A Win-Win Situation

I’m in a good mood today, and I’m even feeling well rested after a rare full night’s worth of sleep, so I’m ready to have some fun.

Two adversarial situations that have been serious problems in my life, have suddenly been resolved in a very positive way, and resolved in not only my favor, but for other people as well.

Nope, I didn’t win a lot of money by suing somebody, but I did sue somebody who most definitely deserved it, and with the help of the fine folks at the ACLU, I won!

I didn’t win any money, but I did win the right to speak my mind freely with my writing online, without being personally and privately threatened with the ruination of my life and reputation, by a right wing CEO who hated my frequent and freely expressed opinions, because my opinions didn’t match his own, and too many other people were agreeing with me, instead of agreeing with him.

The other situation is personal, since it involves my family, so I won’t go into detail about it here. Except to say that finally getting this problem resolved has made me and other members of my family very relieved, and very happy! :-)

My good mood has brought out my sense of humor, and also some interesting comments and replies with other bloggers here on WordPress. I’m now going to share some of them with the rest of you.

Blogger # 1: “LOL. Let me first applaud your record-keeping. That’s just impressive. Anytime you want to do my taxes, I’m in.”

Me: “Since I was an English major in college having me do your taxes would be like having Donald Trump give a lecture on the very best new cutting edge trends in Men’s hairstyling.”

Ugh… that was weak and I’m tired, but I gave it my best shot… when it would probably have been better to pass the ball to Helen Keller, who almost always got nothing but net for her three pointers, as long as the basketball was printed with Braille. (A bad Helen Keller joke? Really, Chris?)

That’s it! I’m hauling my tired ass to bed right now! Sheesh! Sorry about that! Lol”

Blogger #1: “I’ve never heard a Helen Keller joke. That takes mad skillz ;) Not to worry, I have a tax guy who just loves to take my money…”

Me: “You’ve never heard a Helen Keller Joke? What… Are you deaf? Just kidding! Lol :-D

I have a tax guy who has done an excellent job for us, for many years. Except that every year when my wife picks up our taxes, he looks at her and says, ‘So you’re still married to that guy, huh?’ Then he shakes his head and says ‘Amazing…’

But I don’t hold it against him, because he doesn’t know the full extent of my ‘talents’ and he never will. Lol :-)”


Blogger #2: “And did you know when Helen Keller has brushed her teeth? She had that Gleam in her eye…
Yeah you’ve written a far better punch line, Mom had a BFA in English. Grrrrrr.
Fear not: I am in possession of a completely worthless BFA in Music Performance. It hangs proudly in the bathroom.
Chris, the only things you have to accomplish in this life are staying alive and dying at an appropriate time. Screw taxes!
Potatoes and Pasta! It’s what for dinner!
No double entendres intended…
She said potatoes heh heh heh”

Me: “Thanks! :-) I liked your Helen Keller punch line, and laughed out loud when I read it. And hey, Music Performance BFA hanging in the bathroom or not, you’re a musical performing star at “Burning Man” which I still have yet to get off my dead ass and go out to attend, even though I know that I’d love it. But maybe 2013 is the year…

Dying at an appropriate time? Okay, I guess I’ll try for that. I also want to pre-record my own eulogy for my own funeral and have them play it at the service, because for just one last time, I want to make my audience die laughing, even though I’m the one who’s really dead!

And for those friends and relatives who have often exclaimed ‘You’d be late for your own funeral!’ because I’ve had a life long problem with tardiness, well I’ll have a special treat for them.

Because I’m going to make arrangements to actually BE an hour late for my own funeral, until I make my grand entrance by having my well embalmed but mannequin like body wheeled up while standing upright on a freight dolly, to the front of the church, and then stood up at the podium, instead of placed horizontal in my casket. My first pre-recorded line will then play, in which I’ll say, ‘Sorry for keeping you folks waiting, and I also want to say that just because I’m dead, I am not going to take this “dying thing” laying down!’

Hey, since you seem like the kind of person who would enjoy it, (meant as a compliment) would you like me to send you an early invitation to my funeral? Just a thought, and if you’re not into it, hey, no problem! Lol :-D”

Postscript: I just suddenly realized that I missed Blogger #2’s amusing quip when she finished her reply with “Potatoes and Pasta! It’s what for dinner! No double entendres intended…
She said potatoes heh heh heh”

How so very much unlike me! It’s moments like these when my wife puts her hand on my forehead to see if I’m running a fever, and I can’t believe that one got by me!

My sincere apologies, Blogger #2! But hey, better late than never, so yes, you did say “potatoes”. To which I now say: But I’d be more impressed if you had said “Great Gazongas!” or “young and firm, roundly ripe melons.” heh heh heh heh ;-)


Blogger # 3 wrote a very funny post that included her amusing recollections of awkward moments in public restrooms.

Here is my comment:

Public restrooms… Reminds me of back in the dark ages when I was 19 yrs old, and in a train station when I had to do #2 real bad. I rush in and the stalls are those infernal creations that won’t let a guy in w/o putting two quarters in the slot to unlock the flippin’ stall door!!! And I had NO quarters!

But I was young and in my prime (as well as very desperate!) so I lept up and grabbed the top of the stall door and flew like flippin’ Superman over the top and down into the place I had to be, swearing like a dock worker as I stuck my landing on the toilet seat.

The guy in the stall next to me was so impressed, that he tried to reach down and under the stall wall between us, to hand me a little love note wrapped around a pen, so I could write him back – but I wasn’t feeling very kind right about then, so instead, I kicked his hand with my steel toed work boot real hard! Instead of “Brokeback Mountain” it was more like “Broken Back of the Hand!” (okay -maybe not quite that bad – but he knew for sure that I wasn’t into it!)

You can have your blog back now, and sorry for the highjack, but you inspired me, cause your poop post is very funny! LOL!” :-D

Postscript: My sincere apologies to gay guys, but please keep in mind that I do have gay friends, some of whom I like far more than a lot of straight guys that I know. Even back when I was 16 years old in high school, one of my best friends was a gay guy who was a brilliant artist, and I hung out with him on a regular basis. It was common knowledge in our high school that my friend was gay, and he took a lot of abuse. But never when I was around, because I wouldn’t tolerate it, and the homophobic straight guys knew that I had broken some noses more than a couple times, when somebody really pissed me off.

That gay guy in the train station just had terrible timing, and if Scarlett Johansson had been in there trying to pass me love notes at that moment, I would have been just as hostile to her advances!

BlondeRight now?! Here?! In this situation??? Get away from me, you twisted blonde headed pervert!!!


Blogger #4 wrote me a comment that I really appreciated, because it was for a post in which for the first time ever, I wrote a cry of anguish and anger, as I wrote about my oldest brother who was killed in Vietnam shortly before Christmas Day, 1969. The post was also about gun violence and my contempt for the NRA and all their like minded buddies.

She wrote:

“Chris, I’m so sorry about your brother John. That is just heartbreaking. That scene you described of witnessing your parents receiving the news is chilling. Every parent’s worst fear. I’m not a fan of war, but at least I can accept that there are guns needed in times of war. I just don’t get why we need these assault weapons back at home? To me, it’s no different than a bomb. And no one is protesting that the government won’t let us have bombs lying around in our basements. What’s the difference? Because one comes with a neat carrying case so that somehow makes it feel domestic?

Kevin’s story is heartbreaking too. What a great friend you were to him. I hope he was able to have a relationship with his son after that.”

My reply was very long, but it was also what I genuinely believe:

“Thanks. I appreciate your sympathy, and after reading your blog, I know that your sympathy is genuinely sincere. Yeah, it really is a parent’s worst fear, and since I’m the father of a wonderful daughter, I am just so grateful that so far, I’ve been spared that horrible heartbreak. But my brother Dan, who is closest to me in age, and also the brother I am closest to, well, he and his wife were not spared that horrible heartbreak when they lost their 14 year old daughter, and in a way far too nightmarish for me to talk or write about. That tragedy came close to Christmas as well, and enough said.

I’m no fan of war either. It’s the people who are the fans of war, who are the most eager to rush us into wars, and often for the worst possible of reasons. No war should ever be celebrated or glorified – not even when a war is fought and won, and it was a war that had to be fought and won, because the consequences of not fighting the war would have been far worse than fighting the war.

But only a blind fool glorifies and celebrates a war – even World War II. The veterans who risked their lives and lost their lives fighting WW II should be honored and we should express our gratitude for what they had the courage to do. The veterans who did the same in Vietnam should be honored and appreciated, even though that war should have never been fought by American soldiers, sailors and airmen. But never blame the veterans for the mistakes of the leaders who sent them to fight a war that was one of the biggest and most needlessly tragic mistakes ever.

War itself should always be recognized as the way humans create hell on earth, and in a mass horror that only those who are in a war, both soldiers and civilians, will ever fully understand. War should never be glorified, because to glorify war is to promote war, and move us closer to the next war, which might be another Vietnam or Bush Jr.’s Iraq war, instead of World War II. I have a seething contempt for war glorifiers, because they are war enablers, and they are potential accessories to the mass mayhem and murder that may result from their glorification of war.

I liked your comparison of people’s perception of bombs compared to assault rifles, and I think you are right on the mark, as well as clever with your rhetorical question that included “neat carrying cases that somehow feel domestic…” That made me smile last night when I read it. :-)

Kevin’s story was and is heartbreaking, and no, he was never able to have a relationship with his son after what happened. Me a great friend? I can be… But I’m also a man with many flaws and failings, who is sometimes not a very nice guy at all, and without a valid reason. But I have had my better moments at times – like the night when I stepped between another close friend and a guy with a large and deadly knife. I had no weapon to defend me, except for my words, and my words were enough that night to convince the man with the knife to put the knife away, and then to walk away.

But no one should ever call me a hero… Ask Elyse, because she knows my blog well enough to know that I have done many life threatening things, and not because I’m a hero – but because I’m crazy! Lol :-) But I’m crazy in a way that has never seriously harmed anyone else, because I reserve that right exclusively for myself! Lol :-)

Thanks for stopping by and for your compassionate and insightful comment. Sorry for my mile long reply, but even though I hardly know you at all, I’m already fond of you, in a fatherly sort of way. I’m looking forward to reading more of your blog, and thanks for reading mine.”

Blogger #4: I think every blog reader appreciates when the writer takes the time to write out such a thoughtful reply — thank you for that!


Yes, I know what more than a few of you, who know my long winded ways all too well, are thinking… But please be kind… not to me, but to her, because this was her very first comment on my blog, and her first exposure to one of my very long replies, and she’ll find out what I’m all about soon enough! Lol  :-)

As I wrap up this post, I’d like to thank Elyse and Teeny in particular, for helping me with their comments and replies, to get through Christmas and this Holiday Season in a much better state of mind than I have in years past.

I’d also like to thank all of my blogging buddies here on WordPress for being without a doubt, the best bunch of people online that I have ever had the pleasure to know.

And Martin my friend… 2013 is going to be a much better year for you n’ me. I promise… and that’s a promise you can count on. You’ll see…

Wishing a very Happy New Year to all of you and yours, my fellow WordPressians! Because you all are truly the very best, and you deserve it!


About Chris Sheridan

I’m a 56 year old guy who is young (and immature) at heart, and I love humor and laughter. Married for 22 years, but still enjoy all the glories of womanhood everywhere, even while dedicated to one woman only - and I hope my wife never finds out about her!
This entry was posted in Humor, Personal and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

21 Responses to A Win-Win Situation

  1. Elyse says:

    Happy New Year to you too, Chris, you lunatic. And I say that in the nicest possible way.

    But I have honestly found that writing about what’s bothering me is the best way to get through it all. No matter what, no matter when.

    • I just love it when you call me a lunatic, Elyse! It really drives me crazy, and in a good way! There’s good craziness and there’s bad craziness, and while it’s true that sometimes it’s hard for a crazy person like me to tell the difference, I’m always willing to take that risk! Otherwise my therapist would get really bored with our conversations, and she’d also get depressed, and I’m just not gonna let that happen!

      Because the last time that happened, I just knew that something wasn’t right, so I confronted her about it. “You’re seeing someone else, aren’t you…” I said, and I could tell by her lame attempt to explain the way she’d been acting with me, that what I suspected was true. She tried to tell me that of course she was seeing someone else, because she’s a trained professional and that’s what she does for a living. But I wasn’t buying that line at all, since I knew that she was just trying to get me distracted and off the subject, by role playing her favorite high class call girl fantasy again. “Yeah, right. And I’m Eliot Spitzer too!” I shot back, derisively.

      “We will have to continue this discussion next week, since our time is up.” she replied, dismissively. I hate it when she pulls that on me! It’s just a cheap trick that she resorts to, when she knows that I’m right and she doesn’t want to deal with facing the truth. She’s really into playing head games, and sometimes I really wonder what’s wrong with me, because I should just leave, but instead I just keep on coming back for more of the same treatment. Maybe I should see someone about it… just come to terms with the fact that I need professional help, and then get the help I need. I dunno – what do you think, Elyse? What would you do, if you were me?

      Thanks for putting up with me, Elyse. I really appreciate it, because I know that sometimes it’s not easy! LOL :-D

      Seriously, for a shocking change of pace, writing when the problems in my life are causing me the most pain isn’t easy for me, and I’ve often just given up on writing when I’m really feeling really down and out. But this time when my annual Christmas Holiday season depression set in, writing seemed to really help me get through it, and so much better than the way I was last year at this time. Here’s an example of what I mean, from last Holiday Season: http://wp.me/p221lH-9m

      Pretty grim, huh? This December was starting to head in the same miserable direction for me, but blogging, and comments from people like you, even when brief, helped to keep me out of such a dark place. Thanks again for that, Elyse. :-)

  2. Teeny Bikini says:

    Thanks, Chris. First, congrats to justice. I can’t imagine suing someone because I didn’t agree with their opinion. I’d be in court for my entire life. The arrogance of that position is infuriating – so congrats for winning. I am sure it was deserved. I would like to thank you for sharing you humor in your comments and everywhere else. They are unparalleled and such a joy to read. I happy am that you fell into my little corner of the world many moons ago. I tell ya my friggin’ luck is stellar. Yes, it is. Happy New Year’s to you. X

    • Thanks Teeny – I really appreciate your kind and generous comments about sharing my humor, and that will always be high praise for me, coming from you. Yeah, the feeling’s mutual on me finding your cyberspace zone back then, because I was immediately blown away by the unique skill and true talent of your writing, both serious and also very funny, and often in the same post. I was really impressed, along with your other 3,000 and more followers, so it wasn’t like I was the first to discover you, but you were a totally new experience for me, and that was great! :-) I know I feel really lucky that you just kinda bumped into me here on WP when neither of us had any idea that we were both blogging here – there’s a lot of bloggers here on this site, so for that to happen, that really IS stellar luck in my book, and I’m glad.

      I guess that sometimes justice is actually just, and true justice is done, instead of justice just “doing” everyone who isn’t rich and powerful, and those who can’t afford the most expensive lawyers.

      I was fortunate enough to make some good friends in the ACLU, who wanted to help me, and they had a lot of skill and experience in dealing with the problem I was faced with. I had no idea that I could get in a situation that serious, just for expressing some of my political views on my blog that pissed off Christian conservatives and the FOX news crowd enough for them to launch a smear campaign of lies and distortions to discredit me. I’d been in a few flame wars online back in 2003 that started because of political arguments and there was a lot of nastiness exchanged back and forth, but it was still never really a big deal. Keyboard wars… pretty trivial shit compared to real problems in real life. .

      But this last one turned totally twilight zone when this right wing millionaire CEO didn’t like it when he saw that lots of people on the site were agreeing with me, and writing their own posts to defend me, The right wingers that he agreed with, were losing the battle in the online court of public opinion and I guess he really didn’t like that, so he jumped in to shut me up. That’s the thing that really pisses me off about a lot of people in the right wing. They can get so fanatically offended by just about anything that isn’t in perfect agreement with everything they think is true, because they are so intolerant of anyone else who would dare to have a different opinion. There was a time in 2003 when I just made a casual comment on a message board about how I liked Al Franken’s book, and several of them went completely nuts with hate filled rants! You’d think I just announced that I kill and eat newborn babies every morning for breakfast, instead of writing just one sentence about liking a book.

      Well, EXCUSE ME…. But I didn’t get the Fox News memo that declared Al Franken is now the Anti-Christ!

      But I couldn’t believe my eyes when this CEO millionaire personally e-mailed me himself, and made threats to publicly ruin my reputation with the best smear campaign of lies and distortion his money could buy, and he also threatened to use a law suit to destroy me financially as well, if I refused to stop blogging about opinions he found offensive, and convincing lots of other people to agree with me.

      I could tell that his threats were not just a bluff, but he was was absolutely serious, and he had the ways and means to make it all happen. His threats were dangerous enough to force me to back off and never blog about politics for over a year, until I contacted the ACLU and got the right people I needed on my side to help me.They prepared a plan for a legal counterattack on him for his threats against me, and when both they and I felt like we were well prepared enough to move, the ACLU lawyers filed a lawsuit against this guy on my behalf. He was probably shocked as hell when he first found out that the ACLU and I were going to sue him! I’m sure that after over a year had passed since he forced me into silence with his threats. he never thought I’d suddenly reappear with my own legal team and come after him.

      It was still some very tense and scary shit at times, because anything can happen in court, and although the ACLU lawyers seemed confident that we had a strong case, there was still no guarantee that we’d win. And if we lost, I know he would have counter-sued me, and that would not have been good… and could have ended very badly for me.

      But, WE WON!!! And he knows he’ll be in trouble with the law, and risk losing a lot of money if he ever does anything to ever harass me in any way again. Gotta admit that feels real good right now… :-)

      • Teeny Bikini says:

        I am so glad that is behind you. And I love that you fought back. People should not be able to get away with that shit. He is a nutjob of the highest order. YAY YOU WON! :) Oh, and Happy New Year!

  3. Seems like a nice way to wrap up the year. Who knew I was a WordPressian? Are we plotting for world domination? Happy New Year to you!

    • Yeah, it’s been a kind of emotional roller coaster ride for the Holiday Season, but this is a nice way to end the year, and I’ll take it. Who knew you were a WordPressian? I did, because I’m the one who told you that you are… Next question! Is the incredible brightness of my clever wit blinding you? – I didn’t think so. Lol – Because you’re wearing sunglasses… ;-)

      I wasn’t planning on plotting for world domination, but now that you mention it, I kinda like the idea. Although my idea of how I’d like to dominate the world might differ from what you have in mind. Because I’d like to dominate the world one beautiful woman at a time… but only if she begs me… :-) And hey not to worry, cause I know you’re spoken for, (and hopefully you’re still speaking to me – after that questionable attempt at humor) and I’ve already got my “Dominate a Date” dance card filled for Aus, and TG for the Ladies from Land Down Under, who always delight me when I land… nope, not going there. Because I don’t want you to beg me… to stop making such gawd awful jokes! Lol :-)

      Happy New Year to you again!

  4. Nikita says:

    HAPPY NEW YEAR! Glad you’re happy again!

    • HAPPY NEW YEAR TO YOU TOO! And as I just said to another commenter, sorry that my Happy New Year wish for you is 23 days late! But better late than never, I guess, and thanks again for your comment here. :-)

  5. GOF says:

    Best wishes from me too for 2013 Chris, and thank you for the entertainment you have provided during the year past.

    • Another reply to you, GOF, that’s over three weeks late, but still heartfelt all the same, so best wishes from me to you and yours for 2013, and thank YOU for all the entertainment you’ve provided me and others here on WP, in 2012. I’m sure that you’re good for lots more in 2013, and I’ll soon be headed your way to enjoy it! :-)

  6. jbw0123 says:

    Thank you for providing this round up of current events. On my last visit it was your birthday. Reading the comments excerpts without reading the posts is like peering through a lace curtain.
    First, sorry to hear about the death of your brother. I will have to look up that post.
    Woo hoo on the outcome of your free speech case !!! Death and taxes? OK, enough said on that. Best wishes for the New ACLYOU Year and thanks for not taking things too seriously, except when they should be.

    • You know? I’ve had the strangest feeling lately, that someone has been peering through our lace curtains, so thank you for your confession. And not to worry, because I won’t be pressing charges. Lol ;-) In fact, could you please let my wife and I know in advance, when you’ll next be peering through our lace curtains again? Because it’s more exciting when we know… Lol ;-) And of course, I’m just kidding, and I also hope that you aren’t offended by my lame attempt at humor here. ;-)

      Thanks for your condolences, which I do sincerely appreciate, and TY for the congrats on my successful legal reassertion of my right to free speech, thanks to a HUGE assist from those liberal left wing, progressively secular, criminal coddling, Obama loving, socialist hippie atheists from the ACLU! ;-)

      Thanks again for commenting, sorry I’m so late with my reply, and I’ll be headed your way soon. :-)

      • jbw0123 says:

        Take your time “visiting.” I’m noshing on a political post that will take at least a couple more days. And about the curtains. You naughty! Hey, enough time has gone by that now it’s my birthday! And I’M OLDER THAN YOU. Sit back and enjoy your 56, and I’ll lord my 57 over anyone who cares to be lorded. It’s steak sauce year. Gonna be great.

        • Well then Happy Birthday, Ms. “57 Varieties”! :-) Yes, you are now older than me, and I’m glad that you seem so enthusiastic about it, so I’m wishing you a great 57 in every way. Yes, me naughty! Me grammatically incorrect too, but hey, who cares? Lol :-) I’ll still probably stop by to see what else you’ve been up to, while you are still noshing on your latest effort, and TY for stopping by here today.

  7. Happy New Year, Chris, you political firebrand, you! Glad to hear about the nasty sue-er getting his. The one about the toilet is impressive..although I do feel a little sorry for the love note penner. Perhaps he was just trying to hand you in some extra loo roll!

    • And a 23 day late Happy New Year to you as well, Rose! :-) I’d rather get out of the “political firebrand” business, but certain people have this tendency to not let me do that. My fondest hope for 2013 is that these “types” will just leave me the fuck alone for a change, but I’m not counting on it…

      You thought that the one about the toilet was impressive? Well, then too bad that it wasn’t your hand trying to hand me that note… You might have gotten a very different reaction from me – because you’re not blonde. Lol ;-)

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