This extra day that we’re getting in February of 2012 has been one too many for me!
Let me tell you how things started out for me this morning… At 7:30 AM I was walking out the door to go to work. Except that I couldn’t leave right away, because my wife’s car was blocking mine in the driveway. A minor irritation and a problem easily solved – just move her car. Life would be great if all problems had such a simple solution.
But then the simple problem suddenly became complicated in a very bizarre and threatening way. As I was about to get into my wife’s car to move it, a tow truck pulled up and stopped, blocking the entrance to our driveway. A guy got out of the tow truck – He looked to be about 28 years old, medium to slightly thin build, and maybe about 5′ 9″ tall, weighing approximately 170 lbs. He was wearing a baseball cap and wrap around dark iridescent mirror sunglasses, like baseball players often wear to cut down the glare on a very bright and sunny summer day. Which was strange, because the early morning sky was a heavy grey overcast, and there was no need for sunglasses – unless you’re someone who has a reason to not want to be easily recognized.
He had some paperwork in his hands, and demanded to confirm my name, with that same voice of authority that cops use when ready to make an arrest. I looked straight into the dark but slightly rainbow hue of his sunglasses and confirmed that he had my name right.
He then told me that he was going to repossess my 2007 Ford Mustang. I looked coldly back into his sunglasses and in a deadly monotone, I told him that there was no way that this would be happening, because my car was paid for, up to date, and whatever paper work that he was holding in his hands wasn’t worth shit, because it was wrong. I also told him to move his tow truck away from blocking my driveway so I could get to work on time.
He cocked his head to one side, and in a cocky and condescending voice, he said “OK, so let’s see some proof of your last payment.” I replied that I owed him no proof of anything, and that he could go fuck himself, “so just get that fucking tow truck out of my way!”
He laughed at me, and replied “You guys are all the same. You can’t pay your bills cause you got no money, then you try and deny it. I’m taking your car, dude… and that’s a fact, so why don’t we just get this over with, without you being just another sad and pathetic excuse for a man.”
Standing up straight to my full height of 5′ 11″ and the muscles of my 220 lbs filling up with the boiling hot blood of my anger, I stared back at him with my eyes now furiously blazing and boring burning holes into his stupid shades, as I growled back, “First of all, you are a fucking parasite and a whore who feeds off of other people’s misery, and I don’t know how you sleep at night. You’re no better than a human maggot, and just nothing but disgusting filth pretending to be a man. But that’s besides the point, and the real point is, that whoever sent you here is dead wrong, and you have no right to be here. So get the fuck out of my sight!”
He took a step backward and when he spoke, his voice was just slightly higher than before, and then he laughed an insecure laugh, and said “Dude! I’ve heard all this shit before! I’m taking your car, because you didn’t pay for it, and you don’t fucking own it. It’s not yours anymore – it’s mine, and I’m taking it!”
My rage slightly calmed as I answered, “And how exactly are you going to do that, ‘grape nuts’? My wife’s car is blocking mine, and I know that you know, that you have no right to touch her car. There’s a concrete retaining wall in front of my car at the end of the driveway, so even if you drove around the house and tried to tow it away from the backyard, that isn’t gonna happen. So what are ya gonna do… Use your psychic powers to levitate my car out of my driveway? Huh? Why don’t you just run along and play ‘junior’! I spat back at him. “You’re just wasting your time here. Go victimize someone else, cause it’s just not gonna happen this time.”
Mirror shades boy took another two steps backward as I leaned towards him, as now my anger, rage and contempt for him was impossible to hold back. He laughed nervously, and replied weakly, that he’d just come back another time and repo my car.
My only answer was to pull out my cell phone and say “I’m calling the police now, so maybe you’d better leave.” He did…
So you are probably wondering what happened to cause all this… which would be a reasonable question. The answer is, that Ford Credit neglected to credit my most recent car payment to them, which I paid on time, for the month of January, 2012. A clerical error caused Ford Credit to miss my last car payment, and so they used a towing contractor by the name of Ocean State to try and repossess my car. Just for the record, Ocean State’s phone number is 401-431-1744. If you’re in the mood to play phone jokes like “Prince Albert in a Can” please feel free to give them a call. If you think of something worse, please tell me, and I will always remember you fondly.
This is my car. I bought it in 2007, and three car payments from now, in May of 2012, I will own it in full, and I will have possession of the title that is irrefutable proof that I own this car.
If any “Repo Man” who shows up after May 5th of 2012, tries to steal what is absolutely mine, he should fear for his life… because I will view his presence as an invasion of my home and my life, and I will shoot out all the tires of his tow truck. And then, other very bad things might happen to him. Be afraid… be very afraid, you miserable Muthafuckers!!!