatural act got named after them, which is just really unfair. Because other than male porn stars with stage names like “Ben Dover” the guys who are really into “Greek Style” are the lawyers! They do it all the time to anyone and everyone every chance they get, and if there was any real justice, we’d be calling it “Lawyer Style” instead of Greek!
But I digress… I am not Oedipal or a lawyer, and I don’t have a sister, so I won’t be getting into what some of my relatives were into – like getting into each other in the Biblical sense!
Time to get back to my original point, which is now that the Presidential Election is safely behind us, my sense of humor in my writing has come out of hiding, and I’m much happier! :-)
Last night I had a brief conversation, which occurred when someone I thought I knew showed up on IM, but it wasn’t her at all. The “woman” (you never know for sure) who IM’d me had only a professional interest in my credit card, and how much money she/he? could extract from it.
I get these types on IM from time to time, and I have NO idea how they ever got my e-mail address. Because I watched the porn version of “All in the Family” online only once, and one time only! Wait a minute… I guess I also watched the porn version of “Sister Act” only one time too, and the more I think about it… Thank God I had three brothers but no sisters for siblings!
But anyway, when I get a “Pro” on IM, it doesn’t bother me, because I turn it into a game to see how fast I can get her/him? to bail out of the conversation by using my sense of humor.
Here’s what I’m talking about –
- Nov 09 10:42 PM
Faith Ulland: hi
- Nov 09 10:42 PM
Chris: Uhm, Hi back. Do I know you?
Nov 09 10:42 PM
Faith Ulland: whats up, I dont remember when I found your username..im 24yrs old, female…you?
- Nov 09 10:43 PM
Chris: 55 and married with a wife about to be looking over my shoulder any minute… Probably not a good time. Lol
- Nov 09 10:44 PM
Faith Ulland: im not married, and if you are who cares…cause i dont! hehe
- Nov 09 10:44 PM
Chris: But my wife does care, and that kinda makes me have to care, too. She IS related to Lorena Bobbitt btw… And since I like my member attached rather than severed and tossed in the street, I think I’ll be going now. But good luck with the next guy! Lol :-)
- Nov 09 10:45 PM
Faith Ulland: im not desperate hehe i just enjoy talking to ppl online especially via webcam, do you webcam?
- Nov 09 10:45 PM
Chris: Nope – I’m older than dirt. And what’s a webcam???
- Nov 09 10:48 PM
Faith Ulland: ahhh ok are you signed up to any dating sites? im tryin to think where i found ya..
- Nov 09 10:49 PM
Chris: No clue. I hang out a lot on a blogging site called WordPress, and your profile pic does look like a blogging buddy of mine. But you’re not her, cause she’s a Baptist Minister. BTW, Do you know what a friend you have in Jesus?
· Nov 09 10:49 PM
Faith Ulland: i wanted to join adult friend finder but they charge too much! so now i use webcamcrush instead, have you heard of them?
- Nov 09 10:50 PM
Chris: Nope, and I don’t think that Jesus is the kind of friend who hangs out there. Hey, I gotta run now – because it’s Friday night and my wife is feeling frisky. We may be both over 50 yrs old, but we still go at it like a pair of overheated Energizer Bunnies! Lol – Sorry about any visuals I may have just put in your head about Granny and Grandpa sex… Lol
- Nov 09 10:52 PM
Faith Ulland: you come over?
- Nov 09 10:52 PM
Chris: Nope, I used to have that problem when I was 15, but I have much better control now, and I haven’t come all over a bedspread or a blouse for many years. And my wife is here right now and she’s watching, but no, she’s NOT into that kind of “watching”. So I’d best be going. Bye!
- Nov 09 10:53 PM
Faith Ulland: Well if you must leave tell ya what if ya want to see me later on my cam go to (webcam website deleted) just click the “Join FREE” button on the top…its 100% free to join you only need a credit card to register ;p
I sign out – The End
My wife really was there watching when I said she was… and she was also reading all of our conversation, while doing lots of laughing! LOL :-)
Hmm… reading this over, I see that I lost “Faith” in 11 minutes – which is slower than usual for me, and not even close to my personal best – even with my wife there reading over my shoulder. Lol
My all time fastest time for losing an unwanted guest on IM by making her/him? sign out first, was when my first reply to “Candy Kane” was “Damn it! Can’t you people get it straight that I’m GAY?!?! I’m a very GAY man, and unless you are too, well we have nothing to talk about!!!”
“Candy Kane” was gone instantly without one single word. Lol :-)
So to come full circle here… Thank GOD the Presidential Election is OVER!!!
And thank God even more, that I’ve got my blogging sense of humor back! Lol ;-)
P.S. There is NO history whatsoever of any “incest is best” activity in my family history ever. I just made that part up for the fun of it. But every word of the rest of this post is absolutely true, and with a “Total Truth Score” of 97.5%. I’d say that’s an excellent score for a guy like me, who is a member of the male gender. Don’t you agree? Lol ;-)