This is something that Lynda from benzeknees got me interested in doing. But being me, with my consistently eccentric way of thinking, I decided to have some fun with deviating from the way that many people would answer the “questions” in this challenge.
1. Five ways to win my heart –
- More beer
- More sex
- Dark chocolate, a dozen roses, and a pair of diamond earrings.
What? You think I’m weird for what I want in that 5th way for winning my heart? I’m not being weird! I’m just being practical. Because after all that beer and sex, I better give her some things that she really likes, or she won’t bother trying to win my heart anymore!
2. Something I feel strongly about – Being able to bench press 450 pounds. But I’d feel even more strongly about it, if I could actually DO it.
3. A book I love – The book that I’ve already read, so when I see it sitting there and gathering dust, I don’t feel guilty about not having read it yet, and I can feel better about spending more time online here on WP.
4. Bullet your whole day – Nah, things have been looking up lately, and my mood has improved a lot, so I’ll skip that one for now.
5. Things I want to say to an ex – “I’ve been married to the same spouse for 22 years now. How about you?” Ha Ha Ha Ha!!!
6. My views on mainstream music – I would like to thank the people who produce today’s mainstream music, for reviving my appreciation of classical music. Your inspiration, or maybe your almost total lack of it, drove me to remember that Mozart, Beethoven, Chopin, and Vivaldi are still really great, while your mainstream muzak crap is really boring.
7. Five pet peeves –
- Tropical fish, because they have this annoying habit of dying, even when I take very good care of them.
- Toy Poodles, because my Mom had one, and it was like this little dog version of Linda Blair’s demonic personality in The Exorcist.
- Cats with condescending and superior attitudes.
- Boa Constrictors, because they grow too fast and get way too big, and their eating habits, while at first amusing and entertaining, are just gross and disgusting after the novelty wears off.
- Cheryl Rixon, cause I’m sorry, but there is just NO WAY that she deserved to be Penthouse Pet of The Year in 1979!
8. What I ate today – Beer for breakfast, Liquor for lunch, and Shots of Tequila for supper. (finally got bored with all that coffee!)
9. How important I think education is – Important enough that I wish I’d payed less attention to my female teachers’ legs, and more to what those teachers were saying.
But in my defense, there were a few who made it extra hard for me, to… uhm… uhh… to concentrate on learning the lessons they were teaching.
10. Put your music player on shuffle & write the first 10 songs that play – Sorry, but I’m not into Shuffle. Skiffle is much better, and John Lennon used to play it when he was a teenager.
John back in his Skiffle playing days.
11. My family – Yeah? What about my family? Huh? We all have things in our personal life that we are not proud of, and we all have families. They say you can choose your friends, but you can’t choose your relatives. I’ll add that while this is true, you can still choose to ask your relatives to leave, when they behave obnoxiously while visiting!
12. Five guys I find attractive – Hey! Go look at the list – It’s on there! So I’m gonna answer it, and my answer is… Johnny Depp, Hugh Jackman, Paul Newman, George Clooney, and most of all, Chris Sheridan! That guy just really does it for me! Lol ;-)
13. My opinions about my body & how comfortable I am with it – I am glad that I have a body, because if I was incorporeal I wouldn’t have a body, and then I couldn’t enjoy showing off my body. I am quite comfortable with my body, except when my back hurts, and I just wish that my body would stop this very annoying trend of becoming an older body! That is NOT what I signed up for!
14. What I wore today – In my case, this question is based on the very uncertain assumption that I have worn anything today.
15. My Zodiac/horoscope & if I think it fits me – I am a Sagittarius, but I do not believe in Astrology. However… Astrology believes in me, and just as soon as I typed that, my paper shredder turned itself on for 5 seconds before stopping, and really startled me! (I am absolutely serious and telling the truth! It has NEVER done that before, and I just unplugged the damn thing!)
What do I mean by saying that I don’t believe in Astrology, but Astrology believes in me? Well, my wife reads me my horoscope almost every day, and almost every day, my horoscope is uncannily accurate. It is so accurate, that I want to just know WHO these people are, why they are following me around, and how do they know so much about me? I wish that Astrology would just mind it’s own business and leave me alone!
16. Something I always think “what if” about – What if NASA staged a huge and elaborate hoax, and the Apollo Astronauts never really did land on the moon? What if the moon really IS made of green cheese, and smells just as bad as Limburger cheese? If so, I sure as hell wouldn’t want to go there, and neither would the Apollo Astronauts! See my point? Because I’m making a very logical point here.
Okay, since Neil Armstrong just recently passed away, I gotta come clean on this one. When I was a kid, I was a huge fan of the US Space program, and when Apollo 11 landed on the moon, and then Neil Armstrong took that first step on the lunar surface, it was one of the most incredibly amazing, awe inspiring and thrilling events I’ve ever witnessed, and it always will be.
17. Something I’m proud of – Well, it’s 8 inches long, with a wide girth, and it has made many women very happy! But for the last 25 years it has made only one woman very happy, and I am very happy that this is true! Because for all my flirtatious bluster, I am about as likely to make a serious move on another woman, as a Pet Rock is likely to get up and start dancing like Fred Astaire.
18. A problem I have had – An almost total inability to write a post here on WP that isn’t much longer than it should be. With my writing, brevity is NOT my strong point.
19. Five items I lust after – Well, I think it is very demeaning to call them “items” so I’ll call them women instead.
- Tina Fey
- Penelope Cruz
- Salma Hayek
- Halle Berry
- Scarlett Johansson
Scarlett Johansson made my list because I had to include one blonde, since I’m a sensitive and caring guy, and I don’t want to hurt blonde women’s feelings.
My Affirmative Action selection for blonde women.
But my five choices here are nothing more than pleasantly idle day dreams, because I know I’d have a snowball’s chance in hell of ever really getting anywhere with any of them.
20. My fears – Becoming boring, getting old and decrepit, thinking that I could inherit dementia from my Dad, and my greatest fear of all? Losing my wife and trying to live my life without her.
21. How I hope my future will be like – Healthy, wealthy and wise, instead of chronically sick, poor, homeless and senile. I also hope to be still capable of great performances in the bedroom, even if the day comes when I need some chemical assistance and increased use of certain specialized electrical appliances, for her pleasure. Whatever it takes… because I have very high standards for my performance, and I always will.
22. My academics – Very undisciplined throughout most of my attempted education. In high school I was an A & D student – I got an A in courses I liked, and a D in courses I didn’t like. I did make the Honor Roll for one semester in my sophomore year of high school, but that was only because an assistant principal said and did some things to really piss me off, so I went all out to make the Honor Roll just so I could shove it in his face. After proving my point, I went back to being an A & D student. Graduated from college with a BS Degree in English, and I’ve been BS-ing in English ever since.
23. Something I miss – My sanity… but only occasionally. I think that sanity is overrated, and with the right approach, insanity is a lot more fun!
24. Five words/phrases that make me laugh –
1. Allegator – NOT Alligator misspelled, but someone who alleges.
2. Callipygian – which means having an attractive rear end or nice buns. Don’t believe me? Google it!
However, I would not advise any guys out there to try telling a woman that her backside is awesomely callipygian. I’m unsure of the correct pronunciation and it could turn into a serious misunderstanding, and not the results you are hoping for.
3. Slangwhanger – A loud abusive speaker or obnoxious writer. (yes, I know what you’re thinking!)
4. Cow Tipping – The first time I heard that people actually did this for fun, I was really laughing my ass off!
5. “I remember when I first had sex – I kept the receipt.” – Groucho Marx.
25. Something I’m currently worrying about – I’m worrying that once again, my post is getting too long!
26. Things I dislike & like about myself – I dislike the voices inside my head when they are loud enough to annoy other people around me. But I like my sense of humor, and I like it even more, when lots of other people like my sense of humor. (which is not always the case)
27. A quote I try to live by – “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.” I don’t always live up to it, but I do try.
28. Somewhere I`d like to move to or visit – Australia, so I could scuba dive on The Great Barrier Reef.
29. Five weird things I like –
1. Occasionally eating leftover cold mashed potatoes for breakfast.
2. Hiking in the forest at night, in the dark without a flashlight. (well, sometimes…)
3. Engaging in very exciting but dangerous activities that could kill me, if things go wrong or I make a mistake. (less so, as I’ve gotten older)
4. Getting turned on by seeing my wife completely naked, and then watching her slowly put on all her clothes until she is fully dressed, in a reverse striptease. (Did I mention that sometimes I get dyslexic?)
5. Posting my previous answer to No. 4 online here, where everyone can see it. My wife’s opinion may differ… (Nah, I know she’s cool with it!)
30. One thing I’m excited for – That I have finally finished answering all 30 questions! Yay!!! LOL